Wife Wants A Threesome
Dan and Carrie give non-monogamy advice: How do you have threesomes if your spouse is unattractive?
I was bisexual when I met my husband. He loved the idea at first, but then it got personal—he was only ok with it as long as he was involved. The girl I was with at the time is my best friend to this day. She’s married, by the way, and her husband doesn’t know about her past with me. She wants to get back together, but she doesn’t want my husband involved. I don’t want to do it behind his back, because I wouldn’t want him doing it behind my back. We had a threesome about seven years ago with the same girl – my best friend. My husband was jealous that I liked being with her more than with him. I loved both!
Recently, we’ve been getting back into the discussion of not necessarily opening the relationship, but having another threesome. Because he and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved—every time.
I'm ok if it just happens unplanned, and spontaneously. But my husband is set on "planning and finding someone," which is really hard to do. Most of the people who are into it only want me involved. He's a pretty big guy, so most girls find him unattractive. I love him for who he is, and his size doesn't bother me. My problem is this: How do I relay that information to him without crushing his feelings? Should I not say anything at all?
He's always wanting to go to strip clubs in order to "find" someone, but I don't like the thought of having a stripper come home with us. Not clean, not smart, and I'm not comfortable with it, either. Any suggestions? I want it as bad as he does. I just don't want to pursue it the way he does.
Dan: You see what I mean? That's a tough one, isn't it? Although I will say this: Something I noticed right off the bat was that this woman wasn't being honest with herself. Not at all. Nor was she being honest when she wrote me this email. Let me give you an example.
At the very beginning of the letter, she explains that when her relationship with her now-husband first started, the guy was fine with the fact that she occasionally slept with other women. But at some point, he obviously came to the realization that Karen enjoyed her girlfriend's naked body more than she enjoyed his. Naturally, it was after that point that he changed his tune about Karen's dangerous liaisons: It was no longer alright, unless he was right there in the room with the two of them.
But in the next paragraph of Karen's email, she says this: "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved—every time."
Well... not exactly. It's clear as day that Karen's husband isn't comfortable with the idea of his wife screwing around without him. But when she says, "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved," that's just complete bullshit. It sounds to me as if she's practically dying to f**k this friend by herself, and to be completely honest, I don't blame her. After all, if the friend isn't into fat guys, but the husband shows up and starts putting his dick into everything that moves, that's going be one seriously awkward scene!
Carrie: First, I'd tell her it's pretty obvious that both she and her husband need to take a step back, and really talk about a few things. I don't think this woman is being honest with herself at all, in my opinion.
Discussion
Boy, this site is really into dumping on alternative lifestyles. Everyone, bloggers, writers, et. al., seems focused on the wrongness of anything veering from straight, monogamous relationships. Whew.
I am not so kind. I have had threesomes and can tell that looks count. Attraction is important. I thik one item was missed. Many people choose an unattractive mate because they think that no one will want them so that gives them a feeling of security.
It goes like this: My husband is unattractive. Women are repulsed. I do not need to worry because no one will want him sexually. That frees me up to enjoy my lover. It is not in her interest to get him to lose the weight. He is her safety blanket and he in some way realizes it.
There are many variables that go into choosing a lover. In this case she likes the excitement and does not want him (sexually).but emotionally.
Years ago I was living with a man - it was like we were married. We had an excellent sex life.
One night we were at friends that had a jacuzzi and every one was getting naked and kind of fondling every one else. Okay it's not quite the same as a threesome but still. Anyway I was standing there in my clothes and my man was already in the ppol naked and said to me, "hey honey take off your clothes and get in".
So that's exactly what I did, he was already talking and sliding up to somebodys girlfriend when a long time friend sat next to me and put his arm around me. Welll next thing I saw stars. He had become overwhelmed with a fit of jealousy that he lashed out to the friend and his head banged next to mine!
In my experience threesomes only work if you're not tied up emotionally in any relationship. There's always somebody who lands up not dealing with the situation.
In my opinion Karen and her husband are setting them selves up for more anguish. Karen wants her best friend. Best friend only wants Karen. Husband wants stripper. Karen and best friend want each other.
My take on this is what Karen is trying to say is this. My husband is obese and I don't know how to tell him the hard facts. We have had a three some with my best friend, before she got married, Now she wants to reignite a relationship she and I had before I got married, and she has chosen to keep this part of her life secret from her husband. My husband is not okay with this, but because he is so big I really am not enjoying sex anymore and have needs. He is jealous of the emotional bond my girlfriend and I have. Husband wants to be a part of it, but she doesn't want him involved. He is more comfortable doing it with a stranger than with someone that I have a history with that wants to go solo.
Karen here are the basic rules:
1. If you and hubby aren't okay, then you don't go outside the marriage.
2. Open and honest=tell him the cold hard facts and accept it when he does the same.
3. Never get with any other ~single~ person for more than one night unless:
A. they are encouraging or a benefit to you as a couple
B. you pay for it and you would do it again (strippers don't "do it" for free usually.)
4. Never take strangers home-EVER! Get a room. (This is a burglary waiting to happen because of stupidity)
5. Never allow your "friends" deceit to be brought into your marriage, and never be pressured to break agreements between you and your husband because of some friend. Just say NO!
....and grow up! Don't ask other open couples to give you permission to do the wrong thing, especially when you know there is no validity to the question! Get a vibrator if you can't tell your husband of his weight problem and your lack of enjoyable sex. At least that way you can keep a secret some what safely without anyone getting hurt. (please excuse my rudeness but sheeesh!)
Note: "Great sex life, by the way." is bull hockey! She saved herself in case DH sees her post. They may do it often but she is not enjoying it like she used to. Before I get bashed, my husband just lost 187 pounds down to 179, and still isn't where he originally was, but even at his heaviest women and other couples still approached him. I don't think people can really understand the difference in capabilities, stamina, and pleasure obtained from when someone was thin to obese unless they have lived it.
Many men adore long hair. I do there is something so sexy about a hot woman with long hair!!
I advise keeping your hair long. It is part of not letting yourselves go just because you are pair bonding. In the victorian age "dressing for dinner" was the custom. Today it is sweats. Most women would prefer their other dressed better when home with them and kept the weight down too.
