Santa’s Top 10 Celeb Gift List


Santa Claus
It's time for Santa's Naughty and Nice list of 2008 celebrities.

In all of my exposure to Sunday school (CCD, naturally) and passively hearing about the world's religions over the years, I've come to the realization that someone is keeping a karmic count of all of your good and bad deeds. And that person is Santa Claus. The bearded one's naughty and nice list has kept me on the straight and narrow (for the most part) for nigh 30 years. And I've always been curious what the bottom line of his notes look like. It just so happens that we intercepted a communiqué between Santa's home and the Elves' workshop this year regarding 2008's top celebrities. Check out who Saint Nick thinks was naught and nice in the '08 and what he plans on giving them.

My Dear Chief Elf Jacob,


I've been rushing to finish my naughty and nice list for tonight's delivery. I wish I had the power to see into people's hearts to determine if they're good or not but so far only God and The Shadow have displayed such powers. This should complete this year's preparations. Good work again this year, sorry that there will be no bonuses, this Madoff guy cleaned me out. I think you’re right that the Christmas card with Lucifer that says "Your future roommate" will get the point across better than a lump of coal. Remind me to send a letter of apology to Old Scratch for inferring that there is an association between the two.

Madonna Louise Ciccone Penn Ritchie. NAUGHTY. As I'm as confused by Kabbalah as the rest of the world seems to be, I'm not sure she falls under my jurisdiction. Please check with someone from Hanukkah Harry's office. If she is part of this year’s rout, please put her down for a lump of coal (note: she may turn said coal into a diamond between her powerful buttocks). While divorce is a product of the times, I cannot condone the lies covered up by subterfuge covered up by misdirection.

Guy Stuart Ritchie. NICE. While it takes two to make a divorce happen, Guy Ritchie has handled himself with aplomb and dignity during this fiasco. Let's hope that he finds someone nice in 2009. To help him, let's send him to USC film school and see if he can figure out how to make a different kind of successful movie. Maybe one with an empowering female role. Mrs. Claus also requests more shirtless Brad Pitt scenes. See what you can do.

Raffaello Follieri. NAUGHTY. I know he's not a celebrity but after I finished with poor Anne Hathaway's list (make sure she knows that the vegetarian cookbook was from me), I decided that this young man isn't all bad. We’ll have to help him figure out how to pay those people back and know that he doesn't have to show affection through gifts, so send him Stephen F. Covey’s The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He should have time on his hands to read them.

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