My Ex's Jewish Fetish

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My Ex's Jewish Fetish
One woman realizes her ex had a thing for Jews.

At the Metro Club in New Orleans, I was dancing with a law school student named Hendrik, who kept palming his way down the backside of my thighs. Without hesitation, he told me he had been waiting all night to dance with a Jewish girl, especially one as "full-bred" as myself. Oh God. Was it really that obvious? I wondered, reminding myself that if I would just stand 45 degrees to the left of guys, when speaking to them, that my nose would not seem nearly as obtrusive. "You know, it's so funny," Hendrik said, "My grandfather was a Nazi officer but my dad and I, we absolutely love the Jewish people. Especially the women. Huge fans."

It was weird of Hendrik to natter on about his Nazi-infested genes before scoring my digits. I liked his honesty though. I also liked how his shoulder muscles packed so nicely into his ski sweater and how his strong, steroidal voice would crunch all the way down to a creak whenever he tried to be romantic. "Did anyone ever tell you that your hair is the exact same color as your eyes?" Creak. Creak. Creak. He made me want to dig into his esophagus and slowly and tenderly caress his vocal chords. But I—fortunately—held myself back.

My first real date with Hendrik was a stroll through the New Orleans French Quarter. He spoke with terrific emotion about ex-lovers, probably to make me jealous, but I didn't like him enough to mind. There was Michelle Rosenthal with her nasal South Jersey whine, Mimi Moskowski who sported an unshaven hippie bus, and Avivah Katz who used to bob her tongue into Hendrik's earlobe in the back row of Temple Emanu El's Friday night services. "It was just her way of saying 'Shabbat Shalom,'" Hendrik insisted. The list continued on with clunky Jewish last name after clunky Jewish last name, lots of bergs and ovitskys, very few vowels. I could just picture him masturbating to a map of Israel every night.

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