True Tales of Sex After Kids

By YourTango

True Tales of Sex After Kids
Sex after kids explored in a Q&A with author Kimberly Ford.

One of the things—and it's a big topic right now—is the notion of hair removal. There's a funny chapter about that. Actually the same thing happened with pornography. I used to have very strong stances about natural bodies, and that pornography was terrible and awful. I realized then at some point that my feminist prerogative was such that I could make a decision, and that if watching pornography was arousing for me then there were certain situations where that was okay. And the same thing with the hair removal. My younger sister had gone and gotten her first Brazilian waxing, and she said, "You really need to do this." At that point I had little kids and I'm like, "Look, I don't really believe in all of that and I don't really care about the whole bikini line and whatnot." And she said, "It's really not about the bikini line, it's much more about sensation."

So would you say that your sex life has improved?

Absolutely. I think that when you have young kids, I certainly wouldn't expect any sort of improvement. In fact, I think there is a pretty serious dip for most people in terms of satisfaction. But again, if you've figured out ways to be more creative, and you've figured out ways to have sex with very young children in the house it means that you're pretty motivated and you're pretty creative about your sexual activities. So I think, in the long run, it does, in fact, mean that you have better sex.

One other thing that we laugh about: I have a good friend, she has four kids and—this was before the 101-day people and the 365-day people —[she and her husband] were trying to have sex everyday for a while. And she said that she was thinking of it just like exercise. You know, that it never ever sounds like a good idea to go for a jog, but once you've started it's not that bad, and then once you're into it, it's actually sort of pleasant, and then when you're done, you're always glad you did it. So if you take that exact analogy, and you apply it to sex—I mean, it's not easy to exercise when you have young children either, but it is important. Once you can get yourself going, once you're over the hump, then you're good!

Tell me more about the erotic dancing sessions that you organized.

My sister who is quite a bit younger than I am had this woman come in San Francisco and facilitate an erotic dance class when she was doing a bridesmaids' weekend away. And I realized that in fact these young girls, you know, these nubile lovelies who were, like, 23 did not need the erotic dance as much as we moms did. So, it was shocking, here in sleepy Menlo Park, we had six dance classes. Some women, it was not their cup of tea. But it was shocking, actually, how much people loved it. My good friend, actually, installed two poles in her living room and so we did a pole-dance class at her house one evening.

The interesting thing was it wasn't really about the husbands. And believe me, nobody was arguing about babysitting that night, and there were lots of jokes about how all these dads were going to be waiting up for the moms who were arriving home. But it was so empowering because for a lot of these women to rediscover themselves in a group like that—and you know, how many people have done a striptease at all, or even lap dancing or any of the rest of it? Not to mention fun and silly.

People ask how much of that got brought back into the bedroom. I actually don't think much of it got brought back in verbatim, but I do think it gave confidence. If you felt like you could give a decent lap dance or walk like a stripper walks down a runway or whatever, then it does give you confidence. That translates well—not exactly the dance moves themselves, but the confidence.