Comment of the Day 05/19/09
Do you leave or make it work?
In response to the article "Why I Cheated", Lizabella ponders the implications of cheating to fill the gap in her otherwise perfect life:
u can never understand this sort of thing unless u've felt it ... being in love and content in ur relationship ... but ur s.o. doesn't need sex nearly as much as u do. it sux. it leaves this gaping space in ur torso ... wanting to feel wanted, desired, lusted after ... wanting to be slammed up against a wall and groped ... some people need that ... and others can't really get themselves to do it ... they just aren't interested ... its not in them ... so what happens when ur married with a child and suddenly come to grips with the fact that ur life is pretty amazing, except one thing -- ur sexually mismatched. u dont want to leave ... not even a little bit ... u just need passion and desire and sexual gratification ... like if u dont get it u will go insane. and no matter how many times u have the conversation w/ur spouse nothing changes. do u leave? or make it work on ur own terms? i cant leave.
Lizabella, you're not alone. I think at some point every married person ponders this same question. I think its worth staying and working out. The effects of cheating are devastating. Try talking to your husband instead, get some books, get adventurous and have some fun. That's my take. Anyone else care to weigh in?
Discussion
Hey, this is right up my alley! :-) I see this all the time with clients. How was the sex before you had a baby? Looking back on it, were you always mismatched like this? For some men, have that kind of raw sex with the mother of their child just feels wrong. Unfortunately, in our culture (and several others), men seem to have the virgin/mother and succubus/whore dichotomy in their brains.
If we assume for a moment that the sex was good before the baby, your hubby is one of these men.
Unfortunately, talking to him about it isn't likely to help. He just can't hear it from you, because it doesn't match what he believes subconsciously. (and it is usually subconscious-- if you brought it up he'd probably dismiss it) But just because he can't hear it from you doesn't mean he can't hear it at all. It just will have to come from a neutral third party, like a therapist or a coach. He or she will be able to help him see you as a sexual being again by uncovering his subconscious self-talk.
The other reason he can't hear it from you is because men hear actions, not words. So if you really need more sex, you have to act like it. I agree with BookMama's suggestions of ways to get him engaged again. And I have another suggestion that should work like magic, even if the sex was never wild. Touch him a lot, every day, in non-sexual ways. A long hug when he comes home, a neck or foot massage (not an hour, I'm talking a minute or two). Touch his forearm when you're talking to him, or run your fingers along his back as you walk by. Run your fingers through his hair or massage his scalp. All of it with NO expectations of getting him in the sack!!! Buy yourself a vibrator to hold yourself over in the meantime. Keep at this for 2 weeks and see what happens.
I also understand-- and I really get this, because I'm the same way-- that you don't want to be the one initiating all this!! You want to be ravished by a man. But sister, you have to start somewhere. :-) Once you've got him re-engaged intimately, you can start to move things in this direction. That is your feminine essence wanting to engage his masculine essence, and his masculine essence is hidden deeply underground right now. David Deida's written a brilliant book about this called Intimate Communion, I'd highly recommend it!
Johanna Lyman
Spiritual Love Coach
www.romancerecovery.com
This is a very difficult issue for any couple. There are some extra difficulties when the less horny person is the guy. Women want to be chased, we have learned to expect it and if the guy isn't making advances, we feel they don't desire us. We hear that men are supposed to be hornier than women and that only adds to our insecurity. Meanwhile, the guy may not want to admit that he is less horny and that it's about him, not his sweetie.
I would agree with LIz that cheating is not going to solve the problem, only make it worse.
I don't have a great solution. I think from your posts that you really love this guy and have been struggling with this issue for a long time. I think to really work it out with him you may need some help from an outsider. You've talked to him already. There are so many other issues that could be coming into this like parenthood, his past with you, or his moods. Also, once you get to a certain point in an issue like this, the less horny person may feel resentful and become even less horny and it just gets worse and worse unless you can somehow breaking the cycle.
There are some things you can try to get him more in the mood, although you may need more help right now. And what works will depend a lot on him and what's really going on. A few ideas - watch action movies or sports (if he likes them), do the dishes so he doesn't have to (sounds terrible, but you want it, right?), abandon all nagging even though he doesn't do what you want, put the baby down and far away (but safe), get time alone with him to talk and connect, rub up against him in the middle of the night when his superego is turned off (devious I guess), take advantage of morning erections, listen to his problems when he wants to vent, do something relaxing together (yoga, a walk, a massage), read aloud from naughty books, talk dirty, or look at pictures. And somehow all along, convey the message that you're not expecting anything or pressuring him while you do these things!
Damn, my next suggestion was going to be do more of the things he likes and be ready for quickies.
Perhaps he would be willing to do things for you or somehow participate in you pleasing yourself.
Ultimately, I do think you need someone else to help you talk to him. Will he go to counseling?
I've been thinking some more about how he's always working. In a way, that might be a good sign. It's possible he's just too tired and stressed out and his level of sex drive could change.
I think men with small children often feel that they need to work hard for their families. From their point of view, they're doing it for you. They don't see the other point of view, that the wife is lonely and needs attention. The husband may be surprised or irritated that the wife isn't just grateful. Both points of view are right. Somehow you have to find a balance.
Ouch. Not even enough time for counseling. That's bad in general. Is there any way he can cut back on the work? Can you convince him to start by spending time together, connecting emotionally? If you're not eating dinner together and talking and watching DVDs, it's hard to feel close enough to have sex.
I have three reactions about the open relationship thing. One is that if I were in his shoes, I'd be upset by the idea that I wasn't enough. So you might want to think carefully about how he will react and if suggesting it will cause problems in your relationship.
The second is that I don't like the idea of people entering open relationships/polyamory because they have problems in their relationship. To me it seems like having a kid to pull your marriage together. You bring in all kinds of new things to work out. And I'd like to think polyamory was something people did for reasons other than because they had problems.
My third thought is that if you don't have time for each other now, what will happen when there's someone else in the picture? Will he have time to talk his feelings through with you if it bothers him? From everything I read, it seems like polyamory can take a lot of time communicating.
