Can Powerful Women Find Love?
Driven, successful, and... always single: Do guys really find power sexy?
In Ross Douthat's book Privilege: Harvard and the Education of the Ruling Class, the reporter looks at his four years at Harvard (where he claims to have learned relatively little) and writes that Harvard women found their affiliation with the Ivy League school to be a big problem in the dating sphere. He writes that his female classmates referred to telling a guy that they attended Harvard as "dropping the H-bomb," which could blow the romantic pursuit at hand to smithereens. On an episode of Sex and the City, Harvard Law-educated Miranda Hobbes pretends to be a flight attendant because she senses that her lawyer gig is making men run.
Last July, Hilary Duff told the London newspaper the Guardian, "The women I know are more successful than the men. It's hard for me to meet someone. I don't need someone who, like, has as much as me, but I don't want someone who has much less because then you never really feel taken care of. And it would always make a guy feel not like a man."
But in "real life," some don't see this as such a huge problem. Perhaps today's guys—the twentysomethings who were raised alongside the girls who were taught that it was cool to be smart—will be more open to ambitious young women. Says Allie, a young aspiring actress from New York, "I sense that some guys want to be with women who are less successful than them and that some guys might feel less masculine if their significant other was the breadwinner. But if a guy were to admit that, I think most people would see that as really out of style." Allie, who says she's been an overachiever her entire life, has never had problems finding guys who appreciate her drive: "The guys I've dated, I think, have tended to admire my ambition and in some cases have sort of fed off it and become more ambitious and successful because of being around me."
Amber Madison, author of Hooking Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality, who tours the country lecturing at colleges about sex, is very familiar with being a successful woman on the dating scene. She feels that, for the most part, the panic over successful women having trouble finding a mate is inflated, and that the successful gals will find a guy. "As a successful woman, there might be a lot of guys who are insecure who don't want to date you because of your success. But you don't want to date them anyway. The guys who are going to be turned on by your success are the ones who you want to date, and they are out there."
"At first I think guys might be intimidated when they first meet me, but within five minutes they realize, 'Oh, she's funny and she falls all the time and she's always spilling things. She's not threatening, she's Amber!'," says Madison.
Allie agrees: "Women should present their success and their accomplishments as something that's really sexy and makes them sexy, and I think that guys will sort of pick up on that and see women's accomplishments and success and such as something that's appealing, too."
Discussion
I'm a successful professional and it is hard getting dates. As soon as the guy finds out I'm a professional, they get intimidated and don't ever get up the courage to ask me out -- they linger, follow me around, stare, and if anything it annoys me to no end. I've asked a few guys out under those circumstances and none have worked out as they appear to be confused about what role they must play. I want a man, someone who doesn't see me as their mother or caretaker. I want to be taken care of but since I make more money, am more assertive, more established, etc., they don't know how to "care" for me without offending me. I guess it's the assumption that I must be a hard core feminist to have accomplished all that I have. It's emotionally exhausting. I'm taking a break from dating for awhile.
At the risk of being called everyname under the sun I'm going to be a little sexist also.
Women have been living off of men for a long long time. It was normal for a man to support a woman who had nothing. A man would put a roof over her head buy her anything she needed, provided her with all the comforts of the time. I know this is a generalization I don't care, but it was the times. Now days it's different women want everthing and most of the time still want a man to pay for it while she still make a good living. As one ex-gf tryed to tell me "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too" I bet you can tell why she's an ex??? But, my point is that women today still on a sub-consious level still want men to be the bread winner. All the while making and keeping their own money too. I think the problem is that women of power don't want to give up any of their power when they are the bread winner. In order to truly find love you have to be willing to give all your power away to find it. I'm not going to tell the whole answer the rest you have to figure out on your own or it will never be worth having.
If you are a successful women looking for that guy you have to find someone who doesn't have as much of an ego as you why because someone has to be content with themselfs. If both partners have ego's boost in their work you won't have time for a relationship. Guys will have to switch their roles in a relationship like a guy who can take care of the house cook, clean, etc ( play both roles) is the guy a breadwinning women your suppose to be looking for some of you will find it some of you wont most of you will scare guys away some of you will make guys feel uncomfortable or for the rest of your life you will be in meaning less relationships paying for sex and company unless you can drop that ego thing and settle for less or if not you be having some young stud physically making you feel good but when you start to get emotionally attached he wont be able to do that because he doesn't really want you just your money and sex thats all what if you want that family who will be the one what if you want to get married ask yourself these things who do want to introduce to your family somebody who rally doesn't know you that aint been around as much
"Women should present their success and their accomplishments as something that's really sexy and makes them sexy, and I think that guys will sort of pick up on that and see women's accomplishments and success and such as something that's appealing, too." ................there's nothing sexier than the above. i've found my self being turned on by even a not so glamourous bank vice president ,who i never would have otherwise. pour it all on, just be smart enough and you should be, to let him be the man in the bed room and when or where ever else to show you the romantic love you're drawing up from his soul from his love and admoration for your success as a person, as a woman. that doesn't mean to let him DOMINATE you unless that's what you want but be smart enough to let him think ,think hell, if it's a real relationship know you're his woman and your intelligence, success and power that drew him to you has no bearing on your love for him or his for you. it's strictly one on one. (and there's no pun intended). for a woman like that i'd gladly have her breakfast or coffee made, shower her with love, tell her how get she is before i go to office to run my heating and air conditioning business. i'm not so dumb , I managed to be in the top 20% of my class have an IQ of 120 just smart enough to let her enjoy her success while I get turned on by it . would that be the best of both worlds or what,wink.
