Rabbi's Rx For Sexless Marriage


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Rabbi Shmuley Boteach mixes Kaballah and Tantra to help couples restore desire to their sex lives.

One comment he made shocked me: "If my wife continues to badger me on this sex thing, then I think I want a divorce." For her part, Meg said that her husband not touching her at night was torturing her. She felt ugly and unwanted. She wanted her husband to be intimate with her.

"We're not roommates, for goodness' sake. We're married. This is unnatural." I told them to start slow.


"Meg, don't push your husband for sex. Rather, when he comes home at night, massage his shoulders. Help him relieve tension. Do that for a few days. Then Danny, like any gentleman, you have to reciprocate. You should start by massaging your wife's shoulders. From there the two of you can progress to lying in bed and giving each other soft sensual massages for a few minutes each night. If you feel like doing it longer, do it longer. And if you then feel like you're desiring each other more, slowly progress to more intense forms of intimacy. But only if you feel like it. But here's the catch. Do not climax. Neither of you. As it is, Danny, your libido's running on fumes. So don't let any sexual steam leak out."

They followed my advice. With a few hiccups, it began to work. After two weeks of touching each other, Danny wanted to have sex with his wife. They did so without climax, although both admitted it was challenging, and Danny had to leave the bed a few times to gain control. But he did it. They made it to a full week without orgasming. Sex became long and involved, lasting more than an hour each time.

Danny said that the hardest part of the exercise was that he could not sleep after sex. His body was still in a state of arousal. I said to him, "But isn't that good? Look how far you've come. A few weeks ago, you had no energy and no desire for your wife. Now, you have so much energy caused by desire for your wife that you can't even sleep!"

The long sexual encounters were good for both of them. For Meg it was great exercise, a great calorie-burner, and most importantly, great for the ego and self-esteem. She felt like her husband loved her again. For Danny, it was an awakening from the dead. His shriveled self had begun to expand. And it wasn't only his sex life that was gradually restored, but his interest in the details of his life that has sucked his spirit out in the first-place.

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