Could More Porn Actually Make Us Healthier?
A woman who attended a porn trade show came away thinking we should watch more.
Maybe the answer to the eternal porn debate isn't getting rid of porn, but exposing ourselves to more of it. And not just porn, all things sexual. Toys, workshops, bodies. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago I spent a weekend at the Adult Video Network Adult Entertainment Expo and Awards Show. I was exposed to vibrators that look like rubber duckies and masturbation devices for men, girls in bikinis blowing up balloons until they popped and films made to titillate that showed only bare feet. I saw women wearing nothing but paint, dancers sliding up and down slick poles, film stars signing autographs while wearing little more than a smile.
As I flew to Vegas, I have to admit, I wondered how I would feel about it—me, a short, average looking 38-year-old in the middle of all this skin and glitter. Would I feel ugly? Grossed out? Uncomfortable? Sad? Angry? Truth be told, I felt it all at one point or another throughout the weekend. It's a lot to process. But more than anything, believe it or not, I felt sexy.
No, really.
The sexual tension, the conspiracy of like-minded people, the sense of naughtiness right there out in the open—it was all palpable. And despite the fact that some of the porn and other "exhibits" weren't my taste, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel empowered. Like, if all of this is OK, than what isn't ok?
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about bestiality or incest or any of the things that slippery slope theorists go on about. I'm talking about healthy, consensual, adult fantasies. Being among all these people and all their desires made lust seem, well, healthy. Imagine that.
Time and again I hear that being exposed to porn dulls people's connection to true sexuality, that it skews one's understanding of reality, that it turns honest men (and women) into creepy perverts. I don't buy it. Not after hanging out with and talking to the porn vendors and stars and fans and production people. I think just the opposite happened. Because it was all out in the open, there was no need for anyone to act out in an inappropriate way or feel somehow like a misfit.
Perhaps it's not the porn that's the problem but the way we treat it with such disdain.
There's no need to be a peeping tom if you can look all you want; no need to be too scared of doing it wrong if you can talk to experts; no need to worry you're a freak if you can see that other people are into the same kind of things as you. It seems to me that it's time to normalize sexuality. And if it seems counterintuitive to make sex normal with the rather abnormal sex found in porn, maybe that makes perfect sense.
We're not getting anywhere looking at sex and porn as we are now. So, maybe standing things on their head is just what we need to do. "Sex is not meant to be educational," porn star extraordinaire Nina Hartley said at a workshop called "Porn Sex vs. Real Sex." "It's meant to be entertainment." Instead, we look at it as the forbidden. And that always leads to the same results – guilt for wanting and an increased desire for whatever the forbidden item or act is.
Porn is wonderful. While visiting Amsterdam with my lover I took her to a porno show, Casa Rosso, we saw there how two black men penetrated a nice naked blonde girl. I made a comment about the beauty of the girl, that made my girlfriend very jealous. She told me that she would love to be in the place of the blonde to show me sometrhing that I already knew, her naked body was also capable to excite men. I loved the idea, so I provoked her saying that I didn`t believe she dared to do that. Do not challenge me, was her replied. As I saw her decided, when the show was over I offer the two men a payment for repeating the show, this time with my girlfriend. When they asked whether she wanted privacy, amazingly she said she wanted it in front of the audience I have to say that she has a very nice dark skinned body with a big pair of seins with dark always erected nipples. She had a lot of fun that night.
Our sex life changed for the better since then thanks to pornography.
My wife and I have a communal stash, though I am the main user and purchaser. She's not as interested in it but occasionally watches, either with me or alone. We both prefer porn with a story line and some character development: it's a lot easier to lust after characters with personalities than after bodies just screwing on screen.
I had a Porn stash on my Computer, and my Bf on his once and sadly only once have we watched together, we had or at least I had a great time. He however continually hides his extra-curricular activities from me, and takes offense if I go into his stash, or view his web histories, so I can get an idea of what he is into, since he will not openly tell me. Also, he used to stay up nights while I was asleep, he'd watch alone and take memory sticks to transfer my stash to his computer he got caught and lied saying he was cleaning up some of my files so my computer would run smoother. Nice try hun. I told him this bothered me at great lengths...but nothing changes, He likes it his way he does his thing I do mine. I however loathe routines, and non-communication, I do however love openess and progression spontenaity and fun. I don't know really what the next step is for us. I doubt he will go to counseling with me. We do care for each other very much just certain things aren't shared and it steals away from what should be intimate connection btw us. It may take drastic steps for things to improve or just end.
I think he should be able to have privacy if that's what he wants. For some reason he doesn't feel comfortable sharing his fantasies. Maybe he doesn't want to act them out. If you want him to open up to you, don't push him. Give him his privacy and let him tell you what he wants to about his porn.
Everyone is different as is every couple. The truth is nearly every male, up in the high 90th percentile, like porn. Many women are unaware or as in my case, come across it by accident. Finding it turned my world upside down and inside out, but it also made me confront deeper issues that had nothing to do with porn. Porn was a catalyst for an amazing inner journey that opened me up in all ways, including the world of porn.
I now enjoy porn alone and with my partner. It in no way negatively affects how we view or desire each other. If anything it makes us want each other more.
That's not to say that addiction which leads to neglect of a partner or aspects of daily living is not a very real thing, but as I said,everyone is different.
I have written extensively on my porn journey and inner exploration if you are interested.
tinque.blogspot.com
Bravo for raising the point that our sexual health is in part determined by our attitudes and willingness to be open to change. There's clearly a difference between a little porn and an addiction, so if it's right for you and yours, bring it on.
i'm all for porn and healthy sexual experimentation, but to claim that deviance and addiction go away as soon as a socially questionable thing becomes readily available is to forget the opium wars, and many other destructive historical events.
Bravo! Beautifully written. My husband and I have a his, hers, and ours stash of movies and toys. It has more to do with preference of type of porn than who's movies are who's. I completely agree with everything you have said. So glad you had this wonderful experience that was such a positive awakening!
My ex-husband and I got into a little fight after he found out I'd been secretly sneaking into his porn stash and watching the videos. It was as if I was invading his fantasies. But after he learned to share, it only made things between us steamier.
I think you are on to something. The less we make sex this taboo and titillating thing, the more it has power over us. I just think that we need to remember that in a truly free society with open and liberal attitudes we need to have the ability to be freed from sex too. To ignore it and have it be a matter of indifference to us. As much as we engage with it and its images.
