I have decided to post this because those of you reading this obviously do not have an emotional connection to my situation and could probably provide the best recommendations from your point of view. I invite both men and women to share their thoughts as I am sure many of you understand when you are in a relationship and you feel very strongly for that person it’s easy to get caught up in the emotions. Sometimes the logical thought process ends up out the window.

So, with that said, here’s my situation. I met my BF/SO ten months ago. It was the typical love at first sight scenario; the first time I laid eyes on him the world seemed to stop and the 200 other people in the room seemed to fade away. Our initial conversation was brief but very intriguing. He didn’t respond much to my efforts to learn more about him personally. I found out many months later why. He’s one of those guys who is VERY selective with whom he chooses to allow to get to know him, especially women. My initial impression of that is at some point in his life he must have gotten his heart broken and hasn’t completely healed from it. Women, like me, have a tendency to forgive much quicker than men. When I left that conference where I met him and went back home I found myself thinking about him all the time. I later found out he did the same thing about me and he expressed his thoughts about how he wished he had responded to my conversation a little more. Long story short, about six months ago we ended up getting to know each other a little more and eventually the relationship blossomed. It progressed at a steady pace but in the beginning he was very closed off and wasn’t much for conversation but he asked me a lot of personal questions about previous relationships, etc. I asked similar questions and got only general answers. He often expressed that other women he had met seemed to be attracted to his stand-offish demeanor and found it a challenge to try and break through his wall. He also said the more he enforced the wall, the more women seemed to throw themselves at him. But, he also made it very clear to me and several of our mutual male acquaintances that he despises women because they can’t be trusted and they are selfish. I of course ignored all those I would call “defensive” comments as I felt the comments stemmed from the wound he still carried from a past relationship. Anyway, one day the wall came crashing down and the silent, stand-offish guy I met turned out to be what I consider one of the most sincere, caring guys I had ever met. Once he opened up our relationship soared into the next level. Before he opened up he did talk about how he was saving every penny for his retirement. He wants to purchase land and a very nice home in the wilderness to get away from people. He often expresses he feelings of dislike towards people in general. His drive to save for his retirement is quite admirable and he stops at nothing that would stand in the way of that. A few months ago he started talking about his retirement dreams, the only difference was that I was now included in the scenario. He’s in his early 40s and has no children and has never been married. He would talk about why he’s never been married, because he doesn’t trust women. He keeps himself basically cut-off from his family and lives the life of a loaner. It’s a shame because when he did finally let me past his wall, he’s such an amazing guy. Things have continued to progress and he’s even mentioned marriage. But, here’s my dilemma… Some days he’s the guy I met, meaning what I would term emotionally turned off, and other days he’s the guy I discovered behind the 20-foot wall. This relationship for me has turned into a rollercoaster ride that on one hand has been the most fulfilling experience I have ever encountered; while on the other hand, has been the most painful. On the days he’s emotionally turned off I am left wondering if he will just merely walk away because it’s the easier thing for him to do, after all, before we meet he pretty much decided he was going to spend his life alone and never be close to someone, let alone a woman. I have witnessed him gazing at pictures of very attractive women on his computer. I expressed my thoughts on that and told him how it hurt me. I asked him how he would feel if the table was turned and he said he would feel as if he wasn’t good enough. After I mentioned that I haven’t seen him do it again. I even thanked him for not doing that in front of me and he had a very hard time accepting the compliment. I didn’t understand his reaction and tried to talk to him about it. He merely said he doesn’t require compliments like that. Once again, I’m left feeling like he’s emotionally pushing me away or that maybe this is just another test of his to see if I will stick around. This reminds me of a situation that occurred a couple months ago. We got into a small argument, the topic I don’t remember as my ability to forgive and forget is very high. Anyway, he left the room and went into the living room. After about 20 minutes I joined him sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. He broke down in tears and thanked me for coming out to “make-up” with him. He said most women would have either left or stayed in the other room. I told him it was going to take a lot more than an argument to make me walk away.

He has on numerous occasions expressed to me his genuine love for me but yet his behavior totally confuses me. I have continued to stay on the rollercoaster because as of now, I can’t imagine life without someone like him in it. He and I are so much alike and think so much alike. I have never had a connection emotionally and physically with anyone like this before, that is with the guy behind the wall, not with the one with the wall up.
So, I ask all of you. Should I stay or should I go? This guy has told me that if things don’t work out between us, he’ll most likely never have a relationship with another woman again. Is all the stuff he does merely a test to see if I will just up and leave? One more thing to add to the complexity of this situation.. He has two women friends whom he has said that before me he was involved with. One of them he has known for eleven years. They have lived together on and off but when asked for a commitment he wouldn’t do it, yet he has allowed her to stick around. I asked him one time what was missing out of their relationship. He said it was the emotional, intellectual connection that we have. The other woman in the scenario he really likes but she’s married and I believe she has a child. She stays married for the kid and I think before he met me there was a small part of him that hoped she’d get a divorce so he could explore a relationship with her. He told me that although there are a lot of things he really likes about her, that our relationship evolved and theirs didn’t because of her situation. He keeps in touch with both of them and neither of them know about us. Another question, is he keeping them around in case we don’t work, or is it truly what he said, he dreads the day he has to break the news to them because he knows both of them will be hurt and he doesn’t like to be the one to hurt other people. Especially people like that whom he cares about.

For anyone who takes the time to read this and respond, I sincerely thank you for your time.