Wife Wants A Threesome
Dan and Carrie give non-monogamy advice: How do you have threesomes if your spouse is unattractive?
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I think it's also obvious that she really hurt her husband the last time they did this, and even though he may want to do it again, he also wants more control over the situation this time. And, at least subconsciously, he wants to stick it to his wife a little bit by getting a stripper for their threesome.
Karen's trying to cover her ass by saying the stripper idea isn't "smart," and that strippers aren't "clean." The truth, of course, is there are plenty of clean strippers out there. (The husband isn't even asking to get a prostitute, after all, which would be a lot more risky). I think Karen knows full well why she's afraid to get a stripper: She's afraid her husband will find the stripper more attractive than her. And I think the husband knows this, too. He's probably using this as a way to get back at her for hurting him the first time around.
Dan: I think what it comes down to is this: Karen is probably a very sweet, very kind-hearted woman. But she's also human, and she has sexual needs like everyone else. For her, these obviously include having sex with her best friend. And yet her husband's insecurity about his weight is the only real reason this is a problem. But because Karen doesn't want to risk offending her husband by having a real, honest conversation about his weight, or about their sexual boundaries, or for that matter anything else, she's turned to me.
And I know what she wants me to tell her. She wants me to say that her husband knew what he was getting himself into when they got married, and now he's being unreasonable and unfair, and she should do whatever the hell she wants. But you know what? That's simply not the case. I mean, she married this guy! And if there's anything that's almost guaranteed to destroy the foundation of a long-term relationship, it's lack of communication. And that's something that appears to have been going on in this relationship for quite some time.
Carrie: I think both Karen and her husband are asking for a lot of trouble in their relationship if they don't talk honestly with each other before doing this. The husband needs a forum to explain how he felt the last time they had a threesome.
And Karen needs to be able to talk to her husband about sensitive topics as well. It's a really bad sign that she's not even able to discuss his weight with him, especially when you consider how big of a factor that's become in their search for sexual partners.
I found something else about her question a bit troubling. Did you notice how she didn't mention anything about the third party? I think these two are so worried about themselves, and about what they want, that they haven't even thought about out how they're going to handle this new addition to their relationship. For example, is this something they just want to experience once? Or do they want it to be an ongoing thing with someone specific? If they do want it to be ongoing, they'll need to realize that the third partner is most likely going to want something out of the relationship too.
Discussion
Boy, this site is really into dumping on alternative lifestyles. Everyone, bloggers, writers, et. al., seems focused on the wrongness of anything veering from straight, monogamous relationships. Whew.
I am not so kind. I have had threesomes and can tell that looks count. Attraction is important. I thik one item was missed. Many people choose an unattractive mate because they think that no one will want them so that gives them a feeling of security.
It goes like this: My husband is unattractive. Women are repulsed. I do not need to worry because no one will want him sexually. That frees me up to enjoy my lover. It is not in her interest to get him to lose the weight. He is her safety blanket and he in some way realizes it.
There are many variables that go into choosing a lover. In this case she likes the excitement and does not want him (sexually).but emotionally.
Years ago I was living with a man - it was like we were married. We had an excellent sex life.
One night we were at friends that had a jacuzzi and every one was getting naked and kind of fondling every one else. Okay it's not quite the same as a threesome but still. Anyway I was standing there in my clothes and my man was already in the ppol naked and said to me, "hey honey take off your clothes and get in".
So that's exactly what I did, he was already talking and sliding up to somebodys girlfriend when a long time friend sat next to me and put his arm around me. Welll next thing I saw stars. He had become overwhelmed with a fit of jealousy that he lashed out to the friend and his head banged next to mine!
In my experience threesomes only work if you're not tied up emotionally in any relationship. There's always somebody who lands up not dealing with the situation.
In my opinion Karen and her husband are setting them selves up for more anguish. Karen wants her best friend. Best friend only wants Karen. Husband wants stripper. Karen and best friend want each other.
My take on this is what Karen is trying to say is this. My husband is obese and I don't know how to tell him the hard facts. We have had a three some with my best friend, before she got married, Now she wants to reignite a relationship she and I had before I got married, and she has chosen to keep this part of her life secret from her husband. My husband is not okay with this, but because he is so big I really am not enjoying sex anymore and have needs. He is jealous of the emotional bond my girlfriend and I have. Husband wants to be a part of it, but she doesn't want him involved. He is more comfortable doing it with a stranger than with someone that I have a history with that wants to go solo.
Karen here are the basic rules:
1. If you and hubby aren't okay, then you don't go outside the marriage.
2. Open and honest=tell him the cold hard facts and accept it when he does the same.
3. Never get with any other ~single~ person for more than one night unless:
A. they are encouraging or a benefit to you as a couple
B. you pay for it and you would do it again (strippers don't "do it" for free usually.)
4. Never take strangers home-EVER! Get a room. (This is a burglary waiting to happen because of stupidity)
5. Never allow your "friends" deceit to be brought into your marriage, and never be pressured to break agreements between you and your husband because of some friend. Just say NO!
....and grow up! Don't ask other open couples to give you permission to do the wrong thing, especially when you know there is no validity to the question! Get a vibrator if you can't tell your husband of his weight problem and your lack of enjoyable sex. At least that way you can keep a secret some what safely without anyone getting hurt. (please excuse my rudeness but sheeesh!)
Note: "Great sex life, by the way." is bull hockey! She saved herself in case DH sees her post. They may do it often but she is not enjoying it like she used to. Before I get bashed, my husband just lost 187 pounds down to 179, and still isn't where he originally was, but even at his heaviest women and other couples still approached him. I don't think people can really understand the difference in capabilities, stamina, and pleasure obtained from when someone was thin to obese unless they have lived it.
Many men adore long hair. I do there is something so sexy about a hot woman with long hair!!
I advise keeping your hair long. It is part of not letting yourselves go just because you are pair bonding. In the victorian age "dressing for dinner" was the custom. Today it is sweats. Most women would prefer their other dressed better when home with them and kept the weight down too.
