You found in your interviews that men like to pay for dinner on the fist date.
I did. Eighty-four percent of men said that want to and expect to pay for dinner. The tricky part is that they don't want women to expect it. So when the check comes, reach for your purse and make a gesture that you are wiling to pay. Most of the time they're going to tell you, "I got it." So just say, "Thank you very much. I really appreciate it." That's all they're looking for.
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Is there anything you want to add that you think people should know?
I really want women to understand that the ability to get information about how you're perceived on a date is so empowering. Some women say they'd rather not know because it would hurt their feelings, but the reality is that information is power. Even if you're the most beautiful, popular girl, you need to know why somebody got the wrong impression of you so that when the right guy comes along you're in control of the message.
So it sounds like ultimately you want women to have other people conduct exit interviews for them.
Yes. You have two choices: either hire a professional dating coach or find one person who can call a few of your former dates and get that information for you. My book has an entire chapter on how to train them to conduct exit interviews for you. I also have a list of professional resources on my website that lists 4 or 5 dating coaches I've trained.
One last thing. Why do men call women back?
The overriding reason I found is going to sound almost boring. When a man is marriage-minded he's look for a truly nice person. When I first heard that I thought "Oh, that's a bad, it's code for boring." But the truth is, the things that made men think "this woman is a quality person who has long-term potential" were things that were nice.
An example is the guy who met his date at Starbucks and she accidentally spilled a little sugar and instead of presuming that the Starbucks employee would clean it, she did it herself. It's a totally, totally small thing, but he remembered it. We make instant judgments, and men's most positive memories had to do with someone being nice, kind, thoughtful and emphatic. But you can't say that you're those things. He'll extract that information from your gestures or comments.
Want more? Learn from Rachel Greenwald in person on Wednesday, April 8 in New York. Click here for more info.
Even more? Take our quiz to find out if you fit one of the top five dating stereotypes.
Ever wondered why a guy didn't call you back? Rachel Greenwald has the answer. She spent ten years interviewing over 1,000 guys, and she lays it all out in her new book, Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They REALLY Thought About You After Your Date.
According to Greenwald, "there are more failed first dates today than ever before." With the popularity of online dating, singles have come to expect perfection. Because why wouldn't you, when you can land a new date with a few clicks of a mouse?
But when it comes to marriage-minded men, Greenwald's research reveals that there are clear, consistent reasons men don't call women back. It all comes down to stereotypes. Watch: Why Do Men Get Married?
"You can't make a meaningful decision about whether that person is right for you from a first or second date," says Greenwald. But in order to decide if someone has long-term potential, guys (and gals) use small cues to make big assumptions about their date's personality, lifestyle and character. "People are making decisions about whether a relationship could ultimately work based on very superficial data points."
Greenwald's book encourages women to be aware of the image they're projecting, and to make small adjustments to their behavior so that they can land a second or third date. "I don’t want to change you," says Greenwald. "I want to change the way you come across on the first date."
Greenwald has an MBA from Harvard business school, and published her first book, Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School), in 2003. She leads a successful matchmaking business, and used her own tactics to find her own husband, so she knows whereof she speaks. Visit her website here.
YourTango: What is a successful first date?
Rachel Greenwald: To me a successful first or second date is simply an invitation to go out again. You can't really get to know who the person is deep down until you spend more time with them, so the lack of a follow-up date invitation means that someone has quickly stereotyped you.
What's the most common reason guys don't call back?
The number one reason why men didn't call a woman back is what I call The Boss Lady. This is a stereotype of a women who is very accomplished and successful and frankly fabulous in so many ways, but the man walks away from the date thinking that he's more interested in hiring her than dating her. He thinks she's argumentative, competitive, not feminine, controlling and not nurturing. Read: Can Powerful Women Find Love?
This is NOT a reflection of whether he could be happy with a Boss Lady. He probably would be, because the traits that initially come across as bossy may later be deemed forthright or confident.
So, what do you do if you're a Boss Lady?
If a women identifies herself as a Boss Lady I don't suggest that she change her personality; I suggest that she show the softer side of herself first, before the stronger side emerges. A lot of that has to do with just changing how she speaks.
There's an example of a date in the book about a couple that goes to a dinner party and the man watches his date argue with another guest about global warming. She very aggressive and she's trying to win every point, and he thinks that she's very argumentative and competitive.
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The right way to change your delivery would be to make a softer. You could say, "It's great to see this issue get so much attention. I guess we'll see who's right in the long run." The delivery of these statements is a very superficial thing. You're actually saying the same thing, but you're delivering it in a more gracious and open minded way.