How To Tackle Money Matters In Relationships
The Money Couple on when to broach the money topic and how to test the transparency waters.
"Eventually, money affects every part of a romantic relationship. Where you live, where you eat, where you vacation, where your kids go to school and what car you drop them off in," says Bethany Palmer of The Money Couple, who co-wrote First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage with her husband. The tricky part is knowing at what point financial matters should enter your relationship and how to broach the topic.
"Finances are an intimate part of life and you may get resistance when you first mention the topic. You don't want to jump the gun and talk about money on your first date. But at the point when you decide to take the relationship further, maybe three dates in, you can start making spending observations," says Palmer. "A year is way too long to wait. You're in deep at that point. It will be too hard to talk about finances for the first time then. And if there's disagreement on money issues it will be tougher to end the relationship at that point."
Shopaholic. Tight-fisted saver. Risky stock marketeer. Impulse spender. If your relationship to money and financial goals differ drastically from those of your romantic partner, this could lead to money clashes down the road when it's time to share bank accounts and credit cards. "The older generation was unlikely to discuss money openly in relationships. But the dynamic of our families is changing. Couples want more transparency. A lot of divorce happened over money issues, so it makes sense to talk about these things before getting married," says Palmer. Here are Palmer's four tips on how to discuss finances with your partner in a non-threatening way.
1) First, silently observe spending habits. On the first couple of dates you'll know what kind of spender he or she is. Does he order three appetizers, the priciest entree and a dessert? Or does he whip out a coupon, the telltale sign of a fastidious saver? Maybe he's thrifty and you are too. Maybe he's a big spender, taking you to nice dinners, buying flowers. This can be charming but is he going into credit-card debt to buy these things and would he still be doing this once married with a mortgage and two kids? "There's no good or bad type of money style," says Palmer, "what you're looking for are money tendencies and compatibilities. You're observing a person's spending habits. You'll see their priorities by seeing where they put their money." Watch: Recession Romance Ideas
Discussion
I think that this is sooooo important to think about. I just had a discussion with my boyfriend about this. He owes me $10,000 from over a year ago. I lent it to him in good faith and on his verbal commitment to pay me $1,000 per month. He makes six figures and has law school loans. That is all fine, but he spends money like he makes way more. He's brought up to me numerous times about his lack of personal financial prowess and how he wants to do better. Well, in the past 14 months, he's paid me back through $2,800 worth of airline tickets which he thinks suffices. I wanted him to understand that if he feels he doesn't have the money to pay me (which is always his excuse) or that he will pay me next week, next month, and on and on that yet I see that he spends his money on trips with the guys, gambling, etc., that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't feel like it is important to even TRY to pay me back like he would anyone else. I did make more money than him and have saved a considerable amount, but I just feel very disappointed about how he is treating me and this situation. He never wants to talk about it and just gets defensive. My point in all this is PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE heed the advice in this article. It is superimportant to make sure that how you both deal with money (though it's not at all romantic) is a major part of your decision to be with someone.
