The Pros And Cons of Marrying Young
What happens when growing up means growing out of your marriage?
Sometimes, changes bubble up when the husband starts saying "You are not the girl I married." He sulks about that or sneaks around having an affair. This happened to Sharon, a marriage counselor of all things, who met Jake at 15, married him at 21, and saw the marriage disintegrate 27 years later. Her husband had known her as an insecure girl. Once she became a woman—a respected therapist, worldwide speaker and well-known community volunteer—the relationship balance shifted, and tipping that scale changed things. Experts say situations like this arise partially because people don't understand personal growth through the stages of adult development.
How do you know if you have really outgrown the relationship or if these feelings are just a passing phase? Don't panic or think divorce just yet, Dr. Wish advises. Seek counseling, or have a conversation with yourself, says Dr. Wish. Ask and answer the following questions: Do I respect and like him? Does his behavior show me that he is a team player who brings competence, caring, respect and complementary aspects that balance mine? And do we share common values, lifestyles, interests, maturity, passion and commitment to the relationship? "Write down all the reasons you love and chose him in the beginning, and ask yourself if these reasons are still active and important," she explains. Honest answers might reinforce or redirect the path you think you've chosen.
Optimism does remain for some. Research shows that even long-term happy marriages experience rough patches. For couples who met young, the good news is they already established a strong foundation of mutual respect and a loving environment, Dr. Wish emphasizes. For Jessica Small, who met her husband, Craig, freshman year in college, things are still going strong twenty years later. "I'm a very different person than when we first met; I'm not as needy, dependent or insecure," she says. She doesn't think Craig has changed as much. "The upside to meeting young is that you grow together, become better together and as individuals. Our relationship today is very different than the one we had twenty years ago." And for Jessica, that works.
For others, it simply doesn't work. If you are one of those women in a relationship that you are certain you've outgrown, give yourself a break. Stop blaming yourself. You were young! Know you will thrive on your own and find love again. Be confident you asked yourself the right questions before moving forward. The answers may have surprised, saddened or stimulated you to action, but you are older and wiser now. And you owe it to the 19-year-old girl you were to live a loving life.
Discussion
My husband and I married as soon as I graduated from college--I was 22 and he was 24. We dated all through college, and are now happily married 26 years later. We definitely changed and matured together over the years. The good news is that we are 48 and 50 now and we have a child who has graduated from college and another child who is a freshman in college. Hopefully, we have many years left to enjoy our lives as a couple.
Absolutely.
It's great when people can meet at any age and grow and change together. I've seen it done. I had no idea who I was, and did not listen to intuition, when I married. I am happy I married; we have two amazing daughters. After divorce, I started personal growth and feel I know enough about me and what I want to have what I call the "same page" talk when I meet new people.
