I keep going over this day in my head wondering how I let my heart override my brain. When she walked in the room, I could not remember or speak or hear anything. I found me stareing and trying hard to turn my head but I couldnt. If she said something. I cant tell you because I was busy. It was the first time in my life I had felt this weirdness about me so I didnt know how to react. I didnt want her to move and I certainly wanted to read her lips. I felt lightheaded and put my hands on the desk and tried clearing my throat and bracing myself. Finally, I heard a voice saying something. All I could do was excuse myself and follow her. What was happening? Why was I acting so strange. Never had I been so silly. Yet I have always longed to smile like this and have this light feeling. So many questions danced in my head as I walked. Once in a while she'd turn and look at me and Id give this smile as to say, dont worry, Im still obdiently following you.
Many many moons have past since that day and yet I still have this same, first time feeling. I want to shake it somehow or open my mouth and just tell her that I am like beyond in love with her. I see her everyday. I want to know how do I either act on this or simply let it go. I know there is a first time for everything. I am teased by my friends because they say .. its not possible to be attracted to someone so long and not say anything. They tell me to grow a back bone and just ask her out or invite her to something. I do fear rejection here but I know i cant keep this up much longer. Im just torturing myself. I feel so connected and attracted to her. Ive cared for ppl and liked them. This is the first time, Ive ever felt like this though.
When she ask me questions, or give me compliments, I get all nervous. Im told maybe because of her job she has to be careful. Its been over a year and I guess I need to know If its best to walk away with my pride or just walk up to her and ask her out?
Lastly, there is a big difference in our age. Should that alone cause more fear? I have no more nails left, Is there any help for me??
thanks, sorry its so long.. getting this out, i feel a bit better
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