When A Woman Hits Her Husband
Do men and women express anger in relationships differently?
Unexpected Facebook message the other night: an old friend from middle school delivered a thumpin' to her husband and was arrested for assault and battery.
I don't know the circumstances at all—not that that really matters. It's domestic violence and it's wrong and it's not the way for a couple to solve a conflict.
But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am fascinated. I conceptualize a woman hitting a man differently from a man hitting a woman. There is a cultural stereotype against angry women: she's a bitch, or she's crazy. Women are not expected to lash out, to yell, to scream, to punch or to hit. It's more culturally permissible—if not in legal acceptance, at least in cultural exposure—for men to be violent. In fact, while trying to find an photo to illustrate this blog post, 95% of the images under the phrases "conflicting," "hitting" and "fighting" showing people depicted men.
Does our culture grant men all that leeway because of testosterone? I think back to my own relationships and one particularly angry boyfriend I had. He would hang up the phone on me, punch walls, and he once got so annoyed at me that he crunched my hand in his fist. To be honest, I was a little afraid of him and when calmly and patiently addressing his behavior verbally, I had no idea how to express my own anger at him without stooping to his level. (I was 21 at the time, so this may have been my age, as well.) We had a messy breakup and it's only now that I realize what a complete dick he was. I regret that I let him treat me that way and that I didn't fight back.
I don't believe women are less angry at all—I just think men are allowed to show their anger. We're expected to "be ladylike," keep it inside or be soothing peacemakers. That is, at least, how I've always been. And this internalization of anger has been really hazardous for me.
I'm not trying to make exuses for what my old friend did to her husband. But hearing her news struck a chord with me because I assumed, "Wow, she must have been really angry! Something must have really struck a nerve!" To my own sense of morality, what she did was wrong—but a lot of people, men and women, can understand where's she's coming from.
What do you think about the ways men and women express anger in relationships?
Discussion
Physical or emotional abuse is no more tolerable when it's the woman who is the abuser. I wrote an article that identifies some of the trends of emotionally abusive female partners: http://www.relationshipbreakup101.com/2009/07/clingy-girlfriend-or-wife-...
I had an abusive boyfriend when I was in high school. Back then, I was really shy and a good Catholic school girl. My bf, Kevin, was good-looking, fun, very social and seemingly adored me. He was my first serious boyfriend ever and I was only one in my class (I was a 15 yr old sophomore at the time, he was a junior) to have a serious bf. I was proud of that and knew that all the other girls were jealous, or so I thought. I thought he was romantic: I remember getting a dozen long stem roses for our 1 month anniversary, calling me every night, sending me love notes and such. I thought I had hit the jackpot. The first big indicator that something was wrong was when we were at my house, kissing on my couch. I remember I was rubbing his back and then slid my hand under his shirt. He went completely ballistic, yelling at me that I had undone his shirt. I was completely taken aback and after several minutes, he apologized, saying he had overreacted. That should have rung all kinds of bells... but it didn't.
We dated about 3 1/2 years, all throughout high school. The abuse started out as emotional and verbal. He would get mad at the drop of a hat and I was always at fault. If we were late going someplace due to traffic, it was my fault for dawdling, if dinner didn't taste right, it was my fault. I had the problem, I had the attitude. And he would get really mad and scary over things that were trivial. He got so mad once that he screamed at me b/c we didn't have salted butter in my house. He also started to cut friends out of my life, or perhaps I let him do it. Certainly I didn't stop him or say something when he told me that my friends were just jealous of us and that I didn't really need 'those types of people in my life'. He would get annoyed if I wasn't at his beck and call and to keep the peace, I abandoned my friends and family and spent all my time with him. Then came the sex issue... he told me he wanted sex from me for his 16th birthday. I didn't want to - I wasn't emotionally ready for that and totally lacked the maturity. But he pushed me by saying, if I don't get it from you, I'll find someone else who will. I didn't want to lose him. With all the blaming and name calling, my self-esteem was shot. I found out much later that that is how abusers operate. It a matter of power and control on their part. Take away a young girl's self-esteem and she's yours. And that's how it was. I gave in and hated myself for it. The years went by, more yelling, blaming, telling me, 'no you're not stupid, you're just slow.' I used to hear that phrase at least once a day! My parents had no idea what was really going on, although they did see him as controlling. I couldn't do anything without checking with him first, even if I was just going on a family outing. Whenever we went anywhere together, we HAD to hold hands, not matter how uncomfortable it felt. Once, I pulled my hand away and he grabbed my hand back so hard, squeezing the hell out of it. I had to stay thin for him, he actually made up my plate for dinner and yelled at me if I went to get more food. I had to stay pretty, be accommodating and polite - all to make him look good. If I ever questioned him or tried to fight back and stick up for myself, he'd get mad. Once he threw me outside in the snow in only my underwear to 'teach me a lesson' To this day, I have no idea what I did wrong. I did try to break up with him a few times. He'd break down in tears, begging me not to leave him and telling me how much he loved me. Once he threatened suicide and I actually had to breakdown my bathroom door to see him swallowing a handful of pills. I now know it was just another form of control but at the time, I didn't want him to kill himself. I couldn't do that to him. I had no one to talk to as I had alienated all my friends and family. He was the only thing I had.
