My Ex's Jewish Fetish

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My Ex's Jewish Fetish
One woman realizes her ex had a thing for Jews.

Hendrik's flaming Jewish fetish made me a bit more self conscious of my voluptuously Jewish facial features. One night, when Hendrik and I were enjoying our privacy outside an empty Café du Monde, he traced his finger along the curve of my nose as if it were a breast. I wanted to reroute his fingers to someplace—anyplace—sexier. Look! Down below! There's these fat, flowering 32D melons just above my ribcage, here, have a stroke! Hendrik couldn't hear my thoughts though, of course, and began to molest the bridge between my nostrils. I could practically hear him humming, "Ahhhh, Juuudaism."

Trying to be heard over street music jazz, Hendrik said to me, "Um Rachel… sweetheart… would you mind singing a little Hebrew prayer for me? Please? Like the 'Barak ata' one? It gets me off. I'm being serious." He laughed at this, appreciating his own sexual weirdness. I sighed and whispered "baruch atah adonei eloheinu meleh ha'olam" into his ear in my slinkiest phone sex operator voice. He fondled my nose again and I giggled.

I imagined Hendrik dreaming up various Jew girl-on-Nazi descendant storylines before he went to bed at night. Fantasy #1: The Jew girl, with her inky black eyes and teeth slanted shyly inwards (think Anne Frank) kisses goose-stepping boy atop Noah's ark. They are the only two humans left after the flood, the fate of humanity rests upon them to procreate (cue urgent music). Their limbs tangle about, her arms become legs, his legs become arms, they tangle about some more, the rhythm of the Mediterranean Sea eggs them on and then, suddenly—voila! The bible's first ever half Christian/half Jewish baby is conceived!

While my feelings toward Hendrik never grew into love, I, in utter anti-feminist fashion, wanted him to love me. But I wondered: could a guy nursing a fetish ever truly fall in love with his the girl of his fixation?

I doubt it. It seemed I could never be the object of Hendrik's cosmic, chemicals gone haywire love because I was the object of Hendrik's typecasting. Hendrik was casting for his real-life Noah's Ark Jewess and I was the one who best fit the bill.

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  • Worldwide, people have sex 139 times a year on average. The French? 167 times.