Teaching Our Kids About Sex
School sex education covers reproduction and how to stay safe, but it doesn't tell you the things you really need to know. How do you get a real sex education?
Yesterday I asked my son how his health class was going.
"There's a lot of detail about men's bodies, but they're leaving out parts of women's bodies."
I was pretty sure they weren't leaving out anything important like Fallopian tubes or bladders, but I had to ask. Yup, they weren't talking about the clitoris.
Apparently the first time my son got sex education at school, they gave the kids a pre-test to find out what they knew. The clitoris was mentioned on the pre-test, but never discussed in the actual class. This year it's just not being mentioned at all.
My son found out what a clitoris is by asking a friend. Well, I assume he found out. I was too embarrassed to check that the information he got was accurate.
Thirty years ago my health class avoided the subject, too. One day the boys were sent out of the room and the girls could ask any questions they wanted. That was when I first heard about clitorises and hymens. Apparently things haven't changed that much.
So now I have a problem. How do I make sure my son learns about more than reproduction and staying safe? He doesn't need to know it now, but I don't think I can wait until he's engaged and hand him a marriage manual. And my daughter will need to know about her body long before she has a boyfriend.
I don't feel comfortable talking to them about anything this explicit myself. First because it's always important to wait until they're developmentally ready for information, not push it at them. (I've made that mistake before.) But even when they're ready to ask, I don't think they'll want to ask me. Sometimes talking to parents about things is ewey.
I was lucky growing up. My mother had friends who were sex educators in the Bronx. I had access to Our Bodies, Ourselves. I heard about Betty Dobson and her workshops on masturbation. I bought the Hite Report on sale at Woolworths and Anais Nin from my book club. That was how I got my real sex education.
So now I'm trying to figure out, how can I make sure my kids get accurate information on sexuality, not just reproduction? I don't want them to have to rely on the warped vision of pornography or the confusion of other kids. How did the rest of you out there get your real sex education? What worked well? What didn't? How do other parents out there deal with this? What do you wish your parents did better?
Discussion
The sage continues - more about contemporary sex education:
http://www.yourtango.com/200926826/sex-education-update
goaskalice.columbia.edu is the absolute best
scarleteen.com
both great sites, taught me a lot about practical things
my health class didn't discuss the clitoris until i was 16. my friends and i talked about sex a lot, and being a scientifically minded group of young nerds, we explained all sorts of things to each other, boys and girls, and wound up looking up how many calories, say, an orgasm burns. we also have the great tradition of playing "never have i ever" and its secret circle, which opened all us ladies up to many a discussion, explanation, or how to.
The big sex talk came in 5th grade, where the boys went into one room and the girls went into another room. Days before, a permission slip came home with us to allow us to attend. My parents, Mr. and Mrs. Donna Reed, didn't allow me to go.
I was the only person in the 5th grade who was not allowed to go. I sat in an empty classroom with my teacher as a monitor. I will never forget that little humiliation!!
Oh, and to add insult to injury, my mom told me that when people ask me about boys, I'm supposed to say, "I'm not interested in boys." I was stupid enough to parrot it enough that it haunted me well into junior high. Of COURSE I was interested in boys.
I don't have kids, but having had a late start (and quite the interesting and experimental sex life ever since), I have always said that I would be completely open and honest with my children (boys and girls). I would rather them (a) be forewarned, (b) prepared, (c) capable of thinking for themselves, (d) safe, and (e) able to make smart decisions for themselves when the opportunity arises (no pun intended). Nobody's perfect, but I am not going to kid myself that my children aren't going to find out for themselves from others--and will usually get inaccurate and harmful information.
Let's see what happens should I actually have kids! lol
I was lucky in that my mother was a nurse so I had Grey's anatomy to read. But much was left out. I really do not think that most parents are emotionally equipped to really educate their children about sex.
For me it was experience. Once I started to have sex i learned more and started to know what I did not know. From reading I learned about techniques then practiced on my partners!!
I got the standardized "abstinence is best, other wise use protection to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies" stuff from around 7th grade on...which I was already teaching myself how to please myself at the time. Mom was always available and open to talk to, but at that age its a bit hard to talk to her about it. Dad, on the other hand, was used to locker room talk with his troops who were in their late teens/early twenties. He was all thumbs when it came to talking with me, and would actually turn red when he would try.
Luckily, the first couple lovers I had in college were keen on teaching me. After them there were a couple of somewhat older women who were great at teaching me and helping me learn to explore.
Since then its been nothing but fun times, and I'm grateful that I didn't get any until college (not that i wasn't trying in high school). I think it kept the act as something a bit more special to me, and not so easily switchable between "just sex" and "love making" as it is for most guys. Now, I have no problem talking openly about it with my mom, but dad still turns beat red when he tries to talk about it!
I wish I did have someone knowledgable to speak with when I was younger though...someone who would be frank and upfront about it all.
I never had any type of sexual education until high school! And at that time we just learned about the baby making items of males and females. I never once learned about safe sex or ways to protect myself. I was lucky though, I looked it all up online. I was a very curious 16 year old with internet access. I found all the facts I need to know. What you could do is look up some RELIABLE and appropriate websites and sit down with your children and help them look over the website. Or just use the information you read of the website to talk to them. Reading about it first will help you become more comfortable with the situation and handle it better. Good luck!
I for one wish my parents would have done better. At least giving me some HELPFUL books would have been great. Why can't you give that book to both your daughter and your son? Do you have a good friend who would be willing to discuss it with them? Fortunately, my good friend, her mom is a doctor and she was able to have open frank discussions with us about sex that were SOOOO helpful.
