Can My Marriage Be Saved?
After years of loving, leaving and one-night stands, one woman decides her marriage is worth saving.
Today has made it one week since I finally decided to move back with my husband for good. I really need to start from the beginning on this one, it has really been one messed up 6 years.
My husband and I met 6 years ago with the understanding it was just for sex. Well let me tell you! I moved in within the next couple of days and never left. Within six months we decided to leave our life behind and go on the road driving trucks. He left for two months to train to get his own truck, and while he was away I really missed the sex that we had together, and I had a one night stand. I told him the next day and I really think that at that point our troubles started, and even though he said he forgave me, I really think that he couldn't get past it.
So we start out life out on the road and everything seems great, being together constantly doesn't seem to bother either of us. SO here comes the day that he decides to get a laptop, and within one month I find that my husband is addicted to porn. It hurt everytime he would ignore me to look at it, everytime he would look at it for hours then have sex with me to c*m, everytime he would hide it from me. Our realtionship finally turned violent, and within a year I had another one night stand, and like the first time I told him the next day. He acted like he didn't care and our miserable existance just continued on.
So 3 years on the truck took its toll on me and I quit and moved in with my mom, he lasted a month on the road without me and came home, went to a trade school and wasn't gone 3 weeks before I had my third one night stand, and like the times before, I told him the next day. He told me to quit my job and come to where he was to be with him, and I did it. So this is 3 years into our marriage in hell, he finished school and we started traveling for his new job.
The porn was a constant issue, causing screaming matches, violence, me packing my stuff and him promising to change, which would only last 3 or 4 days. Like before it was another year and I had my 4th one nighter, and of course telling him the next day.
I have no idea how we lasted this long, and in reality we hated each other, but I feared leaving because I had been dependant on him for so long, I couldn't see myself surviving without him. I had basically turned into his mother, taking care of him, the house, making sure the bills were paid. We were robots living under the same roof, with the exception of great sex. SEX is what kept us together. October of 2008 was what changed my life.
I got a job and saw that I could be independant, and within one month I got the guts to move out. I cried for a week, but worked as much as I could to keep my mind off of the pain I was dealing with. I met someone online a month later, and was overwhelmed with the attention of him wanting to text me constantly.
All this time my husband did and said things that I would have never imagined him being capable of. He hacked into my email, threw the fact that I lost our baby to miscarriage in my face, emailed my new friend and said he wanted to kill him, told my sister that he could see them together, called me heartless and a cheater, which is partially true. I lasted a month before I started missing sex, and because I couldn't see myself having sex with another person, I went back to him and basically used him for two weeks for the mind blowing sex I had missed so much.
Discussion
such a sad situation. there is definetly not much respect for one another's feeling's here and you'r line's of communication are all wrong if you both and i mean both want this to work you will both need help doing so this relationship is so far out of wack now that i do not see how it is repairable by just the two of you figuring it out. take the advice from the previous commentor's thier advice was excellent. and the best of luck!
I hope all this isn't too tough for you to 'hear', because it's all dead on right (except, sorry Lyz, you're not wrong!)
It sounds like you either have a sex addiction or extremely low self-esteem and a damaged view of what love really means. None of this is necessarily your 'fault', but refusing to change the behavior and the pattern would be your fault. You have a responsibility to yourself to GET OUT NOW. Try a 12 step program or intensive therapy, whichever feels better (or both).
This is not something you can fix yourself, I promise you that. We're not supposed to do this alone! Leopards don't change their spots, meaning your guy will go back to his old ways unless he also has some intervention.
Ask yourself, how many times and from how many people do you need to hear this advice from before you'll take it? Hes not going to save you. He's not your knight in shining armor, and things won't be different for long this time.
Sending healing energy for you to have the strength to make the changes that will bring you peace (and great, wild, HEALTHY sex!!).
Love, Johanna
Johanna Lyman
Spiritual Love Coach
www.romancerecovery.com
First let me say I'm sorry if this seems offensive, but I was raised by parents with this type of relationship and I truly believe that being blunt is the best way to make someone understand.
Your relationship with your hubby is based on comfort and desire not love. There is nothing to hold you together when things get bad, so when you begin to feel uncomfortable you roam. The best thing you can do fo yourself is get out now! Buy a dildo and learn to cope with life without anyone else. Once you learn that you don't need a man you will be able to more fully love both yourself and your partner.
This is safer and does not risk the torture you put on those around you. You and your hubby are hurting people other than yourself even if you do not have children. Family and friends are also affected by your immature choices.
As far as he goes, I can tell you that his change is temporary. Addiction does not just go away!!! No matter how much he loves you he will again venture towards pornography if he does not receive professional help for his addiction, which probably began because he was subconciously lashing out at you.
You are bothing doing serious damage to yourselves and each other. There is no place for violence or cheating of any kind in a marriage. Grow up and move on!
Whooo...where to begin.
First of all, hon, you and hubby based a relationship on "great sex." Great sex isn't enough for a relationship to survive. Heck, sometimes love isn't enough for a relationship to survive (I speak from experience on that one).
Secondly, what disturbs me a lot about your post is that there seems to be a co-dependent and destructive quality to your marriage. You continue to have one-night stands and then make a point of telling your husband about it immediately after doing so. What is your purpose in that? To hurt him for ignoring you or to make him jealous or to just get the guilt "off your chest," so to speak?
There is so much more than just couples counseling needed here. You both need intensive, individual counseling as well. First to get to the root of why you equate sex with love and security and for him to find out why physical violence is his answer to supposedly "solving" the arguments between you (personally, I think the porn is a passive-agressive way of him "getting back" at you for your infidelity).
I think its in both of your best interests to seperate for the time being and do some serious individual counseling and perhaps work together on couples counseling because right now it sounds like together you are incredibly destructive toward one another and the only thing that getting back together will drive you to is a sad, scary and potentially dangerous road.
Good luck.
I'm with goldie on this. Without counseling I don't think you both will have the tools to really make the changes you need to in yourselves to make for a healthy marriage. I hate to nay-say, but if you both are serious about a change then you both seriously need to get some counseling, together and independently. My heart really does go out to you both, and I'm looking forward to an update.
With some variations i am very familiar with this type of relationship--- you say you miss him and want to be with him but it sounds as though you could be comfortable and just use to things going the way they do with him-- and like some one i know-- It seems as though you could still be scared of being independent ---and alone--- Im not sure whats going to happen-- but this is a volatile relationship----and you probably should think long and hard about getting some couseling or any kind of help--(for the both of you) if you want to be together
I have to say, I'm with Waterisland. While I do hope you and your husband can work this out. Your pattern of going back and forth is really typical of abusive relationships and without significant change, it will only continue. Your husbands goal is control and he uses this calm "honeymoon" time to lull you back. Then the tension will build again then it will explode, he'll hit you, you'll cheat, it will happen again. Maybe you'll leave, maybe not. He'll apologize, tell you he didn't mean it and then be nice again. But it will start all over. You need to take care of yourself and get out of this bad situation. It will not end unless you get out.
Sad to say, but I'm pessimistic. I'll be rooting for you, but I think at this point the only real change in you both will come through God (no, I'm not a 'bible thumper'). I'll withold any further comments till you split up again. Do come back.
