Today has made it one week since I finally decided to move back with my husband for good. I really need to start from the beginning on this one, it has really been one messed up 6 years.
My husband and I met 6 years ago with the understanding it was just for sex. Well let me tell you! I moved in within the next couple of days and never left. Within six months we decided to leave our life behind and go on the road driving trucks. He left for two months to train to get his own truck, and while he was away I really missed the sex that we had together, and I had a one night stand. I told him the next day and I really think that at that point our troubles started, and even though he said he forgave me, I really think that he couldn't get past it.
So we start out life out on the road and everything seems great, being together constantly doesn't seem to bother either of us. SO here comes the day that he decides to get a laptop, and within one month I find that my husband is addicted to porn. It hurt everytime he would ignore me to look at it, everytime he would look at it for hours then have sex with me to cum, everytime he would hide it from me. Our realtionship finally turned violent, and within a year I had another one night stand, and like the first time I told him the next day. He acted like he didn't care and our miserable existance just continued on.
So 3 years on the truck took its toll on me and I quit and moved in with my mom, he lasted a month on the road without me and came home, went to a trade school and wasn't gone 3 weeks before I had my third one night stand, and like the times before, I told him the next day. He told me to quit my job and come to where he was to be with him, and I did it. So this is 3 years into our marriage in hell, he finished school and we started traveling for his new job.
The porn was a constant issue, causing screaming matches, violence, me packing my stuff and him promising to change, which would only last 3 or 4 days. Like before it was another year and I had my 4th one nighter, and of course telling him the next day.
I have no idea how we lasted this long, and in reality we hated each other, but I feared leaving because I had been dependant on him for so long, I couldn't see myself surviving without him. I had basically turned into his mother, taking care of him, the house, making sure the bills were paid. We were robots living under the same roof, with the exception of great sex. SEX is what kept us together. October of 2008 was what changed my life.
I got a job and saw that I could be independant, and within one month I got the guts to move out. I cried for a week, but worked as much as I could to keep my mind off of the pain I was dealing with. I met someone online a month later, and was overwhelmed with the attention of him wanting to text me constantly.
All this time my husband did and said things that I would have never imagined him being capable of. He hacked into my email, threw the fact that I lost our baby to miscarriage in my face, emailed my new friend and said he wanted to kill him, told my sister that he could see them together, called me heartless and a cheater, which is partially true. I lasted a month before I started missing sex, and because I couldn't see myself having sex with another person, I went back to him and basically used him for two weeks for the mind blowing sex I had missed so much.
I started missing my new friend, and left my husband for the second time. I lasted two more weeks, and went back to my husband for a week, again using him to take the edge off. One week and I left him for the third time. This went on for another 3 months, leaving and coming back, hurting him over and over for my own selfish acts, and wanting to punish him for hurting me for soo long. I had finally broken him down enough for him to go see a lawyer, and I promised to leave him alone.
One week and two days ago I decided to meet my new friend, and it was horrible, all I could think about was my husband, and couldn't bring myself to have sex with him, and even though I had cheated during my marriage, it was so hard to bring myself to be intimate while seperated. Last sunday I got the guts to leave and drive straight to my huband's, knowing for sure that he is who I want to be with forever. Now over the time of me going back and forth, hurting him, punishing him, he changed into the man that I had always wished for him to be, loving, attentive, caring, he stopped looking at porn, and he always put me first when we had our time together, and all I did was stomp on his heart.
So now its been one week since I have decided that my marriage is worth saving, and no longer am I scared to give it all that I have. The past six months have changed me, but I still have alot to learn, and hope that one day I can make it up to all the people that I have hurt, including my family.