In our younger, dumber days the unnecessary regrettable hook-up added proud, brag-worthy hair to our chest. We'd gladly regale in last night's mistakes over a round of brunch mimosas and a chorus of cackles. Of course, we'd swear on our eggs to never make such a trashtastic mistake again. Then we'd go home, sleep it off and do it again. And again. Alas, time makes everything old. Now we're ready to grab a Bloody Mary, discuss the headlines and travel the road less traveled: Self Control. If you too are cut out of the same impulsive cloth, we'll give you some pointers on calling it a night when you should.
1.) THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR A REASON THE FIRST TIME.
This applies to Sex With The Ex, old booty call, fling, fill in the blank, etc. who you you're getting dangerously close to again. Ex sex is a comfy little mistake to curl up into whenever feeling lonely, drunk, desperate, nostalgic, lazy or a sad mixture of all of the above. Sound attractive? Yeah, well it looks even worse. Depending on how it ended, ex sex may also serve as a sick little personal triumph that yesterday's news still finds you relevant. Totally narcissistic. Both of you. Enough. Broken this shall stay. Whenever you feel the ex sex itch, then it should be a reminder to go on a search for new talent.
2.) DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME?
Yes, two seconds ago we advised you to find something bright and shiny to distract from the ghosts of break-ups past floating into your bedroom sector. We know. But hell hath no fury than that of a headache ridden walk of shame. When the moon shines brightly and this dimly lit mystery person seems like the most intriguing person on the planet, and probably lives in the most awesome pad and you just have to see it, try to feel that walk of shame. Feel it. Do you really want to spend the next morning escaping from a stranger, squinting and trying to find your way home? No. No is the correct answer.
3.) ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD BE DOING?
We know there is. Don't try to say there isn't. A lone netflix trapped somewhere under some mail? A resume that could use some brushing up? A book on Foreign Policy that would love some attention? We're pretty sure you'll learn more from any of those than you will from another blurry experience with so and so, who works somewhere, who you met at that place.
4.) TRY SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE. YOU MAY LEARN SOMETHING.
Remember that Seinfeld where George Constanza does the exact opposite of everything he'd normally do? He decides "if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right." Sounds logical. Give it a shot. Look, I think I see cab right there.