It's time for Santa's Naughty and Nice list of 2008 celebrities.
In all of my exposure to Sunday school (CCD, naturally) and passively hearing about the world's religions over the years, I've come to the realization that someone is keeping a karmic count of all of your good and bad deeds. And that person is Santa Claus. The bearded one's naughty and nice list has kept me on the straight and narrow (for the most part) for nigh 30 years. And I've always been curious what the bottom line of his notes look like. It just so happens that we intercepted a communiqué between Santa's home and the Elves' workshop this year regarding 2008's top celebrities. Check out who Saint Nick thinks was naught and nice in the '08 and what he plans on giving them.
My Dear Chief Elf Jacob,
I've been rushing to finish my naughty and nice list for tonight's delivery. I wish I had the power to see into people's hearts to determine if they're good or not but so far only God and The Shadow have displayed such powers. This should complete this year's preparations. Good work again this year, sorry that there will be no bonuses, this Madoff guy cleaned me out. I think you’re right that the Christmas card with Lucifer that says "Your future roommate" will get the point across better than a lump of coal. Remind me to send a letter of apology to Old Scratch for inferring that there is an association between the two.
Madonna Louise Ciccone Penn Ritchie. NAUGHTY. As I'm as confused by Kabbalah as the rest of the world seems to be, I'm not sure she falls under my jurisdiction. Please check with someone from Hanukkah Harry's office. If she is part of this year’s rout, please put her down for a lump of coal (note: she may turn said coal into a diamond between her powerful buttocks). While divorce is a product of the times, I cannot condone the lies covered up by subterfuge covered up by misdirection.
Guy Stuart Ritchie. NICE. While it takes two to make a divorce happen, Guy Ritchie has handled himself with aplomb and dignity during this fiasco. Let's hope that he finds someone nice in 2009. To help him, let's send him to USC film school and see if he can figure out how to make a different kind of successful movie. Maybe one with an empowering female role. Mrs. Claus also requests more shirtless Brad Pitt scenes. See what you can do.
Raffaello Follieri. NAUGHTY. I know he's not a celebrity but after I finished with poor Anne Hathaway's list (make sure she knows that the vegetarian cookbook was from me), I decided that this young man isn't all bad. We’ll have to help him figure out how to pay those people back and know that he doesn't have to show affection through gifts, so send him Stephen F. Covey’s The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He should have time on his hands to read them.
Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag. NAUGHTY. It's hard to blame poor Heidi for being taken for a ride by this svengali but she knows when she's done wrong and we do not care for fake marriages. But for everyone else's sake, we'll get them a little something. For Spencer, a Mach 3 razor with instructions on how to use it. For Heidi, a meeting with a representative from the Creative Artists Agency.
Lindsay Dee Lohan. NICE. I'm not sure about this Lindsay Lohan. I remember when she was playing rascally twins trying to reunite their long-separated parents by, inexplicably, changing places like it was yesterday. Then she grew up so fast. I hope that this Sapphic relationship she has with that adorable Samantha Ronson isn't just a cry for attention. Let's put one of the copies of Quarterlife Crisis and some Nicorette in her stocking.
Paris Whitney Hilton. NAUGHTY. While I have no proof of it, I think something fishy was going on behind young Benji Madden's back. Honesty is the best policy, Paris Hilton. Unfortunately, she may actually appreciate the appellation 'Naughty,' so let’s get her a dinner with Oprah and see if that helps her fly right. If we can't book Oprah, the second choice is the Dalai Lama.
Christopher Maurice Brown. NICE. Hopeless but nice. Young Chris Brown is a nice lad but his dating situation is very confusing. Either he's dating Rihanna and just not telling anyone or he's still trying to break through the insurmountable 'friends' zone (like old Easter Bunny with the Tooth Fairy). Let's get him one of those "Hang In There" kitty posters and Michael Jackson's original white glove.
Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz. NAUGHTY. Again, given the times we live in, we have no problem with people conceiving kids out-of-wedlock. As long as everyone is around to keep an eye on the kid and teach them to be nice, it's fine. But there are some things that should be kept private between a man and a woman. And Pete Wentz telling Howard Stern about his first encounter with Ashlee Simpson was not very gentlemanly. Let's get him a big box of rubber bands that he can snap on his wrist anytime he feels like speaking inappropriately.
Sean Avery. NAUGHTY. I had to find one of the younger elves to even tell me what 'sloppy seconds' meant. I was sort of appalled but did remember that thing went on quite a bit in the 1970s. I think losing his job is punishment enough. Let's get him enrolled in the Fashion Institute of Technology and set him up as the coach of a feminist semi-pro women's hockey team.
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles. NICE. While Beyoncé was incredibly nice this year, I'm at a loss for what to get her. Though I never appreciated her not coming clean about her relationship with Shawn Carter, I did understand her reasons. It seems like the only thing she's missing is a baby and an Oscar. So let's throw in a year's supply of pre-natal vitamins and copies of whatever scripts Paul Haggis and the Coen Brothers are working on.
That's it, Jacob. Prepare the gifts and Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.
*Note: To the other 2/3 of the planet, have a wonderful evening and a happy new year.