Sometimes you meet a guy out at the bar and that guy does/ says (you know how people are always doing and saying things, right?) all the right things and you still decide you'd be better off just taking down his phone number and hollering if you get free. Unless he's a real jerk or a crybaby, he pretends not to care but dude's ego has a contusion the size of a volleyball so he rationalizes the whole thing away as something wrong with you because he is not unattractive, uninteresting, unfunny or dumb. He is a catch, madam. So here are the top 10 reasons he thinks he crashed and burned (at the bar):
10) You really like him. "That must be it; she didn't want to rush things because she digs me. I'll just wait for her to call."
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9) You are menstruating. "She must have a clean up in aisle one. Who cares, right?"
8) You have zero sense of humor. "I was bringing my A material, brah, and her laughter was polite at best. What's wrong with her funny bone? Is this thing on?"
7) Your friend has dibs. "Please, please, no need to fight over me ladies, there is plenty to go around but I wouldn't want you to come between the two of you… unless you were really into it. That was brand new material, throw me a bone!"
6) You have a specific type. "I got tall, swarthy and handsome. She must be into pasty, dumpy and fugly."
5) You are stuck-up prude. "Yeah, she's probably into some weird cult church. Her dad probably picks out her boyfriends. Probably both."
4) You have poor vision/ mental handicaps. "Seriously? Is she blind and retarded? Have you seen and talked to me? God!"
3) You are a lesbian. "I like chicks too. They're purty, they're soft and they smell nice. What's not to like?"
2) You are a racist. "She doesn't like me because I'm [insert ethnicity]. I know she's also [insert same ethnicity] and that makes her an Uncle Tom."
1) You don't want to ruin all future sex. "To be honest, it was probably a good move on her part. If I wasn't into her she'd go the rest of her life without a freight train like this. I just drew up this new move, I was telling her about it and I could see the fear in her eyes."
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Any that I missed?
PS: This list is only about half kidding.