A woman needs to find love and sex without compromising herself for a man who may not even be worth it. There are a lot of great men out there who need an ambitious woman who may be a little intimidating, the problem is a lot of alpha females may find them too soft.
Gee Lolita,
Isn't this just a little sexist? "without compromising herself for a man who may not even be worth it" Men can always say the same about women.
Okay, so I'm going to play devil's advocate here, not because I'm against the idea...I'm still waiting on my SO to pull through on her promise to be the breadwinner so that I can stay home with the kids (and maybe pretend to be a writer). So far, this article, and nearly all the comments, are centered on just us guys having problems with wanting to be with a successful woman. While this is an issue that I truly believe to be dying out, I can see two glaring points that make it a bit more difficult on the guys...and its brought about by the dated beliefs of some of you women. Once again, not saying this is wrong, but think about it after I finish my spiel. In the article, Hillary Duff doesn't need the guy to have more than her but
"I don't want someone who has much less because then you never really feel taken care of. And it would always make a guy feel not like a man."
Newdoc17 is of a similar mindset. For her, an equally ambitious partner is a must. Now I don't knock these ideals. We want someone that fits the bill of goods that we know works for us. Keep in mind though, as Andrew has pointed out, not all success is measured financially or academically. Ladies, there are a lot of you out there that want the top corporate position and the top corporate pay...and still want a man that is the breadwinner to pay for dinners and the house and the lovely shiny things. Yes, that is a very generalized statement but its true. Fellas, you choke when it comes to dating the succesful woman that makes your paycheck look like you're a frie cook at McDonald's, because you know that you will be measured to some extent by how much you make.
If we are really going to go for gender equality then there needs to be some understanding on both sides of the fence. I'm no college grad, but I've dated ivy league grads. Guys, they are just as human as the rest of us...they just like to use $10 words every now and then. Ladies, the guy working that entry level job and moving into his late 20's most likely isn't a loser because he earns less than you. He actually may have an amazing history of performing all over the world and is now ready to move on with the next step in his life. If you are expecting us guys to do away with our percieved gender roles then we'll need you to bend on yours as well.
i want to share to you guys something that in my part is a big deal ..
i am 17 year old turning 18 in august..
in this recent days. i am very madly in love to a man who married already. But he said to me he is already divorced with his ex-wife.. i don't know the real fact,, but i only know and i am very aware that i am terribly in love to him .. i just want to ask from you guys if this what i feel know is totally disgusting? i am not asking you too much i just want to have or to receive a good advise from you . i am totally stranger in myself now. and i can't also blame myself for feeling like this .. I WILL FIGHT FOR HIM.. HE CHANGE ME IN MANY WAYS ..
THANKS ! MORE POWER.
my E-MAIL ADDRESS is dhadhie_angel0822@yahoo.com
please send me some good advice on what should i do and don't's
Yes, things are changing. I am hopfeful one day it will change to where men are no longer fear or troubled if their women are equally or more successful, any more than if they are equally or more beautiful. If he loves her and her him, why shy away or break away over that? Yeah, there might be problems in schedules, egos, etc., but then their ladies being more beautiful might bring insecurity, ego ups and downs, and/or other potential tensions. So just like the latter, two mature people could work on the problems in the former and make it work, just like anything else in a relationship. Stay away or break away out of fearing and being troubled does not appear that mature to me...and that's probably what it is, women being successful and powerful is something relatively new and some men still don't know how to handle it, or face it. But they will grow up, hopefully.
So ladies, don't hide your talents. Press on. But don't forget to, and allow (encourage) your men to, work on this issue in a "business manner" (I mean, tackling the problems with joint force and a determination to win in mind, with affetions of course).
i agree with newdoc. speaking as a twentysomething, times have already changed in my mind, granted the southern town in texas i was raised in thinks quite differently. first off "success". i want to be an artist... i dated a girl who wanted to be a lawyer, i'm not sure how i could possibly measure these two things, so why try!! at the end of the day we were neither an actor & lawyer, but two people, who really enjoyed kissing... i may never have large scale monetary success, but the person i end up with better not be completely focused on that either! doing what you love is healthy and good but trying to buy the world is something i am not interested in...
balance is the key as Bernadette pointed out. i think you can balance your relationship by brining what you are able to bring: whether this be money, compassion, art, dinner, funny jokes... Intelligence helps greatly i feel. two well read people from different socioeconomic statuses can make peace through reasonable thought.. knowlege is freedom
Men just need to realize that they are better off with a woman who "wants" them as opposed to "needs" them.
I mean come on - wouldn't you rather be 50/50 with someone and be able to have more in the relationship rather then less? I say this, but little boys are still raised to grow up and be successful so they can get married and take care of their wives.
My last boyfriend is dating a teacher, he loves that she has dinner on the table for him when he comes home. Oh well! :) I am still looking for the right man!
Bernadette
www.theultimateintroduction.com
As a powerful woman, and a physician, I've found that quality men who are successful themselves, and have good self-esteem (the only ones I would be interested in), are completely turned on by a powerful woman.
Nothing more of a turn-on, apparently, for a man, than to see his naked woman roll over in bed and rattle off complicated medical orders over the phone at 2 am. Seems to give them a real rush! Its like a juiced up version of the nurse fantasy, I guess!
