Our affair has forced me to break my walls against intimacy, to feel desired, to be myself with someone for the first time. I feel like I'm allowed to tell someone what I need, and he's happy to oblige. In the past I'd always wanted to do things on my own, but he's showing me how nice it is to have someone help me.
There are certainly hard times. I go back and forth between loving and hating him, wanting to commit and wanting to leave him. But for the most part it feels good to finally feel emotions like this. The two of us have exceeded the boundary of passion, and I can't imagine going back to something less.
More from YourTango: I'm Falling In Love With Someone Off-Limits—Now What?
The possibility that I could be the person he's looking for makes me shaky. He's amazing to me, I'm just not sure I'm ready for commitment and a family. I'm not even sure what the two of us would be like without her in his life, what we'd be like together as a couple out of the closet, seeing one another every day. But I'm most nervous about him leaving me.
What happens in the future depends on many things—his relationship with his wife and how long the two of them can handle an open marriage, his desire for a family versus his commitment to their union, what I can handle and what I want from him, and what he wants from me.
More from YourTango: When I Wouldn't Confront My Trust Issues, They Confronted Me
Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I feel like a home-wrecker? I do. But if, in several years, he is happy and has a family, with me or without, and I can finally let people in behind my emotional walls, then our meeting will have been worth it—especially if the two of us are together in the end.