The Big Question About Non-Monogamy
Jenny Block gives advice about how to manage jealousy in an open relationship.
What about jealousy? It's the question everyone asks. I thought I would focus on two emails I received on the subject, one from someone who is not married and one from someone who is; both people are dealing with the issue that always seems to come up whenever polyamory is discussed: jealousy.
Question: I am a bisexual woman and am in an open relationship. We have three major rules: no secrets, if we hook up with other people, we do it together, and no kissing other partners. We've had both good and bad experiences with both couples and singles. The thing is, although I know my boyfriend loves me, I still sometimes get jealous when he is with another woman. He actually sounds different when he is with someone else and that scares me. I don't want to compete with other women and I want us both to be happy. How can I work towards not feeling jealousy any longer?
Answer: Well, that is an excellent question and one of the hardest. Now, I am not a counselor, so I can only tell you about my own experience. But what you are asking about is the inner struggle that we all have about nearly everything we do in life—work, friendly competition, family. Everything. We all want to be good at what we do, preferably the best, and we also all want to be recognized for being good at what we do. This is all about battling your own demons. You have to trust that he loves you and trust that he wants to be with you—otherwise he wouldn't be with you. It may sound cliché, but it's true that if you're going to love others, you have to first love yourself. So, maybe that's the best place to start. Once you trust yourself, you'll be able to trust him too. When he's with other women, it's different, not better. You are the one he loves and wants to be committed to. So in his eyes, you don't have to worry. You are the best.
Question: I am in an open marriage. I think it's true that opening a marriage is not a way to fix a marriage. But our marriage is not broken. I want to do this. Still, I get jealous and worry he might leave me. He tells me again and again that this is only about sex and he has no intention of leaving. So, how can I get that green-eyed monster to take a hike?
Answer: Thanks for writing. I think it might be helpful for you to join some online communities and check out some polyamory focused websites so you can see how other couples are managing this. You can search polyamory at tribe.net or yahoo groups or livejournal.com to find some, and www.practicalpolyamory.com is a great resource for those in open relationships. You might even want to check out polyinthemedia.blogspot.com to see how the press is tackling the subject.
Discussion
I've been exploring a triad relationship for the last 4 months and its been pretty amazing. I get to share and care with two partners, which is such a gift. I've never been in this type of relationship before but I promised myself to keep an open mind; as that fuels my creativity and peace of mind at the end of the day.
We communicate constantly and enjoy one another's personalities, pursuits and desires. I'm working throuh the jealousies that do pop up. I communicate this in a gentle way, just because I'm wired that way and I'd have to say, from what I've read, its truly wonderful to have the support to express feelings, insecurities and doubts.
It's truly refreshing to find a place to express this, as I'm sure my fellow explorers of love and life feel, it's wonderful to find a common ground.
What I can attest to, is that its wise to take time and think about where this moments of jealousy pop up. For me, its cultural, my upbringing and expectations on myself - I do expect a lot of myself. But the thing I do remember is to be gentle on myself and respect how I feel...because at the end of the day, its who I am. I just feel I need to express those feelings...it's my coming out in away on a public forum.
Thanks for letting me share and truly freeing!
I don't think there's one person you 'should' be 'in love' with. "Should" and "love" possible don't go in the same sentence. Love is an expression of being and granting another being - allowing yourself to be, allowing the other person to be. How that looks in life, is different for everyone.
I can't stand feeling jealous, so maybe that I why I have developed this outlook. To me, compassion trumps all.
I'm a single guy getting involved with a married couple. We have history together, I had dated my friend a half a decade ago. It all started with her getting a hold of me via e-mail a couple of months ago. She just asked me to go out to dinner with her, and I had this sagging feeling in my stomach that she wanted to cheat on her husband. Over dinner conversation, she revealed to me that she was a very horny woman and I was the only man to be able to fulfill her sexual desires. I was dumbfounded. Was my feeling right? So I laughed it off and got back to the 'normal' dinner conversation. Throughout the evening she kept bringing up the fact that I should take her home with me. ( I guess I should give a little background. We dated briefly for 6 months. She, to me, was the perfect woman that I had ever dated. She brought out the best in me, emotionally and romantically. She ended up cheating on me, and at that time I was devastated. I had already picked out her engagement ring, I had everything set. But again, such is life.) I told her flat out that I wasn't going to do it, she did it to me and I wasn't about to do it to some other schlub. Once she heard my opposition, she told me her husband not only knew about it, he wanted it. I was floored. I never thought of myself as a conservative person, but this was out of my league. I quickly told her that I needed some time to think.
