OK, so sometimes masturbating is cheating. It's only cheating, though, if it gets in the way of real relationship stuff, probably. If a dude, the Palmer girls, and sweet18.com are involved in a thrice-daily ménage that precludes actual intercourse/outercourse, then he's basically cheating. But rubbing one out after a stressful day at the office, during a dry spell, or to fill a hot minute of solitude is not out-of-line.
What, then, is the word with the vibrator or the far more man-frightening dildo? Yeah, two consenting adults can certainly plug or massage any orifice they choose to with whatever sex toys they see fit. But what happens when that nuclear-powered, polyvinyl-coated pocket rocket pushes sex to the backseat? Is date night with the silver bullet (not drinking Coors Light, that would be gross) sort of cheating?
While we'll probably never know what's up with David Duchovny's addictions or predilections (though someone should have guessed from his involvement with Red Shoe Diaries and Californication), his situation has really effed some things up for dudes. Guys won't ever get the benefit of the doubt again when someone walks in on them using the computer and hears them say, "oh my God, this isn't what it looks like," even if they're just blogging about Star Wars (not the sci-fi story but the Strategic Defense Initiative). Meanwhile, my friend Emma just updated her Facebook with plans to beat it to Gillian Anderson tonight. That sounds about right.
Because we love things that are hilarious, check out the video for "David Duchovny Why Won't You Love Me?" from Bree Sharp (not his wang). Sorry about the video quality, pick up your game YouTubers.