Sharing A Bed With My Ex
Breaking up without breaking a lease keeps two ex-lovers in one apartment.
>
I'd let myself forget why we'd broken up in the first place. After the landlord's news, I remembered that I'd broken up with Nathan and did so in a way that passed the point of no return. As much as I loved Nathan, I knew one thing for certain: We had grown apart. Our living together had revealed discrepancies we constantly struggled with. For instance, the state of the apartment—he was clean and I was messy. We also had very different, deep-rooted ideas about life. An early illness imbued him with a live-for-the-day attitude. Meanwhile, I was always thinking and preparing for the future. I had asked Nathan once what he saw when he imagined himself 20 years out. "I see myself healthy, happy, and still having fun," he'd said without missing a beat. That pretty much answered any questions I had about a future with him.
With the brownstone on the market, our apartment searches began in earnest. By mid-June, we had both signed leases on our own new homes, mine a studio back in Manhattan and his in Brooklyn. When I think of that time, it elicits a near-Pavlovian response—a distinct buzz no doubt generated from stress.
Surviving the six months had its upside, though. The rough road not only paved a path back to friendship for me and Nathan but also cemented in my mind the reasons why leaving was the right thing to do. Nathan and I did talk about possibly staying together, but when it came to making an actual decision, neither of us were willing to go out on a limb. "This is what you wanted, wasn't it?" he'd say. I had no answer. Which only underscored the big gamble ahead of me.
While rummaging through the silverware set Nathan's mom gave us shortly after we moved in together, the stakes announced itself. The only thing in the cutlery drawer that belonged to me was a pair of mahogany chopsticks, an impulse purchase from an upscale boutique in Boston. I didn't even have a fork to eat with.
Pilar wrote For Love or Money about her decision to break up with Nathan despite being financially and emotionally secure in the relationship.
Discussion
Wow, I'm on board there mclv. You guys need to chill. This is a past event that I imagine has had TREMENDOUS benefits to both of them. There isn't just one type of love, one way to love someone. They took their chance at a relationship and discovered that they have a really loving friendship. It happens. I give these two huge kudos for what they did. Circumstance dictated that they stay living together, and eventually they chose to work through the issues. Yes, they rediscovered why they fell for each other in the first place, but they also cemented the reasons they couldn't stay together. That is real love, not some sappy, selfish,, silver screen love that denies reality. There is still love there, but it has evolved into something else. If they chose to try again, despite knowing why they won't ultimately work together, then it becomes selfish and self-sabotaging. Sometimes, when you really love someone, you understand that no matter what you do or what you try, things may not always work out. Love just isn't always enough. When you truly do love that person, when it isn't selfish and you understand that eventually one of your needs won't be met, and not just base needs but something really important like your dreams, you understand that holding on is just selfish and will only cause pain down the road. You understand that those wants will only hold the other person back, or yourself, from what you realy want despite your best intentions. Your only choice is to let them go because you love them...really love them.
Only once so far have I been with someone that I said to myself in all honesty, in a simple but all powerful knowing akin to knowing that fire burns, that I could marry her and be completely happy. I was there, and I know she wanted to be there, but she wasn't there yet. Her dreams of what she wanted to become, and her past issues that she was finally ready to address, were in the way of what I wanted. I had to let her go when she asked me to, and by letting her go I cut nearly all ties with her, which pained me like you wouldn't believe. I did it because I know that she is a serial monogamist. She hadn't spent more than a month single since she became sexually active. Now she was ready to begin her relationship with herself. There were nights that we almost did go back home together, that I could have had that bittersweet moment...but I knew it would unravel everything she was trying to do. We are still good friends. She is now in Australia, living her dream. Yes, she is with someone else, someone who is great for her. And, in all honesty (and why would I lie to you all, none of you know me personally) I am truly happy for her. I know that I could have kept her here, kept her from the life that she dreamed of having. That isn't how I choose to love someone. I choose for my love to help someone be free to do all that they dream...not be bound by my desires.
Why are people so judgmental? As if this is what she is doing right now? It was something that happened, she cannot change, and maybe she learned from it. as for "Do you know how many men end up overweight, miserable and boring beyond repair? Sounds like a perfectly good answer to me." The point was possibly that he didn't see her in his future. He only had an image of himself 20 years down the road. Of course it's not a good answer if you're thinking about marrying someone. Or even just maintaining a relationship with someone.
I don't think i (or most people) ever could have done this. If you really love someone, but know you shouldn't be together, living together isn't going to help you move on. And what would have happened if one of you met "the one" during that time? Maybe you did and missed out because you were too busy being "best friends" with your ex.
