As the end of the year is upon us, we make resolutions to lose weight, get out of debt and generally express heartfelt wishes in the form of hard and fast goals that are usually left in the dust by March. However, in the spirit of the season, here are some New Year’s resolutions we would like to make on behalf of our favorite celebrities:
Jennifer Aniston should resolve to stop dating other celebrities and date someone out in the real world. Jennifer, you seem like a really nice girl and you’re pretty down to earth, which is why you’re so attractive to the general public. How about dating someone unrelated to the business, like an accountant or an English teacher?
Britney Spears should resolve to have a vacation hookup. She has had a rough year and she deserves a nice guy who could make her laugh. We would like for her to find someone who enjoys cheese grits, can make her smile and won’t break her heart. Maybe a little vacation romance is exactly what she needs. Just make sure he doesn't work for the paparazzi, Brit Brit.
Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge should resolve to stop dating anyone that they might be attracted to since both of them tend to attract total douchebags. This goes doubly so for Heidi Montag who went so far as to have a (fake) wedding with her douchebag. All of you should get rid of these guys immediately and head to rehab to detox from these losers.
Spencer Pratt should resolve to go crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear. You give every aspiring bad guy out there material and the flesh-colored beard is just creepy.
Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz should resolve to repent for naming their first child Bronx Mowgli (one of the worst baby names of 2008) by either adopting and having another child and giving them a name that doesn’t saddle a child with a lifelong vanity project for his or her parents.
We believe Justin Long should stay with his goal of not dating any additional celebrities. We think this is a good resolution for him.
The cast of Gossip Girl should resolve to keep it in the family, namely to keep dating each other. Between Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick, Penn Badgley and Blake Lively and rumors of Taylor Momsen and Chace Crawford all dating or hooking up, they are the gift that keeps on giving, especially with a show full of some of our hottest celebrity bachelors. Just be sure to keep it outside the office, kids.