I haven't been lucky in love. It seems like love and me just should not be together.
I just recently broke up with my 'sort-of" boyfriend of a little over a year. For the 3rd time. And despite that, he is in my bedroom, right now, watching his tv.
And it's all my fault.
Before him, I met a semi-charmig African man, got pregnant with our son, and said I was leaving beccause he hid too much of himself from me. Then, somehow(okay-I was hot and bothered) we managed to conceive our daughter. Then he got arrested, and he's now facing deportation. One week after we conceived our daughter, they met him on his way to work, and arrested him. And neither of his children have seen him since.
Oh, and did I mention that I'm supposed to marry him so that he can say in the country, if he actually get released long enough to do so?Yeah...that slips my mind sometimes. After I remember that he's(supposedly) inheriting his grand father's estate, valued at over $600,000??? Sure.
I'm not trying to man-bash here. I'm just trying to give a short chornology about my odd, drama-filled love life.
The truth is, I love being in love. Really. I love the opposite sex. I love having sex, I love the possiblity of marriage, I love the idea that someday, I may possibly spend the rest of my life with just one person. But yet, I never see that in sight with the way I'm heading.
I want to say, "Screw all this, I'm going solo!" and sometimes I do get far enought o actually believe myself. One part of me craves marriage, the other part- complete solitude.
I know my mistakes in loe are holding me back(amoung other things). I want to be a successful single mother giving credit to the Divine and myself, for sticking thought it all and becoming sucessful-and rich. I don't want to give credit to a man "For being there for me, through it all" because, well, I'm selfish. I don't wantmy credits tobe part-way given to another. I want my kids to know that they have an inner strength that no one can help them with, and I want to be a leading example of that.
The only problem is, as someone once said- It's loney at the top.
I'm actually facing a lot in the area of life right now. I'm moving out f m current home, I'm tying hard to live a Christian life style( And trust me- I'm not in any way, shape, or form trying to convert or condem someone by saying this statement-I'm not perfect, and I don't expect everyone to be in my religion, and that's okay with me), and falling on my face the whole way through. The man I mentioned earlier? He has no idea on what to do- the only reason he's here is because he doesn't have a job and can't pay the shelter a $2 a day rent. I'm not sure of what to do with him just yet. I really don't want him living with me,because he's a bad influence on my kids, he broke a window during an arguement(the kids weren't present-I'm not a complete fool), and he's just not as fun as he used to be. He's a little...mentally challenged and it's like that puppy at the pet shop that craps all over the cage. You think, 'Oh, I'm sure if he had the right training, he wouldn't do that", but you'd never pick up the puppy and take him home, because,well, you just got new carpets, or whatever your reason. But I'm the kind of person that takes the puppy,brings him home, and tries everything possible to train him to do better. Except my 'puppies' are men-men who always have something wrong with them, men who say, 'if the world would just give me a chance...' . I love a man that's misunderstood, a man that needs a chance, a man who needs just one person in their corner to support them through this temporary(but ends up long-term) rough patch in their life.
I have got to stop. It's affecting so many other aspects of my lfe that it's becomng a life of its own. I'm not completely depressed about it, because crap happens to everyone, and I'm no exception. I crave the man that has his crap together, his plans almost complete, and wants a woman by his side like me.
But, until I get some time to reflect on this more, I'm not taking any more puppies home. I'm trying to leave them at the pet store. But they always seem to get out of the cage, follow me home, and scratch on the door for lovin'.
Or sometimes, I bring them home on a leash.
Reagrdless, I need to stop bring these sad stories back home.
I need to stay single for a long time. A very, very, very long time.
That is, if I don't get married to a man who has a make-believe inheritance....