I Was A Groomzilla: Advice From The Trenches

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Watch out ladies, Groomzilla is on the rise. A survivor tells his side of wedding-planning insanity.

Why? What's changed? People who chart social trends (let's call them nerds) point to lots of reasons for the birth of Groomzilla. For instance:

  1. Couples are waiting longer and longer to get married. The average age for first-time grooms is now 27.5 years old (up from 22 years old in 1987 and 13.7 years old in 1607.)
  2. Over 70 percent of couples live together before tying that goofy knot.
  3. The average American wedding costs $26,000 and change.

Put those stats together and you've got an older, more sophisticated groom who can't escape from wedding fever even in his own home, and who wants to se where the hell all his money is going.

 

As a Groomzilla survivor, I feel it's my duty to share what I've learned with the brides of the world, so they can survive, too. Plus, I figure, with all the cash I'll make on a book about Groomzilla, I might actually be able to pay off my wedding (sure, laugh at my dreams.)

So that's what I intended to do. Because I believe in the cause. And the need is great: 2.3 million couples tie the knot every year in the U.S.A. You know what that means?

Hold up, I'm doing the math.

That means, every day of the year, 6,200 potential Groomzillas are out there, flashing bleached chompers, terrorizing wedding guests. It also means that, every day, 6,200 more brides are caught unprepared. Brides who don't have the benefit of this book, who look to the heavens and cry, "Why, God? Why"

I'm here to change all that.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "My fiancé doesn't care about weddings. He won't turn into Groomzilla." And that's when you're wrong. Here's the news:

* EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL GROOMZILLA! *

Let's get it out in the open: this is not a gay thing. The Groomzilla phenomenon has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It prays solely on a man's vanity, where he's weakest (the "vanity" is a tiny muscle located right next to the humility tendon, at the crown of a man's head, where his hair is most likely too thin). So, wedding planning, like finding your dress, or taking out a second mortgage

 
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