Rabbi's Rx For Sexless Marriage

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Rabbi Shmuley Boteach mixes Kaballah and Tantra to help couples restore desire to their sex lives.

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By the time Meg and Danny came to see me, they had not had sex in more than a year. Meg had put on weight, but Danny denied that was the reason he did not feel like having sex with his wife. He said he simply had not been in the mood for many months. He complained that his wife bullied him into it, made him feel guilty about not desiring her, and that just diminished his interest in her even more. He said he felt generally lethargic. It wasn't directed at his wife. He just felt uninspired, like he had no energy.

 

One comment he made shocked me: "If my wife continues to badger me on this sex thing, then I think I want a divorce." For her part, Meg said that her husband not touching her at night was torturing her. She felt ugly and unwanted. She wanted her husband to be intimate with her.

"We're not roommates, for goodness' sake. We're married. This is unnatural." I told them to start slow.

"Meg, don't push your husband for sex. Rather, when he comes home at night, massage his shoulders. Help him relieve tension. Do that for a few days. Then Danny, like any gentleman, you have to reciprocate. You should start by massaging your wife's shoulders. From there the two of you can progress to lying in bed and giving each other soft sensual massages for a few minutes each night. If you feel like doing it longer, do it longer. And if you then feel like you're desiring each other more, slowly progress to more intense forms of intimacy. But only if you feel like it. But here's the catch. Do not climax. Neither of you. As it is, Danny, your libido's running on fumes. So don't let any sexual steam leak out."

They followed my advice. With a few hiccups, it began to work. After two weeks of touching each other, Danny wanted to have sex with his wife. They did so without climax, although both admitted it was challenging, and Danny had to leave the bed a few times to gain control. But he did it. They made it to a full week without orgasming. Sex became long and involved, lasting more than an hour each time.