May is such a wonderfully diverse month.
Not only can we pick out kitten cards for our moms and horrify Memorial Day pool-goers with pasty winter bloat, but now we can masturbate with an added fervent passion. Why? Because it's National Masturbation Month, folks! Spank and rub it like you mean it. These 31 days only come once a year.
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National Masturbation Month was founded in 1995 by San Francisco sex toy store Good Vibrations. The owners decided to dedicate May to the art of masturbating after former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders was fired (by an uncharacteristically prudish Bill Clinton) for suggesting at a 1994 United Nations conference that masturbation should be taught. Ironically, this was a short year before Clinton would stick a cigar up 22-year-old Monica Lewinsky's hoo-ha in the Oval Office.
Perhaps he should have taken Elders advice and jerked it alone those fateful nine times that lead to his 1998 impeachment, no? Ah well. No use in crying over blue, semen-stained dresses.
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