Related Video: True Love: Caring For My Sick Husband

In your book, you talk about the sweet things Scott says from time to time. Is that the same old Scott or the Scott after the accident?
He's the same person. I'm the same person. We've just moved into a different place in our lives with different capacities. When Scott sees me his face still lights up with happiness and he says "Oh, look who it is! It's my beautiful wife." After the accident he reverted to his former self, always asking me out to lunch because he couldn't stand to see me cook since I made him into somewhat of a feminist. But now when he asks, I can say "Sure, later," and he won't remember when later comes along.

When did you realize Scott wasn't going to fully recover?
After the first year, I realized I had to change our lives from trying to heal Scott to trying to make both of our lives as satisfying as possible. For me that had to include my writing; my work is not over. I still have a lot of books waiting to be written.

At some point you say there is an equal chance that something like Scott's accident could happen to anyone in a long-term relationship.
When you marry or commit yourself forever you think about how you are when you make the commitment. If your relationship continues into old age, one of you is going to be healthier than the other. One of you is going to wind up taking care of or surviving the other. And when that happens you must adapt, and hope adaptation won't feel like a sacrifice, just a new way of living. When the time comes, it's helpful if you have the kind of commitment and love that Scott and I had.

You say you don't think it's a sacrifice, but you are sacrificing what you like and would rather do. Would you say on the ultimate level, it is a sacrifice?
I can't use the word sacrifice, since I don’t think I'm giving up anything of myself. I know he would do it if the situation were reversed. Scott is completely dependant on me, which means that I'm dependant on him, because if he needs me I can't be elsewhere. It’s a mutual dependency. Caring for somebody disabled is an interference with the life you might have if you weren’t a caregiver, and sometimes if feels like a burden, but that's not a sacrifice.

What did you learn from writing your story?
There is nothing so wonderful as a really deep long term commitment. I've been married three times. I've had many, many affairs. I've embraced the sexual revolution and the feminist revolution. But permanent deep love is one of the best things there is. My book is a story about embracing what is, not what could be not what was, not what might be, but what is. Anything else is kind of a waste of time. Regret is a waste. Feeling sorry for yourself is an interruption of a nicely flowing life. So the big lesson I learned is that it is possible to embrace what is.

For more from Alix Kates Shulman, check out Tango's video interview: True Love, Caring for My Sick Husband.

Click here to purchase Shulman's book, To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed.