Give Us Your Best Love Advice
Check out who won our McLeod's Daughters giveaway.
In honor of Mother's Day 2009, the YourTango staff collected love advice from our mothers.
We also asked you, devoted YourTango readers, to share your best love life advice with us for the chance to win a McLeod's Daughters Season 8 DVD set.
The caliber of your responses stunned us. Unfortunately, we could choose but one lucky winner: Qverb!
Here's a sample of the advice he had to share with us:
Its funny...the things that stick with you, little lessons you live your life by. I clearly remember my father telling me once, when I was about 6 and not particularly wanting all of the food put on my plate, "Eat the stuff you don't like first, and the stuff you like most last...it'll taste even better!" He doesn't remember it, of course he doesn't remember what he saw on TV last night, but it's funny how a little saying like that can take root and be a guideline for many aspects of your life.
Read the rest of Qverb's love advice in the comments below.
Thank you to everyone who contributed your heartfelt, ever-wise advice. If you didn't win this contest, there are still other opportunities to win McLeod's Daughters DVDs. Check out Tomfoolery's "Cowboy Romance" giveaway for more details.
Winner of a host of Australian television awards, McLeod's Daughters aired on Australian TV for eight seasons. Seasons 1-3 aired in the States on WE (Women's Entertainment) from 2004 until March 2006. The show chronicles two estranged sisters who—with the help of some very wise and hardworking women—reconcile and run their father's ailing ranch after he passes away.
Discussion
Many people attempts to compare love with company. But they don't know that being in love is more than having someone by your side keeping you company. Love is about the way you feel when you are with that person, how their love makes you grow as a person, you get to fell things you have never felt before. You know when you love someone because you accept them how they are, and those little defects are the ones that make you fall in love everyday more. I know its love because you cry of happiness, you cry because you feel so much love that you don't know what to do. And also because you don't have the strength to be away from that person, or the strength to be mad at them or to stop loving them!
The best love advice is not to love at all but cherish those feelings you get when things are going well because love is sweet and sour its everything people wish they could control the best thing I like about love is that you dont have to love everything and everybody because when it really comes down to it I was born by myself I'm going to die by myself that is why when I tell a women I love her its because of the time and things I enjoyed doing while I was with her remember (with her at the time).
Another one is to go into a relationship loving yourself and only give in a little bit reward your partner with your love
The best love advice. Probably about the most important thing anyone needs to know in life. It's the basis for any intimate relationship particularly one you want to keep forever. The best love advice is more important than the best financial/stock market advice, more important than advice on choosing a career,an auto or any other such worldly things, cause when they're all gone-you hope you still have eachother. Unfortunately no-one gives classes on the subject. It could bring us the greatest joy in life or it could bring us the greatest disappointment. Although I've had many successes in life,the lack of knowing or practicing the best love advice has certainly been my biggest failure in life. It has contributed to the loss of what I had hoped would be a relationship that would last 'till death do us part'.One like my parents had , one that I hope my children have. Oh well, maybe next time around. I know I did some things right. It lasted over 20yrs and the children are all grown-and for the most part had some pretty good role models. Let me share what I do know, and I'll learn from what you all have to share. I've read some very good things. The basis for any intimate relationship is honesty. Without honesty there really is no intimacy. I have had some lifelong friends that upon them getting married, (or married again) or even if we had just been out on the town-have said-"don't let my wife know....whatever. That we use to smoke pot, or when we were single we visited a cat house in Istambul,etc,etc. I don't see how they can have any real intimacy if they feel they need to lie to their spouses all the time about who they are. I had one friend that after 15yrs of marriage I found out he was still doing cocaine-on a regular basis. And he says-"don't let my wife know". One deception usually leads to many till it comes to the point that one spouse doesn't really know the other at all. That's not intimacy. I have never lied to my wife about anything. Hard as it was sometimes, I always let her know what was going on and briefly told her of many of the events in my past life. I even fessed up to her that on a business trip I had done some cocaine with a client. Don't let deceptions and lies seperate you emotionally from your lover. Equally, WOMEN, most of the time , we know when you're lying or being deceptive. It diminishes the intimacy just the same. When the money is tight or there's a budget that needs to be adhered to -We know that that new dress in the closet is not " oh, I've had that a long time, you just never noticed it before". I have heard too many women remark along the lines " Men are dumb creatures, just feed them,screw them and tell them what they want to hear. Some women think it's cute. It doesn't contribute to intimacy. I recall many years ago hearing a therepist say that the most important organ in having sex....is the mind! And recent popular studies I have read claim that successful gratifying climax's are coupled with peoples ability to feel open,uninhibited, and unthreatened. To let your guard down. Henceforth I think it goes without saying that the best sex can come about when two people feel completely honest and safe with eachother. That they are not in any fear or hiding something. I think it's very possible that as many people get older, the baggage and emotions they are hiding causes their inability to have satisfying sex and in time sex becomes dysfunctinal. I am also aware that there are many people that have satisfying sex lives into their eighty's and even beyond. I'm willing to bet that they feel very safe and honest about their partners and THEMSELVES. Honesty begins with self. Before we can be honest with others we have to be honest with ourselves, and that starts even before the relationship. I think in those cases when people KEEP picking the wrong partner-a comprehensive program in self honesty is the best course. It is that honesty with self that allows us to choose an appropriate partner. It has to do with unrealistic expectations of ourself and our mate. "Yeah,he's a hothead,egotistical,or irresponsible person, but-- he's hot, or wealthy, or has a good job" and "I'll change him-because love conquers all" wears very thin in years to come. Or, " she' s a sloppy housekeeper,lousy with her money,liberal democrat/republican(lol)or too easy(?) but we'll work on those things cause she's really good in bed or likes to party like I do" most often ends up as 'irreconcilable differences. Being honest with ourselves and choosing someone that has 'like' qualities(vices don't count) and self respect most often provides grounds for being able to work together successfully. I have heard some psychologists say that 'opposites attract' and can provide balance for eachother. Unfortunately that didn't prove true in my case. Although we had some things in common, obviously our differences were too overwhelming to bridge the gap and provide us both with sucessful common ground. (But untill the last two years-the sex WAS great.-lots of make-up sex-LOL) Hand in hand with honesty is 'ACCEPTANCE'. I was very honest. I probably wasn't very good at acceptance. This one is hardest. At least it was for me. It's hard to be very honest with our emotions and feelings with others if there is not an enviornment of acceptance. That I know. I will say this, she was mostly very accepting of me. Once again, acceptance,just as with honesty- starts with self. I'm a very 'can-do' type person. I don't often accept excuses or limitations for myself. It's always been very hard for me to accept them from others. It was often given that the reason she lied/mislead/deceived me was because I wasn't very accepting of her emotions or feelings or that she knew I would get upset. I can't offer any profound wisdom on acceptance other than to say we must accept our own faults and provide a safe comfortable enviornment for our mate if we want true intimacy. I'm still learning. Don't go to bed angry with eachother. Make a good attempt to have sex even if you don't think you're in the mood(you might be surprised when you get started)and your partner is. Don't with-hold sex as punishment. Always pay attention to your hygene-sometimes it's easy to slide into a habit of being unkempt(housecoat,Moo-moo,not shaving,etc). Enjoy common interests together (at least one big one). Go out on dates, and have candle-lit baths together. Pray together(it got us through some rough times).These are all very helpful things to practice in any love relationship-but I really believe honesty is the basis for intimacy -which is necessary for true love. If If things get too impossible-and they can in any relationship-seperate for a few weeks. Often that gives you both the opportunity to re-evaluate a situation without it getting worse. And if all else fails, don't stay in a dead relationship. Life without love isn't living.
Its Complicated yet can or could be as simple as Apple pie, LOVE, what maks it work, what doesnt? and because one thing works for one couple, it doesnt mean it will work for another.
But theres my love advice that pretty much work for anyone, and are very basic:
*Love is a gamble no matter how you turn it
*Just as life, love CAN be a box of chocolates, at times sweet, sometimes a nut on the inside!
*Loyalty and honesty are the most important in love and relationships, and its something i stand by.
*Love is wonderful, and can last forever with the right moves and no tricks
Monica Freeman
My daddy gave me this jewel of wisdom when I was a teenager.
“No one is going to take care of you like you are going to take care of you.”
These words have been with me for the past 20 years. We were talking about self-reliance and his words were spoken in that context. However, they speak volumes about what you can expect from others for yourself and how to treat yourself.
I had always taken what he said to mean that I am my best keeper. Only I am going to look out for my best interest 100% of the time. And if I don’t love and respect myself, how can I expect someone else to.
That’s just scratching the surface.
This statement covers honesty, openness, sexuality, caring, and the list can go on for miles.
Nobody’s going to respect you enough to tell you the truth if you don’t respect yourself enough to tell it in the first place.
How can your partner know what pleases you, if you aren’t open and communicate that to them. If you don’t respect yourself enough to voice your desires, fantasies, and sexual appetite, how can you expect someone to fulfill them. At the same time, if you don’t understand that you won’t get what you want without reciprocating, then you’re really not taking care of yourself.
And most importantly, if you’re not going to have fun in a relationship fulfilling your needs as well as your partners both on an emotional and physical level, then you’re not going to get it from your partner.
We’re not even going to get into self-esteem and abusive relationships!
The best advise I ever got was from a wise old woman that I will always hold dear to my heart, my grandmother. She taught me some very important things. Here are a few of them...
1.) Love yourself the way you want to be loved, because no one will ever live up to your expectations. So if you are loving yourself completely then however he/she expresses his/her love will be an added bonus.
2.) When two people are in a relationship it is not a 50/50 partnership, it is 100/100 partnership. Because you both have to give your all to make everything work. And besides if you both are only giving 50, what happens when you both are giving the same 50?
3.) You teach people how to treat you and how to talk to you, starting with how you talk to and treat yourself. If you talk about yourself badly, so will others. If you treat yourself badly, so will others. If you let someone treat you in a way that you don't like and don't stand up for yourself, you are teaching that person that it is okay to treat you that way.
4.) The best thing to do when someone hurts you, intentionally or unintentionally, is to forgive them and let it go. Not for them but for yourself. No one can live a happy life if they are holding onto so much hurt and anger for or from someone else.
5.) Never judge anyone! You don't know the circumstances surrounding their situation. What may seem like the obvious, may just if fact be the opposite!
I hope these help someone elses life, the way they have helped mine.
Honestly my advice is short and to the point and was given to me by my very close Mother -n-law on the day of my wedding " Your dress is pretty but do see that long train thats attached to the dress its long for a reason, that is all the ups and downs that you carry and go through in you marrige -Marrige is not meant to be easy just remember your commitment to each other.
These comments have a lot of good in them...I must add something though. Remember to keep your"SELF" intact, but don't be afraid to immerse yourself in loving your partner. Love is a two way street, but each person gives of themselves in a different way. So, if you give all that you are, to enjoy and love the other person, it will be felt and appreciated. Then back off and let THEM love YOU in their way. And be ready to accept with an open heart and a smile on your face, whatever they are able to give you.
My best advice is this:
1. He/she is an EX for a reason. So many people want their ex's back or want to know when their ex is coming back. Yes, he/she WILL come back. Everyone needs the reassurance that they've made a great decision in leaving a relationship. Therefore, yes, you WILL get left again.
2. No, he's not leaving the wife for you. You are his afternoon entertainment 2 x a month, or when he feels like it (because you will rush to his call at the drop of a hat HOPING to prove to him you're the love of his life, not that old hag that bore his 4 kids).
3. Texting and email are not actual communication...they are totally different animals. If all you're getting from what you hope to be your significant other is a "yep" or a quick forwarded email, you really are NOT communicating. No REAL communication = no REAL relationship. An internet "chat" is NOT a real relationship. I know you may think it is, but it isn't. Seriously, can you embrace a piece of hardware? (well, sure THAT hardware, but I'm talking a computer).
3. Always follow a good fight with make up sex. Or a piece of peach pie. Whichever is more convenient.
4. Oral sex does not involve a lot of talking. In fact, it doesn't involve ANY talking. It's distracting.
5. Men are simple. They eat, breathe and don't wonder when you're going to call. WHY do YOU obsess over "when is he going to call?" (especially since he's probably at home watching football, having a beer and the closest thing he gets to wondering about a "call" is a bad one made by the Ref). Also, make a note that men will screw anything that moves...just shy of mosquitoes. It's common knowledge.
6. If you continually accuse him of cheating, he will. Why wouldn't he? You're practically insisting that he does!
7. If you REALLY want a comitted, loyal and loving partner - get a dog.
And, that's about all the advice I have to offer at this time. Ok, it's a bit jaded... well, fine - A LOT jaded, but there are some cold hard facts in it.
Thank you for reading this. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming....
Sincerely,
AZangel99
Jane Wilcox
www.janewilcox.com
The best advice I ever got came from an elderly woman at the doctor's office. I got a ride from a friend since my car was being repaired. When he left to window shop, and told me he'd return to pick me up, he said "I love you."
What she told me changed my opinion about relationships forever. She told me that the last thing any woman should want is a man's love. She told me, men don't operate on the emotion of love, only women. When a woman says "I love you", she automatically means that she will put her partner's needs above her own, and they are the most important human to her. When men say "I love you", the meaning is not the same. I asked her if not his love, what does a woman need. I didn't understand .
She told me to remember the number of women that are abused, beaten, left with nothing, murdered, disfigured, kids without fathers, hungry ,desperate families, abandoned families, partners in prison, etc. She said "they all said, 'I love you', and they really did love their wives, partners, and families. Yet, something more important was missing!"
She continued to say that she's been married for almost 61 years!
She told me the only things that any woman needs from a male partner is 3 things, honor, respect, and pride.
What a man has pride for, he takes care of. What a man has respect for, he doesn't abuse. What a man has honor for, he defends. Where in that is love? Men don't work on that emotion.
After hearing that, I had a better idea of how the emotions of men work.
Yes, it's all about MUTUAL respect but my best advice is that you have TO LOVE YOURSELF before you can properly love someone else. Just like you have to BE A GREAT FRIEND to HAVE great friends! It's all about having that respect for yourself and then that translates to everything you do and every relationship you have.
HERE IS MY SIMPLE ADVICE IF YOU DONT HAVE MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE YOU HAVE NOTHING. LOVE DOES NOT HURT EITHER. ENJOY EACH OTHER.
Well my answer would have to be my mother. She always told me to respect my body and that it is not to share with everyone. She also told me that I would have to look at myself everyday in the mirror and live with the decisions that i made concerning everything including sex. She said everytime i disrespected my body that it took a piece of me with it and putting that piece back together would not be an easy task. Well i listened to her till i was 16 then thought i knew it all and i now regret alot of things i did. She also told me when i found true love i would know it and i asked her how. She said everyone feels different but trust me you will know it. It took me two husbands and two divorces and finding a man i truly love to see she was right. She was also right about the pieces getting put back together. Im close but not quite there. My mom passed away in a car wreck in 2002 at a young age of 53. I miss her dearly and it is an honor to share her advice with all of you.
Its funny...the things that stick with you, little lessons you live your life by. I clearly remember my father telling me once, when I was about 6 and not particularly wanting all of the food put on my plate, "Eat the stuff you don't like first, and the stuff you like most last...it'll taste even better!" He doesn't remember it, of course he doesn't remember what he saw on TV last night, but its funny how a little saying like that can take root and be a guideline for many aspects of your life. Do the things you need to do first, the chores that always seem to get in the way, the education you need for the career you want, dealing with the issues you're parents bequeathed to you, and all parents leave their children with some issues, its only natural. These things that none of us want to face, our core issues that keep us from being happy, from being able to give and recieve love, from being able to live a great life...these are the things that only we can take care of for ourselves. There is no magic pill subscribed by your doctor that will take away your issues with self confidence because mom and dad didn't really pay attention to you as a child. There are no answers at the bottom of the bottle, hanging on a clothes rack in a designer store, being dealt out by a dealer on the corner, or found in the frozen food section at the local super market (and I love my rocky road).
The secret to being successful in love is the same as being successful in life. You have to do the work to get past your fears, your insecurities, your percieved inadequacies, so that you can find who you really are, what really makes you happy, what you have within you. Yeah, sounds too simple and new agey...until you really start dealing with your issues and challenging yourself. As an adult we all must remember one very important thing...
We choose who we are, how we live our life, and how we love ourselves and others.
I know, you're expecting to hear; Communication is key, boundaries are important in relationship, Trust is necessary, yadda, yadda, yadda. They are important, but those are things that are also outside of yourself. Those are concerns for when you are in a relationship. How did you choose to be in that relationship? How are your past experiences influencing this relationship? Are you repeating relationships, getting the same type of partner and the same outcome over and over again? If you are, then no amount of relationship advice will help you. If you really want to love someone learn to love yourself first. If your car is broken, you fix it. If your computer is old then you upgrade it. If you are broken or damaged in some way then likewise you won't work correctly until you work on yourself.
We choose who we are. Yes, we all want to be more, whatever "more" means to us individually, but we need to do the work to be there. Not doing the work is our choice. Doing the work is our choice. Not deciding one way or the other is our choice. Take responsibility for who you are and do the work to be who you want to be.
When you're doing the work to bring positive change to yourself you will see the quality of your relationships improve as well. Because you understand yourself and your thoughts better you begin to understand your partner better and find it easier to work together to meet both of your needs. Communication becomes something sacred between you, trust becomes implicit and unwaivering, and the depth of the love that can grow between you is amazing because you've learned what real intimacy is with yourself and can now share in that with your loved one. There is a reason many of us repeat the same dating mistakes, keep picking the worst possible partners, and keep having the same bad endings...because we haven't learned from the previous ones yet.
So my advice, eat your veggies. Do the work to be the person you have always wanted to be, the one that you see that is whole and complete without having to be in a relationship. No, you actually won't be able to do this on your own. You will most likely need help, and some of it will undoubtedly be professional. Remember, its your choice. Do the work, eat your veggies, and then you can really enjoy the dessert. Everything tastes better when you've worked for it and earned it.
1. My wife's pastor told her to be an angel in the church but a devil in bed. Wow! awesome advice for she's a hotter devil in bed now than then which was 1988.
2. I would encourage people to read Intimate & Unashamed. This Christian book about sex will surprise your socks off!!! He addresses real life sexual issues that many prudish Christians either blindly ignore or thoughtlessly condemn. He encourages the use of vibrators, lingerie, massage oils, enjoying the bathtub together, fantasy, and making love only in the bedroom instead of on a deserted beach, etc.In addition to Intimate and Unashamed, I would recommend Ultimate Sex, The Art of Sensual Loving, Sexopedia as well as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for the bedroom.
3. I think all wives should read Debra White's book How to Romance Your Husband. Her husband's book How to Romance Your Wife is good also.
4. Be open and honest about enjoying sex toys! Ladies, several of us men like vibrators also. A prostrate massage toy or some other such toys would make a nice father's day, birthday, or Christmas gift.
I've gotten very little in the way of good advice over the years. After a very bad breakup, I decided to take a more proactive approach to my continuation of failed relationships: I went into counseling.
I initially went into it to help me cope through the pain of the breakup. It was more devastating than the others. I wanted to avoid going into a depression and taking pills. Not that there's anything wrong with pills, it's just that they don't tell you why you keep dating the same person over and over again.
So my advice for singles is: get some therapy. Seriously. There may be some very common patterns that cause you to continue to seek out people who are not right for you. A good counselor can help you find your patterns and give you tools to break them. Self reflection is a humbling experience, so be prepared to find out some stuff you may not have realized about yourself and your family life.
Since the counseling, I found my soul mate! I'm not saying that therapy got me my soul mate, but I think it certainly helped me recognize a man whom I would have ordinarily pushed out of my mind as a worthy suitor. We met online, and are going to be married later this year.
My advice for couples is this: keep communicating. IT is more important than anything else. My fiance and I are carrying on a very long distance relationship and I know if it wasn't for the fact that we speak on the phone daily, we couldn't stay connected with each other. I have a friend who's husband goes away for months at a time. They don't have the ability to communicate every day, so when they do, it's precious. Make sure you choose the right things to say in your short time, because this friend feels unloved despited many years of marriage. I highly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. It's a book on how to communicate your love to your partner. It may not solve any long term problems in your marriage, but then again, it just might.
My fiance has this simple quote: If those who you love never doubt that love, then you're lovin' 'em right!
It is that simple.
These are my top 5 Things You Can Do to Keep Love Alive (or bring it back to life!)
1. Communicate regularly. There are three types of communication in relationships: informational, disruptive, and connective. Focus on the third type. Let your partner know when you appreciate something they’ve done, speak from the heart, and let them in on your hopes, fears and dreams.
2. Laugh together. Laughter is great medicine. It helps the endorphins kick in and remind you why you connected in the first place.
3. Turn off the TV. Unless it’s a funny movie and you’re laughing together, TV makes us catatonic. Focus on each other instead of the screen.
4. Go Somewhere Different. Whether it’s a new restaurant, or getting lost on a Sunday drive, do something different to stay out of a rut. This is especially important in bed. Get a toy, share a fantasy, or indulge in an afternoon delight (hey, I just took that advice a few minutes ago, and it was delicious!!)
5. Spend Time Alone. Totally alone, by yourself, not even with your partner. Alone time is rejuvenating to the soul, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I recommend you each take a separate vacation once a year.
Johanna Lyman, Spiritual Love Coach
Sometimes when things are not perfect in my relationship, I am tempeted to wonder what life would be like if I had married so-and-so past love. Then I always remind myself that this other person is not at all like my idealized mental picture - they all had unpleasant personality quirks or maybe a disposition to be unfaithful. This has kept me satisfied with the wonderful but flawed human I ended up with.
I got suck ass advice from The Powers that Be....so I have my own philosophy about relationships. Just hit the 23 anniversary mark.
1. Open and honest communication about everything, including your fantasies-don't have any? Read an erotic book or watch a show/movie.
(Had a marriage counselor tell me to read "The awakening of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice not recommended for everyone, but damn it did it for me.) If you can't fullfil your significant others fantasies then who will?
2. Separate the physical from the mental-nothing between two consensual adults should be taboo-allow the physical pleasure to rule!
3. Figure out how to find pleasure in giving pleasure-this also involves teaching your mate what pleases you-figure it out.
4. Never fake it-tell them it's not working try something else.
5. Seduce-learn to seduce your partner at unexpected times-like not just on your anniversary.
6. Never laugh at your mates needs, dreams, desires, fantasies, or attempts at being sexy. (Life matters-be encouraging and supportive-if mate wants to go back to school, or what ever-Life goals)
7. Pounce-Ummm come running in the room, sit on your partners lap, and kiss their neck and give them an "Oh my God where did that come from?" kiss then sashay off.
8. Compromise-know that what turns a man on is NOT what turns a woman on, and be willing to go there!
9. Sometimes it takes 3-if anyone else is needed to fullfil a fantasy remember it is physical rarely emotional. (toys work here as well)
10. Men like romance as much as women-make love, show absolute love, let them know they are "it" for you.
11. Spend 1 day or morning a month in bed doing the crossword, cuddling,
12. Mean what you say and say what you mean! Stop making the other guess what you want or what you meant to say!
13. Know that it is okay to go to bed mad.
14. In an argument don't point fingers, and shut up if you are so mad you spew garbage-apologize and tell them you did not mean it-immediately!
15. Give them their space when needed, if your in love they will be back, but we all need our "my time"
16. Football (or whatever) is more important-get over it-pounce at half time.
17. Go out on dates after you get together-even if it is a picnic in the back yard.
18. It is never "all about you" but about the two of you. Learn to tell each other when a bad mood is about something outside the relationship, and respect their silence if they don't tell you.
19. Come to common agreements about money, religion, chores, friends, etc....when you have kids get to discussions and agreements away from the kids-parents rule as a team.
20. Live what is, not what was-this means periodically you ask "Have the rules changed.", "What do you fantasize about.", "Is there something I do that bothers you.", "What is your philosophy about...." and respect their answers.
21. LEARN to agree to DISAGREE-and that's okay you are two different human beings.
22. Never keep secrets-it will come back and bite you in the ass!
23. No regrets, just lessons learned.
