Once you've figured out your fantasy, how do you ask to be spanked—or to give a spanking? Try renting Secretary, the 2002 movie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader, and watching it with your sweetie, suggests Bussel. If indie films aren't your bag, she suggests you find a YouTube video or a web site which contains spanking, showing it to your partner and asking what they think about trying it.

Whether you're the spanker or the spankee, Bussel says to approach the "hey, can we try this" discussion forthrightly but without pressure. Since the subject can be off-putting, approach the act as something you and your partner just trying, she says, not something you want to do every night (even if you do).

As for how to perform the spanking, there are lots of ways to do it! First, pick a position that feels comfortable for you. For beginners, Roche suggests lying across someone's lap on a bed so that the spankee's head is supported. The receiver can also bend over a chair or stand against a wall if that's more enticing. You can use hands or spank with an implement like a wooden paddle. Sex shops have lots of fun instruments—if your paddle's covered in fur it becomes a "joke-y, funny prop" and will inject humor into the bedroom, says Bussel.

"It's not exactly painful, depending on how it's done," says Roche. "But if you go too hard, too fast, too far, you can cause a lot of pain. You just want to start soft and explore!" The fleshy part of the rear end, of course, is a great place to start—the backs of the thighs can be more painful and love-tapping the genital area is an "advanced" move not to be done by beginners, Roche warns. Other areas that you should not hit under any circumstances include the backs of the knees, the tailbone and the spine. "Use common sense," he says—or just stick to what Roche calls the "sweet spot," the sensitive area where the butt and upper thigh meet.

In between blows, the spanker can caress the spanked area, fondle the genitals or gently tug the spankee's hair—if that's what the spankee would like. "Afterwards, you should talk about it to see if you read [your partner's] body properly," he says. Find out if those whimpers of pain were in ecstasy or in regret.

But like lots of choices on the sexual buffet, spanking is not embraced by everyone. The butt can be off-limits for a lot of adults, Fulbright warns. While some people find it exciting to have that area touched, others grapple with the psychological element of letting someone access a "taboo" area, even if your partner isn't touching anywhere near your anus.

Katherine knows this taboo all too well: although her interest in sexual spanking dates back to her childhood, it wasn't until age 37 that she incorporated spanking into her sex life in a way that felt healthy. Her biggest hurdle? Katherine had a physically abusive relationship as a young adult and the first time a sexual partner hit her butt was out of anger, she says. For years, Katherine wrestled with an internal conflict about asking a man to spank her in the context of sex.