In a story that is sure to confuse Catholics the world over, the Daily Mail reports that Jesus is now living in sin with Madonna.
Further complicating the matter for those who know more about the Pope than pop culture is the fact that Jesus made the move to Madonna's pad directly from his mother's home.
"Isn't that redundant?" they are no doubt asking. (Indeed, non-Catholics are asking the same thing.)
Allow us to clarify.
Jesus is Jesus Luz, the dashing 22-year-old Brazilian model with whom Madonna, 50, has recently been keeping company. The two met three months ago while shooting a racy photo spread for W magazine, and faster than you can say, "sleeping your way to the top," Jesus was ditching his 21-year-old girlfriend Krishna (yes, that's really her name) and Madonna was taking him under her meaty arm.
And now, it seems, devotion has made way for cohabitation.
Of course, Jesus has had to alter his life a bit since moving into Madonna's house of worship. The biggest changes? No sugar. No dairy. No wheat. Lots of Kabbalah. And three kids who are significantly closer to his age than he is to Madonna's.
But fortunately for Jesus, life with mom…er, we mean Madge…isn't all brown rice, play dates, and red string bracelets. There's also plenty of money and fame to be garnered from the shared address. According to the Daily Mail, he has already "gone from earning £160 a job as an unknown model to charging up to £100,000 a booking."
Not bad, Jesus.
We can only hope that you continue to stay in Madonna's good graces and get all you can out of the offering plate.
That is, until she finds a younger disciple. Or decides that she's actually a Jehovah's Witness.
Photo: Splash News