First there was the Snuggie (your standard bathrobe, only better because you wear it backwards!). Next there was the ShamWow (your standard chamois, only better because it ends in the word "Wow"!). And now, dear friends, there's the BlowGuard (your standard mouthguard, only better because you wear it when you're giving head!).
According to the official BlowGuard website, the "patent-pending adult novelty device" was invented by a dentist named Dr. Joe who just wanted to help one of his patients give better blowjobs. It seems that said patient suffered from shifting dentures when she went down on her boyfriend. Dr. Joe says on the website's page entitled "The Blowguard Story" that he created a soft, custom nightguard for her that would simultaneously keep her teeth in place and off her boyfriend's goods. She was delighted. Soon after, he began fully developing the BlowGuard for the masses.
More from YourTango: The Best Gift You Could Give Your Family This Holiday? Nothing.
Among the selling points of the BlowGuard (again, according to the website) are:
-Invented by a dentist.
-The ingenious design delights both lovers.
-Takes the "job" out of blowjobs.
There are, obviously, many things wrong with all of this, beginning with "The BlowGuard Story."
First, and perhaps most important, who has the time or ability to partake in lengthy conversations with the dentist when there are all those film negatives, suction hoses, etc. taking up every square millimeter of your mouth?
Second, even if you had the time and ability to talk at length with your dentist while being examined, would you really be discussing your experiences with blowjobs?
Third (and we admit that we don't fully know what lengths dentists are taught to go to these days in their bedside manner training), why would a dentist choose to create a blowjob-facilitating device for a patient?
Fourth, is it really fair to say that the BlowGuard "takes the 'job' out of blowjobs," when, in actuality, you still have to use your own mouth?
Finally (and this is probably where we're most confused), in what way does this serve to "delight both lovers"? Does the person with the mouthguard enjoys giving blowjobs even more because it ensures that there's even more junk in his or her mouth?
More from YourTango: Should You Believe In Soulmates?
We don't claim to know everything. But this invention strikes us as pretty unnecessary. Can't we just cover our teeth with our lips when we're going down? Or take out our dentures?
Until we have this figured out, we'll just be over here with our ShamWow, spilling liquids on the carpet, and testing to see if it's any different from a towel.