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Indeed, it's not hard to see how people who were spanked as children (or physically abused in at any point in life) may cringe at spanking during sex. For lots of us, hitting is scary, angry and unpredictable.

That's why trusting your partner is crucial. Roche has been spanking women since he was 17 and he's seen more than a few "emotional moments" over the years from women for whom spanking exhumed powerful memories. Therefore, trust goes both ways. "You need to know she's going to let you know if something is not right," he says. One idea? Establish a word or phrase, something other than "stop" or "no" (which people sometimes say when they mean just the opposite), that signifies all spanking must cease immediately. "Let's do something else," or, "I'm done with this," are both good suggestions.

Toying with power dynamics can be as alluring as it is discomforting. When it comes to spanking and gender-roles, baggage about power can enter the bedroom on an express train. Although love taps are certainly not exclusively man-on-woman behavior, anecdotally, guys spanking gals is one of the more common manifestations. Some dudes relish lady-swatting, which makes them feel powerful or manly. Roche, for instance, says he loves the "power aspect." But other dudes are justifiably freaked out by such a request. Men are, after all, taught never to hit women.

"Men are nervous about this, too!" Says Katherine. "Inflicting pain on a woman, even erotic pain, is a little daunting!" She thinks many a man is OK with the act of spanking his lady but he may not be OK with the part of himself that likes it—he might be wondering if there's something angry, violent or wrong with him.

If you sense your guy is worried, keep spanking lighthearted: play up the sexiest, most playful parts of a spanking, suggests Katherine, such as the butt being "an erogenous zone prominently displayed," and the fact spanking entails "a lot of squirming and panting!" You or your partner can even role play or dress up in costumes (bad maid, bad student, bad what-have-you).

It's possible that your guy may be the one who wants to be spanked. In fact, it's a hat Bussel has worn many a time before, even with "cocky" guys who are the "opposite of what you might think" when you imagine a submissive man. But what's so hot about spanking a guy? She probably isn't physically overpowering him, says Bussel, so he is making himself vulnerable to her. Since some guys see wanting to be spanked as emasculating, she adds, this means a guy is being especially trusting.

Spanking can be great fun to introduce into the bedroom. Through lots of communication, individual couples need to figure out all the details of the delivery themselves. Safety is paramount, of course, but timing is everything. If done wrong, says Fulbright, spanking "is the kind of move that can totally kill the moment!" But once you've got your partner where you want them, have fun! There's no one right way to spank someone and if it hurts too much—or too little—to be pleasurable, you've got to speak up!

*Name has been changed to protect identity.