Create A Post-Divorce Identity
After a divorce do you go back to your maiden name... or devise a new one?
Changing your name is something we associate with getting married—should you keep your maiden name or take his name? But there’s another LoveStage that deals with shifting monikers as well—getting divorced. If you took your husband’s name when you married, you may want to slough off his name after the breakup. But what do you change it to?
At Love Buzz’s Thanksgiving dinner yesterday we heard an interesting story from one of the guests, whom we’ll call S. S was divorced and after she’d separated from her husband she’d changed her name. But she didn’t go back to her maiden name, which she had never liked because it rhymed with her first name. Instead, she took an entirely new last name.
Before S took her new surname she went to church, and spoke about changing her appellation. To help S feel comfortable with her new title the church leader had the entire assembly, about 300 people, say S’s new name over and over. S loved it.
When S told her sister about the name change at first sis objected, saying the new designation made it seem like S was alone and didn’t have a family. But then her sibling came around by imagining the family tree and saying “Here’s everyone, and here’s my independent sister.”
What an interesting ritual, we thought! Going back to your old name might seem like stepping backwards. Devising a new name, one that you’ve created yourself, is like fashioning a completely new, post-divorce identity. It’s the ultimate way to start over.
Readers, do you know anyone who has changed their name after divorce? What did she decide to do?
Discussion
My dad abandoned us when I was 3, so did his family, so my maiden name has nothing to do with the culture I brought up with, and only reminds me of pain. What a great idea, to start "anew".
I'm going back to my birth name. That girl was certain of who she was, filled with courage, with sky-high self-worth. She was creative, energetic, a drama queen and certain that her needs were of primary importance in her world and her wants were pretty damn important. She's still alive and well; she's just been on sabbatical. It's time for her to come out of the shadows and take center stage again.
GOOD FOR YOU!! I was divorced just over 6 months ago and went back to my maiden name. I'm still working on finding that girl (woman) I was before, it's just taking me some time - but I DO have confidence that she's still in here somewhere and that she will emerge soon. Thanks for reminding me that she's still in there!!
Best of luck to you!!
When my sister divorced, she took my maternal grandfather's last name. Her reasoning was our grandfather was an honorable man and wanted to have his name. OK I understand that, however, that implies our father was not honorable? Hmmm.
