I’m never happy. I want commitment, but I don’t want to be tied down. I want someone who’s caring but not over-protective. I want someone who wants me, but who’s not clingy. I want stability, but not boredom. I want to be part of an adventure, but also settled down. I want someone who will drop everything to be by my side, but I also want to be kept guessing. I want to be man-handled but also cuddled and caressed. I want someone who will trust me, but not be too trusting. I don’t want to be jealous, but I don’t want to be in a false sense of security. I want to be worshipped, but I don’t want a doormat. I want to be mutually exclusive, but I want others. I want to love and be loved, but I can’t.
I need attention to be able to function, I’m only just realising how self-centred this sounds. But I’m going to be honest, just to see where I’m going wrong. I need to be worshipped when it comes to men, I love that certain guys can look at me and no one else. I like it when men compare and I come out on top. I love when friends boyfriends check me out. I like being complimented. But I hate it when all I hear is about me.
All my past boyfriends have not exactly been in awe of me, I suppose that’s why I liked the attention I’m getting off my current boyfriend. But seriously, hearing that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world is getting pretty old, especially considering the stunners that are out there. Including his most recent girlfriend who has next to no flaws. I love compliments from strangers, and from his friends, but from him they seem so empty. I used to love it, love every little lie that would come out of his mouth, but now I suppose I’m just insecure as to why he’s stretching the truth of my appearance far beyond recognition. Is he lying to try and make himself believe it? Or simply to boost my confidence? I’ve seen him checking out other women, and this makes me jealous. I don’t know why, I’ve never experienced jealousy like this with any of my past relationships.
He really does seem to worship the ground I walk on, always showering me with compliments, kisses and hugs. Which I thought I’d always wanted, not having many affectionate relationships before, but suddenly I feel smothered. I don’t know why.
I want commitment; I’d love to marry someone and settle down and have kids. But every time he mentions weddings and engagements and pregnancy and moving out and the future and growing old, I feel suffocated. I like the idea that I’m the only one for him. But I’m not sure if he stretching the truth, again, if he lies about my physical appearance, is he fibbing about other things? Lulling me into a false security?
Every time I ask him these types of questions, he gets upset, nearly to the point of tears. I’ve always wanted an emotional man, but seriously, I don’t want someone who can’t keep himself pulled together.