9 Things I Learned About Women From Editing Maxim
A former Maxim editor reveals the wisdom he gathered while working at the famed men's magazine.
5. Women don't believe men's wandering gaze is innocent.
Sure, you understand the argument that men are natural-born 'hunters,' with biological needs that require us to peruse the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. You just don't believe it. So when you're out to dinner with a guy and glance up from the menu to catch him watching the mini-skirted waitress wriggle a coffeepot off the top shelf, you don't get how innocent this really is, because there is no hardwired female equivalent. I think in this case guys should stop trying to explain dogs to cats, and simply work harder not to get caught. And if you do catch him, really? All this proves is that he's truly, deeply heterosexual, and unlikely to hit you with a nasty identity surprise three days before your wedding.
6. Women are vulnerable to the curveball.
Compliment a hot woman on being hot and a man will run smack into her defenses, no matter how creative he is (and we can get very creative; this is Prime Directive stuff). But compliment a smart woman on being hot, or a funny woman on being smart, and unless he is a total dorkasaurus about it the man will double his odds at least, as his target correctly recognizes him as unusually perceptive, sensitive, brilliant, etc. Just a minor weakness in your defensive shield, that's all… nothing to be concerned about.
With men it's different: We assume you're just telling us what you think we want to hear… and that's fine! If you tell a successful man he's sexy, for example, he doesn't believe it the way you mean it; he has no new illusions of aesthetic grandeur. He thinks you're saying that his whole package, whatever it is, is enough a turn-on to fire your engines, and that's all. And that is all we need to hear, really.
7. Women dress up for their girlfriends, not for us.
Consider: All women are crazy for nice shoes… yet no self-respecting straight guy has ever noticed anything below his date's knee. The conclusion is inevitable. When a girl unbuttons her top two shirt buttons, that's for me, but everything else is for the ladies. Women can be highly critical of one another ("Is it just me or has Lois gained weight?" "What's Janet thinking with that TMI skirt?") and so have to remain cosmetically vigilant at all times. So keep asking us how we like this sweater or these pants or whatever if it amuses you to watch us squirm, but please know you're not really getting a second opinion; you're getting your own opinion reflected back in what he thinks you want to hear. If it were up to us you would just be naked, all the time. Honestly, seriously.
8. For women, no date is over until they've shared it with their friends.
This is not trivial. Her girlfriends are sure to grill her in the morning—and their opinion matters. And a pleasant, unremarkable date does not a story make. The advice Maxim gave guys was: Make sure, at some point in the evening, to provide her with some heroic conversational hook she can breathlessly convey in the AM. ("He picked a fight with the maitre d' because he didn't hold the door open for me!!") Otherwise, she's left with "I mean, it was good, he was nice," and her friends will shrug, and she'll start rethinking your interestingness, and before you know it the whole thing will collapse like a soufflé baking on a firing range. So ladies, if you like a guy and the date is heading down a boring path through no fault of his, feel free to step in and throw a wrench in the works just to see what he'll do. If he duds out it's better to find out sooner, and if you DO end up together, your "first date" story is going to live forever… so it'll strengthen your memoirs to make it a good one.
9. Women don't want you to fix it; they want you to shut up and sympathize first.
Men suck at listening because we always try to skip ahead and solve your problem, like filling in the end of a stutterer's sentence. Why? Because we assume that's what you want. Sympathy is alien to us; no guy ever brings up a problem out loud (sign of weakness) unless he is asking for answers. So when you say, "This girl at work is such a bitch to me every day…" to us it has the urgency of "Honey, my car is broken down on I-35 and it's raining and this cellphone's about to die." So we jump up and throw the toolbox in the car; it's hard for us to absorb that all you want is, "You must feel so wet and frustrated! How's your hair holding out?"
Maybe we didn't learn everything there was to learn about women, and maybe I actually learned some of these gems from my long-suffering best friend and wife, Leslie. But we Maxim editors found that, for a bunch of lusty louts drooling over lingerie shoots, our readers sure did eagerly lap up all the relationship advice we could dish out. They truly wanted to be better lovers, better listeners, and better men. So my best advice for you in dealing with your own "reader" is to be completely straightforward about what you want and how you feel. Deep down all men want to know your secrets… and if you encounter any token resistance, just unbutton two more buttons and try again.
Check out Keith Blanchard's latest venture, The Daily Lowdown.
Discussion
I LOVED this article =^-^=
Maybe I'm a rarity among women, but I actually have read Maxim on a few occasions more than just to have stuff to complain about.
I found some of the articles on sexual positions to be rather new and fresh ideas, stuff that I later implemented in the bedroom with my at-the-time boyfriend. Given, the pretense of the article was very silly, and I probably could have gotten the same ideas from Cosmo...But Cosmo is so much more...boring? (I'm sorry, pictures of clothes and shoes I can never afford to own, and quite frankly don't give a s**t about, just don't spell out entertainment for me)
Anywhoo, this article was pretty helpful. I'm going through a break, or breakup (I don't know which...I'm so confused T.T)
Now I know why he literally can't understand me when I bring up something that bothers me (How many times have I found myself declaring "It's not about the crumbs on the counter and the dirty dishes, it's about the fact that you act like a child and have no sense of responsibility", well, in all honesty, I'm probably not that blunt...)
That being the tip of the fatty iceberg that is our relationship mess.
Anywhoo, awesome article. I loved it, and it made me giggle =^.^=
Maxim is a horrible mag. Of course any guy is going to say something like the guy above said. Because there men!!!!!!! There are pics of practically naked girls posing in provocative ways on the page. It's horrible. There is hardly any articles.
This entire thing hits the nail on the head for the most part...only the checking out other women thing doesnt sit well with me regardless. I say unless im lacking something you want then you should'nt look elsewhere. But the " Just say you're sorry all ready!" part fits perfect for me its like they cant just say hey im sorry i treated you that way. They have to justify why they did it what they were thinking at the time before they even say hey im sorry. Trying to make me see things from the guys ppoint of view is okay but not when it's trying to make it okay that you did something wrong. I do dress up for guys but its true that sometimes we dress up for our friends too. I also love my hair being played with but wont admit it in public lets find that out in private instead. AND guys really do always try to fix your problem instead of giving you a little sympathy but when something is going wrong for them they want your sympathy too I just think men and women need to trade places every once in a while (figuratively of coarse) tthink about how the other person is feeling. LOVE this article!
I agree with all of this. Everyone (especially women) should read the book "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D. It's absolutely brilliant and it explains WHY we are so different, and takes some of the mystery out of our own behaviour that befuddles us too! really good stuff.
Lyz: I like all the comments I've read of yours so far. I agree completely with not reading books that perpetuate stereotypes about gender. I'm not "befuddled" with my behaviour because I know that I am clear headed and take each person by what they show me and not what I expect. If more people did away with their expectations, then they'd see that just about ALL of the supposed differences are created by people and not biological in basis. I find people who live by stereotypes so boring, indeed. It's like trying to weed through a canned response to attempt to get to the essence of the person within.
Wait, motherhood and breastfeeding are positive aspects of being a woman?
How on earth is having to carry a baby for 9 months and then having to deal with a screaming, largely useless offspring afterwards for the next 18 years a positive?
Well, the good news is we live in the 21st century, so you really don't have to carry a baby for 9 months or raise children.
Breastfeeding can be enjoyable and very satisfying if it works out. It is hard work and takes a lot of your time, but I'm glad I had a chance to do it. Mothers sometimes dream about it after their children grow out of it.
Pregnancy varies a lot, but if you are in decent shape and things go well, it can be exciting and satisfying. I would not want to do it too many time in my life for physical reasons, but I'm actually glad it wasn't my husband's job. Childbirth I could have skipped, although I have a kind of macha pride about it.
Children are just something you like or you don't. If you like them, having them enriches your family and your life.
I am currently enjoying my newborn and I have to say not only is he NOT largely useless he is a bond in an already strong relationship, and my son...which makes him very useful to me...as are my two daughters. My son has brought a sense of completion to an already full and satisfying life and I am loving the fact that it is my hard work that provides his nourishment (take that future wife! lol).
Seriously though I love being a woman and having the opportunity to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding and both my guys have looked at me in awe and wished out loud that they could experience the same connection with their children. OMG could I have skipped childbirth as well! Still we survived and we don't need a Tshirt to prove it!
Well, before Maxim I had only worked at women's magazines after college, so the general m/f workplace inequality wasn't a reality for me...I was in one of industry's few female-dominated hotspots. Being aware of the technical details of inequality, as we of course were, isn't the same as putting two and two and two and two and two together; that synthesis was the point of the item.
Keith, very good reply about to the sarcastic "question" about inequality in the work place. I, too, am one these people who need empirical evidence to understand or accept a concept or situation. Just because someone says it's true doesn't mean it is true. I understand what you're saying in your reply.
i totally agree with #4, most of the time guys dont like to apologize and as women all we need is im sorry baby.
1. You can't photoshop women in real life
2. Never tell a girl she's fat even if she is because it might ruin your chances of getting her into bed
3. If you can't get her drunk, get yourself drunk
4. Learn to say, "yes, dear" to everything
ETC.....
This is what I was sure your rules would look like when I saw the headline. I was totally wrong and yes, I can admit it.
thank you very much. I married a wonderful communicator, and grew up with two sisters, so that was helpful in counteracting some of the testosterone saturation of that particular job.
