Dudes With Girlfriends Are Sometimes Easy
The other woman shouldn't get all the blame for cheating.
Misleading headline? Perhaps. But I've been noticing more and more cheating these days. Just in the last month alone we've had the Jon and Kate Plus 8 fiasco, the Mel Gibson baby mama drama and the hurley burly surrounding Sean Penn and that girl from Star Wars. In fact, a study came out the other day that said people in committed relationships are involved in 100% of all cheating cases; the study was sponsored by the Human Fund (wait for it).
So, because these cheaty cheatersons aren't dancing with themselves (like Billy Idol) it's really easy to show our sympathy for the cuckold or cuckquean by drinking The Other Man (or The Other Woman) flavor of Hatorade and calling it a day.
But that's a little a bit myopic, at YourTango, we have a saying, "It takes more than one person to perform a complicated, sultry Argentine dance." Our BFFs (and that's forever) over at Lemondrop had a great story about dudes with girlfs being free game if, and only if, they're "in the field." Give it a quick read to get to the punch line.
While this is huge oversimplification of the case (i.e. karma's a bee-aye-otch), please indulge in the following bit of logic. There are three main scenarios in which a guy cheats (and generally with the understanding that he won't get caught or he's drunk): it's a one-off, he's a serially unfaithful (like Olivier Martinez) or there's a real connection with someone new.
The last situation is the Haley's Comet of cheating; it comes to fruition once (twice if you're lucky) lifetime. So a gal might wager on that action because he could be "the one," and they'll have one less guest to invite to the wedding. The first two scenarios border on indistinguishable from most people's perspective but are quite different. A one-time infidelity (and the guilt / repentance) could jolt a flagging relationship back into groove or prove that it's time to pull the plug. And a dude who is a constantly on the prowl increases his risk of getting caught with each new betrayal. All in all, it almost seems like the girlf is really being done a service because clearly something is not right with this dude or their relationship.
Discussion
"All in all, it almost seems like the girlf is really being done a service because clearly something is not right with this dude or their relationship."
I think this is a mistaken assumption. Good people in good relationships lust after other people. It's possible to stay faithful, but making a mistake doesn't prove that you're an awful person. Cheating can be a sign that something is wrong with the relationship, but it isn't always. In any case, there are better ways to start working on your relationship problems than creating a new problem that can leave lasting damage!
So, no, I never think you're doing someone a favor by proving to them that their lover or spouse is capable of cheating. It sounds like what these girls are promoting is a form of entrapment. In this case, they are to blame.
I also think there's no reason to hold the other woman/man blameless in general. For example, Bill Clinton is scum. He had a pattern of harassing women, that's why he got caught. He treated Lewinsky terribly and he sounds like an absolutely awful lover. I cannot understand why his wife stayed with him. On the other hand, Lewinsky knew full well that he was married and she approached him. She was young enough to fool herself that he cared about her, but old enough to know better than to get involved with a married man. So she was to blame, too.
Totes m'goats, BookMama (Translation: I concur, Madam). The point was to explore the idea posited by the Lemondrop post. I agree that it doesn't hold water... particularly in the case of married men.
The Phil Collins And Peter Gabriel (Genesis) of this post was a radio poll that I heard a few days ago. A huge number of those polled said that it was not cheating if you were not engaged, married or in some way bound. I couldn't find the results, so I didn't mention it. Totally floored me. I was curious if more people felt that way.
I agree on not holding "the other woman" blameless. But I think our culture (maybe people, in general) does, by and large, put the onus of infidelity on the other woman.
Thanks for reading & commenting.
I would certainly have been mad if my sweetie cheated before we were engaged or married! As far as I'm concerned it's cheating unless you've agreed not to be exclusive.
The thing is, some couples never get married. Some couples take a really long time to move to getting engaged. That doesn't mean they have not commitment.
