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What Do You Do When Your Friends Hate Your Man?

When the friends don't get along with the boyfriend, things rarely resolve neatly.

Says Jennifer Kelton, author of the relationship book Don't Use My Sweater Like a Towel and the CEO of BadOnlineDates.com, women's occasional blindness to a guy's toxic bachelor status could be chemistry. "Why people are attracted to someone... is kind of deep on a physiological level. Often times, when women are sticking with these boyfriends, [their] chemistry is bonding with someone, not [their] heads. The woman could almost be like, 'This is the most fabulous man ever!' when he's cheating on her. There are all kinds of levels of why people stay with those who aren't right for them, and one major one is that people get chemically attached."

Leah Rotella, who hails from Long Island, has been having problems with her best friend's boyfriend for a while, although her friend hasn't noticed. "Girls can be oblivious to how their romantic relationships negatively impact other aspects of their lives, or others period, because they're of the mentality, Well if everything's going so well, of course there's nothing's wrong..." Leah has tried talking to her friend about the situation, but her friend hasn't been receptive.

Tara Joyce's best friend had a boyfriend who drilled in her friend's head that she should diet (despite already being thin) and that she should get regular Brazilian waxes (even though she really didn't want to). His influence became too much for Tara, and she felt she needed to start saying something. "You just try to drill it in her head that you think she should have a greater sense of self-worth and not be with this guy. Boyfriends are supposed to make you feel like the best person in the world, not the worst person." Tara told her friend repeatedly that she should ditch the guy but the friend stayed with the guy anyway. "My friend would casually mention something rude that her boyfriend said or did, and I would become so mad at him that I almost felt inclined to leave our lunches early. He was influencing the friendship when he wasn't even there."

However, Jennifer Kelton has a pointed take on such a situation: If friends tell someone that they think her guy is bad news and she stays with him, she loses the right to vent about him at lunch or during girls' night out. "If you know that your friends don't like him, then you're wasting their time talking about him. You should say nothing, because you're just a big whiner at this point," Kelton says. What's Your Boyfriend Or Husband Criteria?

Says Kate, a twentysomething living in upstate New York, "If a girl's boyfriend has done something that makes her friends angry at him, he probably did something really stupid... but I think that there is a way to make it up and the boyfriend can somehow restore his impression with her friends." Kate channels the Sex and the City movie to back up her argument. "I think that Charlotte knows that Carrie really loves Big and Charlotte wants to see them happy together. She does curse the day Big was born... but that's only because he hurt her best friend and at that moment in time she wanted him gone." But Kate also says, "Charlotte is so marriage crazed that she wouldn't care if Carrie was marrying a bum from the subway."

Can you relate?

Discussion

MillyKo Single
Can Relate - Posted 1 day ago

My friend/roommate might consider me a toxic friend but I'd rather think of myself as looking out for her best interests. I live with my best friend, and when her boyfriend moved in, things got way out of control. She had no time for me or girls night out and the living room/office attached to her bedroom was suddenly off-limits thanks to their "quiet time" together. But I put up with it because I love my friend, and I kept putting up with it until her then-fiance started trying to climb into bed with me while she was at work. I flipped out, told my friend and he was kicked out. And now he's back, they're "working on things" (it looks like the same relationship to me, minus the creepy attention so far) and if I say one word about him, I'm a heinous bitch and he's the victim.

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