Does the site of roses make you wish you were a cutter? (Those thorns have to be good for something.) Do you wish cupid would aim his arrow directly at his brain? Do you wistfully wonder why chocolate isn't as poisonous to humans as it is to dogs? We get it: you hate Valentine's Day. But we don't hate you, dear cynic, so we've compiled a list that should warm your black, black heart.
Lemondrop recommends garlic-heavy recipes and, if you must send a gift, black silk roses delivered in a coffin-shaped case.
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Nerve advises you to schedule a double "why me?" session with your shrink, join a cult or watch Gossip Girl and use Chuck Bass's pickup lines.
DearSugar asks readers to list their Valentine's Day disasters. Here's one tale of woe:
People aren't buying flowers this year, due to the recession. Meaning all the flowers are dying before anyone can receive them. That should make you happy.
And finally, here are the five worst Valentine's Day gifts. Since you're not celebrating you don't have to worry about getting one.
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Now go drink some vinegar and bang your head against a wall, aggrieved friend. It'll make you feel better.