The age old question
How can I get him to share the chores?!
Okay, so we are both highly educated intelligent people. When we got married we were all "yay, partnership of equals!!" But sometimes, like on cleaning day, my life feels like some really horrible sexist sitcom. When it's me whining at him to vacuum the floor and he is rolling his eyes like a teenager. And I am like, MY FOREBEARERS DIDN'T BURN THEIR BRAS SO WE COULD FIGHT OVER YOU VACUUMING! Those are the moments I whip out my "We are both adults" speech. Which makes things soooo much better.
After almost four years of marriage, things have gotten better, he empties the dishwasher, cleans the kitchen, folds clothes and helps me take out the trash (we split, I collect, he drags to the curb). But still when it comes to cleaning the bathrooms, vaccuuming or tidying up, its like a cold war standoff. If only my couch-sitting Castro would move his missles and vaccuum the floor!
I am really impressed by some of you men on this site, who claim to do a lot of the chores. So tell me. How do I get there? Or am I doomed to live a sexist stereotype, as long as we both shall live?
Discussion
I find it helps to have separate spheres of responsibility and then let each person do it. For example, DH does laundry and I shop. And you have to really let them do it their way and pay no attention.
It's silly, but I also felt better when I read that lesbian couples argue about this nonsense too. Human beings trying to live together and share chores are going to have to work things out some of the time. It helps to keep me from panicking that this is a huge issue and our relationship is wrecked and he's taking advantage of me - and if I better not let him get away with anything or stop arguing ever or I'll be letting down feminism.
As a guy who usually does the vast majority of the chores, I can say that it appears to me that having a clean and tidy home is not as important to him as it is to you. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he loves you but by the time you are ready to marry someone your personal hygeine habits are pretty much set. He can decide to change his 'cleanliness tolerance setting' but that usually takes a motivation factor. It's not fair that most women in a committed, monogamous relationship usualy work a day job and then go home to their 'second shift' which I find entirely too common and unacceptable. Get off your @sses guys and show her that you love her . . . do more chores. Its better if the work around the house is more equally divided (allowing for occassisonal illnesses or weird schedules) and you might find that there is better things to do than watch the tv at night waiting to fall asleep ;-D
Hate to say it, but this is one of those things that can go both ways. I've been with women who are slobs, and I've been with women that make me look like a slob. There really is no easy way or $19.99 training video for it. For the most part, it sounds like you have a working arrangement. Me and my SO have our quircks...I like certain things to be arranged a certain way and prefer to do my laundry so that it is done the way I like it, hung up, folded, and put where it belongs. She likes disorganizing my arranged things (because she loves me and we have our own way of teasing) and leaving her clothes crumpled up and stuffed in a drawer. But we both agree that we can't have dirty "public" spaces...bathroom, kitchen, living room, etc. So it works.
Oh gosh, I feel you! My hubby is a doll, but indoor chores are not his thing. So we have a little arrangement: I do things that are indoors and he does things that are outdoors. On all levels. If the trash has to go out, he does it. If the trash needs to be bagged in the house, I do it, just like you said.
We still try for the you cook, I clean mentality but if the cooking happens on the grill it's his domain (and believe me from April- November we eat from the grill A LOT)! Somehow the bathrooms and laundry end up on my plate a little more often than I like, but at least I'm not outside shoveling snow!
