Doing It With A Drunk

Doing It With A Drunk

Doing It With A Drunk

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"Low risk drinkers" are at less risk for erectile dysfunction than teetotalers, so what?

According to some bit of research that congealed early this week and it appears that men who put down 4 drinks are "low risk drinkers" (or f*cking amateurs as I call them) are actually better off in the sack. Jezebel, ever vigilant of things that may affect smart, beautiful, smug women, goes on to say that teetotalers (or Flanderses) have a greater instance of erectile dysfunction than even abject boozeheads. Jazzy-belle goes on to caution that this booze equals boners revelation only applies to the long-term implications of drinking and that powering through a dozen well-placed Harvey Wallbangers could still lead to droopy dangler.

While it's probably for the better (pro bono, really) that superbly drunk guys aren't more potent than guys who are just drunks. Fine, God's done us all a solid by minimizing the consequences of the besotted's non-tendency to use a barrier method. Plus he'll likely have forgotten the whole sorry affair by the time he's awoken to discover someone's replaced his skull with a blivet. A regular old alch-y with a 7-beer buzz will remember his failure, then decide never to look you in the eye again and probably start writing some self-involved memoir about dealing with his father's convalescence and death ("WE'RE NOT DRINKING THE MERLOT!").

But what about drinking as a way to remove inhibitions? Everyone, to my knowledge, has been both a beneficiary and a victim of beer goggles. Sometimes you stoop and sometimes you soar, it's one of life's little symmetries. And being a little on the tilted side is a good way to try things that you would regularly be too timid to explore but are seriously curiously about (hey, in vino veritas). A person who always has a drink in his hand (as opposed to a fellow who takes his 28 weekly drinks in one sitting) is partially inoculated to this alcohol-as-inhibition-remover effect. So, the goal is to figure out what you want from your guy; vanilla, efficient intercourse with a twinge of underlying sadness or a wildcard who'll likely be willing to do things that there are not names for but could end up passing out as soon as his trousers hit the floor and could splay your bedspread with all manner of effluence (no one wants to get vomited on by a townie during the act, unless the Roman shower is your thing).

So the martini luncher may be a better choice for long-term sexual satisfaction, it can lead to a nasty little thing called codependency. While the periodic jag with an infrequent binge-drinker will lead to either the fulfillment of deep-seated desires OR hilarious stories involving the phrase "too little too late." Your choice, play the lotto or invest in a 401(k).

"But isn't binge drinking dangerous?" Yes, yes it is and irresponsible. But drinking to excess then making a few bad decisions is a cornerstone of western civilization (and more than a few great romances). I'm pretty sure that after he heard about the Boston Tea Party, Samuel Adams' response was, "Let me get this straight, you guys guzzled some mead, dressed as Indians, crept into Boston Harbor, smashed a bunch of tea crates and then went to an after-party? Classic. Was Washington there? He would have loved it. Hey, stop by if you get a minute I'm just whipping up some beer, I have a feeling that I'm going to get put in the backseat of history by Jefferson on some of these documents we're working through, gotta have some kind of legacy, right? Anyway, you are a wild man. Let me know if you guys are up for trenching Cornwalliss' yard later." Honestly, though, know your limit and flirt with that limit from time to time.

I hope to God Chelsea Handler finally realizes I exist after this post.

Any anecdotes good, bad or indifferent about hooking up with either a drunkard or a drunk person?