The final straw came when we were arguing at his house about a friend of mine. He was calling her every name in the book and, after years of blame and put-downs, something inside me just snapped. I slapped him in the face, not hard, in fact I clearly remember that my shirt sleeve was covering most of my palm. He was surprised but then he grabbed me by my shoulders, threw me on his bed and began shaking me like a ragdoll, repeatedly bouncing my head off his mattress, all the while screaming, don't you ever touch me! I'll kill you! I was screaming for him to stop. His mother actually walked in while this was happening. I remember looking at her for help... SOMETHING. She looked, rolled her eyes and walked away. I couldn't believe it! He eventually got off of me while I cowered on the bed. As usual, it was MY fault that happened. I provoked it. It was then I decided that this was it. If I stayed any longer, I was putting myself in danger. It might not be today or tomorrow but I KNEW that if I put up with this, there would be no stopping what he would do in the future. I prayed for help and then a miracle happened. He was busted on school property for selling drugs. He now had a record. That gave me the courage to break it off. The day I received my acceptance to college, I broke up with him. He actually took it ok. He calmly asked if I still loved him; I said no. I went home and never heard from him again. I was lucky, very lucky. I'm still scarred by it, I have trust and sex issues. I'm not confident in making decisions and tend to be paranoid about people's motives. I know that I have some work to do on myself but I'm just glad I finally got away.
Anyone out there who's in a situation like this or like the ones mentioned here, get out while you can. You are better than this and he knows it. Take away his power by reclaiming your own...
What make him react like that ,simply was what you were unable to discover that he was drug addict, he want you anyway by trying to show sincere love sometimes, he was also insecured thinking that you might be trapped by another person that was why he was driving people from you, but the terrible was that, he had been consume by the power of satanic element that you later discover by school authority. DRUG
Always find truth of any man of whom he is and is he before you re huked again, i pray heaven will control you and give you direction.
Don't force yourself to please a man, but always be original, unique and realistic. I mean Be yourself. don't pretend of whom you re not. a man that love you will admit whom you are and accept you, but remember ; pulish the way you do things it shall be well with you. thanks
Wow thanks for sharing your story! I started a blog post over here
http://www.yourtango.com/200913769/i-want-hear-you
So I can hear more stories like this. Thanks again. You have a lot of courage.
jenbh, that wasn't long winded at all! I am sorry for all of you who posted here, I am sorry for your suffering. I too, know what is is like to be terribly abused. I am still in a relationship like that. The last incident, was him stuffing my mouth, nose, and ear with dirt from a pot with a plant, and finishing by rubbing it hard on my face until it was raw. I recently have tried to fight back, but it's no use, and dangerous, because it only makes him more angry. the reasons why I stay, why people stay, are very complex. in my case, I really have no other better option, since I have a disability and I am alone with no family to help me and my son in case we moved out. it's something I think about every day and night. usually though, men can do more damage to women, simply because they are physically stronger, and many women have been killed by abusive men. one blow is all it takes. I am well aware that my bf can break my small neck fast and easy. no matter how hard I try, I could never do such damage to him. he's 6.3ft, I am 5ft. the women who abuse men in such a horrible way are either fed up with something - like Charlize Theron's mother who shot her husband after many years of being abused by him, and was absolved from murder - or they are seriously mentally ill. it's not that women don't get angry, we do, but we usually internalize it for various reasons, biological and social. in western societies, men are less permissive of allowing women to verbalize and externalize their anger. it's not good to hold it in if you are constantly being hurt. but a relationship between a couple should never include physical abuse from either party, nor twords children, and when it is present, something is totally wrong, and urgent help is needed. I think if you are a man and being abused by your wife/gf/bf, you should speak to someone right away. I know it's hard, humilliating, maybe it feels shameful, but we women also feel the same. and women also need to speak to someone and get support asap, because they really are in greater danger, as are children who are abused. and for those who are fortunate enough to never have been in such a situation, please don't judge or tell us to just "dump him/her", but instead be a friend, be supportive, and encouraging, and try to understand that it is difficult sometimes to just "dump" that person. my heart goes out to anyone who is being hurt by the one they love. nothing can be more painful
i was brought up in a home where my mother was the boss! she used to beat my father terribly! also my brother and i. but, did not seem as bad as what my father got. my father told me he stayed because of us kid's. he never once struck her. he had been brought up a catholic. went to catholic school and was in the marine core. he was the nicest man i have ever met in my life. i am now 45 year's old and have nightmares about it. they are both deceased. it will affect me the rest of my life. it was terrible! he would say nothing either. i try very hard to forgive her and pray like crazy that i'll be able to. my father worked every day of his life and she had everything she wanted. he never even had missed one day of work when he retired from general motor's. i know she had to have been really sick but nothing was ever done about it. abuse is a terrible thing! mental or physical which my poor father got both of. man or woman. just plain wrong.
