Do you know anyone who keeps their New Year’s resolutions? Or even remembers them after January 15? I sure don’t. Most of us vow to lose weight, quit drinking, or cut up those credit cards. But some of us make relationship-related resolutions, and that’s what we’re here to talk about. After the jump are four resolutions. One of the four is valid; the other three are less so. Let’s see if you can tell which is which.
1. I’m going to change him. You discovered he had bad breath on the first date, he stole your roommate’s identity on the third, gave you Chlamydia on your fifth, and yet you remain convinced he has “great potential.” So you buy him some breath mints, bail him out of jail, and keep your cupboard stocked with powerful antibiotics. Because you know that one day soon he’s going to turn over a new, non-gassy, non-thieving, non-infectious leaf, and you wanna be there to issue the I-told-you-so’s to your friends, family and acquaintances. This will be the year it happens.
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2. I’m going to make him love me. You almost believe yourself as you tell him you didn’t want a boyfriend anyway, as he burns rubber from your apartment the morning after. Almost, but not quite. Friends with benefits is one thing, but secretly you want this one to be something more. If only you were thinner/hotter/blonder, you know he’d fall for you. But until you lose enough weight, grow big enough breasts, and bleach the heck out of your hair, you’ll stand on the sidelines smiling as he hits on your friends and continue to take his 3 a.m. booty calls. Because someday soon, he will love you. He will!
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