Kick The Friends With Benefits Habit
No-strings-attached relationships: are they inevitably a bad idea?
The Frisky writer Simcha Whitehill recently tackled a common single woman's conundrum: is having a friend with benefits always a bad idea?
As liberated 21st-century women, why shouldn't we engage in the same no-strings-attached behavior men historically have enjoyed? For Whitehill, she learned early on that the only thing she and her "This American Life" host, Ira Glass-lookalike had in common was sex. Without a steady boyfriend, she thought she could pull off the flings and go about her business as usual. But, as is often the case, carefree turns to caring... and analyzing... and anxiety, and ultimately it becomes hard to identify all of the stress-free "benefits." Whitehill aptly describes what we'll call "the end of the affair" symptoms:
"Plenty of my thirty-something girlfriends were doing it to stay satisfied, so I figured I’d give the laid back, no-romantic-attachments approach to getting laid a whirl. A year later, faux-Ira and I still hang out and hump. After our most recent rendezvous last weekend, I began to wonder what I’m doing. What are the real benefits to friends with benefits? Sure, now I have an in-case-of-sexual-emergency-hit-Glass-lookalike. At the same time, I’ve started to realize my situation is causing me to question the meaning of friendship, challenging my chances at romances, and wobbling my emotional stability."
While the hormone oxytocin naturally produces feeling of attachment in women after sex, is our relative inability to carry on meaningless hookups a nature or nurture issue? Has society trained us to want commitment after a sexual encounter or is it merely our animal instincts kicking in?
Share your thoughts and find out what guys think about having a friend with benefits here.
Discussion
The "Friends with benefits" is imaginary. It is a way of people to convince themselves that they're in control of their lives but actually they are just doing what society has expected of them. This phenomenon has come about because most people live their lives by a puritanical standard of what a "real" relationship entails. They will marry someone who is "acceptable" but by what standard and who created that standard? My idea for a relationship? 1. My friend. 2. Sex with them..... I like to keep my life minimal with very few distractions so that works for me and it works for everyone. If you're thinking about spending the rest of your life or a significant amount of time with another human being then you're fooling yourself if you think that by marrying someone who checks the boxes on the list that you've picked up from others, ie; religion, authority, your parents, their friends, your peers, etc. is going to enrich your life long term.
Is the person really a friend if they are fulfilling two seriously important needs and you have no desire to want them?
It is another form of bondage people use to keep themselves "acceptable."
FWB is good yea of course there are pros and cons you will have to deal with but it doesn't matter having sex with somebody for pleasure and company is animal instincts because of attraction and mutual respect for each others life's knowing it cant get any further than wishing you could make it work just imagine thats all you can do keep the FWB its healthy and theuraputic
I have a FWB deal right now. But my problem is i am really irritated with infidelity and this guy has a gf. but i cannot help it. we are really great in bed and we are really good friends. i know everything about him and him about me, our parents like us. its great! man i can really say that if u just think of it as purely having fun, u wont be attached at all..=)
I am married and have a FWB who is also married. We have known each-other for many years but just recently reconnected. Being married and having a FWB is complicated but can also be great if you both have reasons for staying married but lack the physical intimacy with your spouse. Unfortunately, we never established rules and I am not sure how much communication outside of our "meetings" is appropriate. I am not in love with this man and have no intentions of getting serious with him but I still have feelings and am disappointed when I do not hear from him for awhile. If you are married, I advise that you avoid this kind of relationship and work on your marriage or get out.
I have a FWB now and it's great! We like and respect eachother, he's got a great body, and the physical chemistry is unbelievable. We started out dating and although he's great guy, we are not compatible as a couple in the long term and we both know it. This arrangement works for me right now because I am recently divorced, I'm not ready for a heavy emotional relationship but I love sex and don't want to go without it. I realize this won't last because at some point we will find relationships with other people, but for now - GREAT FUN!
i am doing it but it sucks!!! I was doing it because i thought that that was the best i could get with my hectic schedule but it doesn't work. eventually, you will want a real releationship. you no longer want to settle for no attachments and start craving for someone to pull out some string. i realize that i want a relationship and the NSA is a fantasy. everyone wants to be connected to someone. he may be saying its just not you but you will do for now or vice versa. either way we all deserve better.
It is not that FWB/Booty calls suck but now you are mentally and emotionally thinking of a different type of relationship. However, if you are still as busy as you say stick with FWB until your circumstances change:think thrice as you may find yourself in the "supposed to be" minefield. Having a we never see each other but we are in a "relationship" that is unsatisfying, emotionally, & sexually. Divorce is very expensive and an annulment is better.
My wife has had a FWB relationship with a neighbor after her 1st husband passed away. They ended the relationship after a year beacuse he found a woman he wanted to marry. No harm no foul according to my wife. I have not had this type of relationship (not for lack of wanting to but Ive never been single long enough since puberty). As the saying goes: "It's not that I haven't wanted to a FWB, it's that I've haven't had the opportunity".