Ok, let’s get real. In today’s society if you are the man you don’t even need to hit the woman and you go to jail. But if the woman hits you no one can believe it. I lived for 13 years in a marriage where my wife was physically and mentally abusive. I was afraid to tell people about how she treated me and the kids. I was a sergeant in the Army, a leader, a man. If I was to talk about my wife abusing me or even threaten her that I would tell she would call my chain of command (Boss) and tell him I was abusing her and automatically I was wrong. The final straw was when she beat my son several times for spilling cereal. He was left on the floor bloodied and black and blue. I took him to the Post Chaplin and he told me to go home and try to talk to her and work it out. When I left his office I had a call from my Captain that my wife called and told him I kidnapped my son and beat her. I was again arrested until they spoke to my son and found out the truth. It still took me a year to get custody of him from the state of Missouri. There is a lot more to tell of this story, but this country needs to realize that women and man are both capable of abusing and being abused.
My oldest daughter's father used to physicaly abuse me. For example; for calling him a name because he stayed out all night he choked me & slammed my head against the wall, for not making a Thanksgiving Turkey right he again choked me(I was also pregnant at the time), for telling him I was "leaving" he kicked me down our front porch step's etc.etc.etc. Maybe it was because I was young and dumb & thought I loved him I never called the police on him. Even with all the emotional and physical abuse I suffered from a man I believe when it comes to punishment, man or woman, we should all get the same "sentence". So sorry that was long winded!
When my wife and I have had a heated argument in the past stuf has gotten broken but not each other. The one or two times she has hit me, the blows were substantial (I remember seeing stars one) and I believe she was both angry and trying to provoke me. She knew full well that if I stuck her I'd be the one in jail. I have never thought about laying a hand on her because of the way I was raised (thanks, dad) and it shows lack of self control and lack of respect for your SO. We even has a discussion about how wrong it is previous to the incidents so she believes is wrong and not just an impulsive act. It has been quite a while since the last time she hit me and it wont happen again because I will leave her if it does. And not just for the weekend.
Men are not "allowed to show their anger", that is utterly preposterous. If a man so much as looks at a woman the wrong way then he gets punished to the fullest extent of the law, and even if you as a man did no violent thing, your actions are still suspect and so are you. Women have a much easier time with getting away with domestic violence; please name one, just one, place for battered men to go to. In the entire world. They are few and far in between and the only relief you can find is having to go to a women's shelter. This violent view of "tough" men only works against them, as it is a shame to actually go to a place where you can be cared for after being battered
SEXY0021 I THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BLOG . YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM
http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2002/04/02/spousal_abuse/index.ht...
I read a story on Salon about this. It is really interesting.
I think violence is not okay whether it is perpetuated by men or women and I don't think this is a negative stereotype for men, men are statistically more violent then women and we don't need to encourage women to be more violent, we need to encourage men to be less violent.
Obviously it was wrong, that's why they arrested me. Just because I did it doesn't mean I think it's the thing to do. In fact, that's what helped me step back and really evaluate the situation. I honestly don't even know what I'm capable of anymore. Scary.
While I agree, I find it really difficult to accept man-battering as domestic violence. I certainly don't picture male victims when I hear "domestic violence" - it's almost as if it feels funny coming across the tongue. Guess its just another gendered stereotype that needs a fixin'.