Wife Wants A Threesome
Dan and Carrie give non-monogamy advice: How do you have threesomes if your spouse is unattractive?
In my previous "Marriage Without Monogamy" post, which you might want to take a look at now before reading further, I decided it might be interesting to temporarily steer away from the confessional-style essay this column has become known for. I just wasn't in the appropriate mood, I guess, to work through yet another one of my unconventional relationship issues on paper. And yet judging from some of the very blunt comments this column has inspired in months past, I figured that at least some of my regular readers might be willing to share a few unconventional issues of their own. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was right. The day after my call for questions was posted online, I received an email from a woman I'll call "Karen".
Karen's question was deceivingly complex. That is, it seemed simple enough on the surface. As Karen explained, she's happily married to a man, although she happens to be bisexual. She went on to explain that her best friend, a woman, is interested in sleeping with her. Karen's husband, however, doesn't like that idea one bit—but Karen claims that's only because he knows he won't be invited to play along. You see, according to Karen, her husband is significantly overweight, and so the best friend isn't attracted to him. He's so overweight, in fact, that hardly any women are attracted to him. And that puts Karen in a bit of a bind, because unless her hubby gets his hands on a piece of the proverbial action, she isn't allowed to have sex with other women. And that includes the best friend.
Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right?
But as I read through Karen's email a second time, and then a third, I noticed a certain passive aggressive sentiment that was hidden between the lines. For instance, Karen seemed to be singing her rotund husband's praises in one sentence, but then cutting him down in an understated, subtle sort of way in the next. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was dealing with a Classic Female Communication issue. In other words, Karen was clearly saying one thing, but insinuating something entirely different.
I read the message another time or two before finally admitting that I was no match against the cunning shrewdness of the complicated female mind. So I sent Karen's email to my fiancé, Carrie Ann, and I asked for her help. I told her to look it over, and to give me her thoughts. I wasn't the least bit surprised after reading Carrie's full report—she had clearly seen Karen's gobbledegook girl talk for what it really was: a steaming pile of straight-up bullshit.
In the end, we decided to join together the best quotes from our conversation. Go ahead and look through Karen's email yourself, or simply scroll down to find out what Carrie and I had to say. (By the way, "Karen's" letter was edited for clarity.)
From: Karen
To: Dan Eldridge
RE: Ask a Non-Monogamist
Date: 7/08/08 12:57 PM
I have a few questions about pursuing this "adventure." My husband and I have been together ten years, married for 3.5. Great sex life, by the way. Here’s my story:
Discussion
Boy, this site is really into dumping on alternative lifestyles. Everyone, bloggers, writers, et. al., seems focused on the wrongness of anything veering from straight, monogamous relationships. Whew.
I am not so kind. I have had threesomes and can tell that looks count. Attraction is important. I thik one item was missed. Many people choose an unattractive mate because they think that no one will want them so that gives them a feeling of security.
It goes like this: My husband is unattractive. Women are repulsed. I do not need to worry because no one will want him sexually. That frees me up to enjoy my lover. It is not in her interest to get him to lose the weight. He is her safety blanket and he in some way realizes it.
There are many variables that go into choosing a lover. In this case she likes the excitement and does not want him (sexually).but emotionally.
Years ago I was living with a man - it was like we were married. We had an excellent sex life.
One night we were at friends that had a jacuzzi and every one was getting naked and kind of fondling every one else. Okay it's not quite the same as a threesome but still. Anyway I was standing there in my clothes and my man was already in the ppol naked and said to me, "hey honey take off your clothes and get in".
So that's exactly what I did, he was already talking and sliding up to somebodys girlfriend when a long time friend sat next to me and put his arm around me. Welll next thing I saw stars. He had become overwhelmed with a fit of jealousy that he lashed out to the friend and his head banged next to mine!
In my experience threesomes only work if you're not tied up emotionally in any relationship. There's always somebody who lands up not dealing with the situation.
In my opinion Karen and her husband are setting them selves up for more anguish. Karen wants her best friend. Best friend only wants Karen. Husband wants stripper. Karen and best friend want each other.
My take on this is what Karen is trying to say is this. My husband is obese and I don't know how to tell him the hard facts. We have had a three some with my best friend, before she got married, Now she wants to reignite a relationship she and I had before I got married, and she has chosen to keep this part of her life secret from her husband. My husband is not okay with this, but because he is so big I really am not enjoying sex anymore and have needs. He is jealous of the emotional bond my girlfriend and I have. Husband wants to be a part of it, but she doesn't want him involved. He is more comfortable doing it with a stranger than with someone that I have a history with that wants to go solo.
Karen here are the basic rules:
1. If you and hubby aren't okay, then you don't go outside the marriage.
2. Open and honest=tell him the cold hard facts and accept it when he does the same.
3. Never get with any other ~single~ person for more than one night unless:
A. they are encouraging or a benefit to you as a couple
B. you pay for it and you would do it again (strippers don't "do it" for free usually.)
4. Never take strangers home-EVER! Get a room. (This is a burglary waiting to happen because of stupidity)
5. Never allow your "friends" deceit to be brought into your marriage, and never be pressured to break agreements between you and your husband because of some friend. Just say NO!
....and grow up! Don't ask other open couples to give you permission to do the wrong thing, especially when you know there is no validity to the question! Get a vibrator if you can't tell your husband of his weight problem and your lack of enjoyable sex. At least that way you can keep a secret some what safely without anyone getting hurt. (please excuse my rudeness but sheeesh!)
Note: "Great sex life, by the way." is bull hockey! She saved herself in case DH sees her post. They may do it often but she is not enjoying it like she used to. Before I get bashed, my husband just lost 187 pounds down to 179, and still isn't where he originally was, but even at his heaviest women and other couples still approached him. I don't think people can really understand the difference in capabilities, stamina, and pleasure obtained from when someone was thin to obese unless they have lived it.
Many men adore long hair. I do there is something so sexy about a hot woman with long hair!!
I advise keeping your hair long. It is part of not letting yourselves go just because you are pair bonding. In the victorian age "dressing for dinner" was the custom. Today it is sweats. Most women would prefer their other dressed better when home with them and kept the weight down too.
