Love and relationship advice from the gods and goddesses of comedy.
If there was an 11th Commandment, "thou shalt laugh" would be the perfect addition. But in order to reflect on the sacredness of love, marriage, sex and relationships, we turn to those who solemnly take the good, the bad and the ugly sides of love, and make us see them in a whole new light: our favorite hilarious comedians.
From the timeless Steve Martin to the edgy Joan Rivers, these comedians tell us every important thing there is to know about relationships. And what better way to explain that rollercoaster ride with all-too-relevant funny quotes that will never get old?
These are the 10 relationship commandments you should absolutely follow, as spoken by those who make us LOL.
1. Thou shalt tread carefully around religious difference.
"Who cares? Different religions. I guess the only time it's an issue I suppose would be if you're having a baby. You have to figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which still wouldn't be an issue for us. Because, you know, we'd just be honest and say, 'Mommy is one of the chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic.'"
Sarah Silverman from Jesus Is Magic
2. Successful long-term cohabitation warrants a pat on thy back.
"Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."
3. Thou shalt learn that domesticity is not an aphrodisiac.
"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex — ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant."
4. Do unto thyself as thy would have others do unto thee.
"Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen from Annie Hall
5. "Knowing" thy partner carries consequences.
"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
6. Remember to compromise.
"Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in an argument. It's impossible! You will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing 'cause we have a need to make sense."
7. Thou shalt learn patience from dealing with in-laws.
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"
8. Thou shalt bite thy tongue even when thy partner is a halfwit.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."
9. Honor thy commitments, year after year.
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
10. Honor thy partner's strengths and accept thine own weaknesses.
"Men can read maps better than women, because only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles."