Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag. NAUGHTY. It's hard to blame poor Heidi for being taken for a ride by this svengali but she knows when she's done wrong and we do not care for fake marriages. But for everyone else's sake, we'll get them a little something. For Spencer, a Mach 3 razor with instructions on how to use it. For Heidi, a meeting with a representative from the Creative Artists Agency.
Lindsay Dee Lohan. NICE. I'm not sure about this Lindsay Lohan. I remember when she was playing rascally twins trying to reunite their long-separated parents by, inexplicably, changing places like it was yesterday. Then she grew up so fast. I hope that this Sapphic relationship she has with that adorable Samantha Ronson isn't just a cry for attention. Let's put one of the copies of Quarterlife Crisis and some Nicorette in her stocking.
Paris Whitney Hilton. NAUGHTY. While I have no proof of it, I think something fishy was going on behind young Benji Madden's back. Honesty is the best policy, Paris Hilton. Unfortunately, she may actually appreciate the appellation 'Naughty,' so let’s get her a dinner with Oprah and see if that helps her fly right. If we can't book Oprah, the second choice is the Dalai Lama.
Christopher Maurice Brown. NICE. Hopeless but nice. Young Chris Brown is a nice lad but his dating situation is very confusing. Either he's dating Rihanna and just not telling anyone or he's still trying to break through the insurmountable 'friends' zone (like old Easter Bunny with the Tooth Fairy). Let's get him one of those "Hang In There" kitty posters and Michael Jackson's original white glove.
Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz. NAUGHTY. Again, given the times we live in, we have no problem with people conceiving kids out-of-wedlock. As long as everyone is around to keep an eye on the kid and teach them to be nice, it's fine. But there are some things that should be kept private between a man and a woman. And Pete Wentz telling Howard Stern about his first encounter with Ashlee Simpson was not very gentlemanly. Let's get him a big box of rubber bands that he can snap on his wrist anytime he feels like speaking inappropriately.
Sean Avery. NAUGHTY. I had to find one of the younger elves to even tell me what 'sloppy seconds' meant. I was sort of appalled but did remember that thing went on quite a bit in the 1970s. I think losing his job is punishment enough. Let's get him enrolled in the Fashion Institute of Technology and set him up as the coach of a feminist semi-pro women's hockey team.