About a week later we met up for dinner again. We talked, her husband had phoned me to tell me that he was ok with it. And I set an amazing amount of ground rules. It amazed me to see how many rules I came up with, but if I was going to go through with this, it would be (at least somewhat) on my terms. I wanted to make sure that I didn't get hurt.
Last week we kissed for the first time, and she cried. Now in my mind it was because she was 'cheating' on her husband. It's just my conservative mind working against me. She told me that it was because she hadn't been kissed that way in more than a couple of years, and I was an amazing kisser. I'm still not sure about that second part, but whatever blows your skirt up.
The eventual plans for this thrist, is for her husband to watch, and eventually join. I still don't know how I feel about this, but I'm just taking it one step at a time and trying not to get hurt. I never thought of myself as a swinger, I have been asked plenty of times by ex's to get into a threesome and I've always turned it down. I always told them that I just wanted them. But seeing it from the other side of the coin is oddly different. I'm the third. We still hold feelings for each other, but on a completly different way then how she loves her husband. It'll be interesting to see how this all works out.
I can totally relate to this. I am in a similar situation, and it is the most amazing thing. I love both people dearly in this situation, but neither of us guys have bi-sex. It is for about about this woman. I too am in your same situation, and was scared green at first I could get the bad end of something like a fist, etc. One time is all it took with the three of us together and I found my total sexual fantasy and more. There is no need for any more exploring for me. To be with a woman and to pleasure her in s many way is just incredible. We have been alone too and he likes to peek in form time to time, or she has asked him to join in right in the middle of things. What I wasn't prepared for only happened recently, like in the last three years, as our relationship has gone decades now. I arrived late and she could not wait, or didn't want to wait, but there she was all hot and bothered, but there she was and she had just finished with her hubby, he had always been second. What an incredible night! She was so hot and still wanted me, it was such a turn on. So soft and silken she was with just being filled I could not last long. Hope it is a start of another decade yet to be.
oh my coment, if only my ex would let me into his bedroom without his wife, he would know how it feels to be loved!
An open marriage is an understanding and acceptance of yours and your spouses dreams and fantasies, and the desire to fulfill and share in the pleasure of said desires and fantasies. An understanding that your spouse is the one you are ~in love~ with and they are ~in love~ with you. You can love, have sex with, share interest, and befriend others; but your spouse should be the only one you are in love with.
With that said. It amazes me how many couples constrict themselves once they get married. All on the basis of , their single minded opinion or what others deem as "what marriage is and isn't". What is allowed and not allowed, right and wrong, what should be. A person can get jealous of time spent with the kids, friends, coworkers, football season etc. To me jealousy is insecurity in self, lack of understand in others, boredom, resentment, lack of communication, or mistrust.
I am not saying I have never been jealous, but I can say that I am of conscious mind to acknowledge it. We can't help how we feel, but we can help what we do about it or how we react to it. Your spouse should be the one that you can communicate twith and the one you listen to. If you have an honest relationship, and are not constrained by outside or self imposed unrealistic opinions or thought process, then the opinion or feelings of self and your spouse is the only thing that really matters as a couple.
Also, taking a romantic shower ~together~ after a session with someone else, in your own private environment. Scrubbing one another. messaging, cleansing, brushing your teeth, kissing, and/or making love is one of the most bonding, cleansing, and healing activities that a couple should do.
As for question number one, maybe that woman isn't meant to be in an open relationship. if jealousy keeps coming up, I think she's probably not cut out for it. So rather than trying to work out inner demons, just get a regular boyf, no?
