Wife Wants A Threesome

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wife wants a threesome
Dan and Carrie give non-monogamy advice: How do you have threesomes if your spouse is unattractive?

In my previous "Marriage Without Monogamy" post, which you might want to take a look at now before reading further, I decided it might be interesting to temporarily steer away from the confessional-style essay this column has become known for. I just wasn't in the appropriate mood, I guess, to work through yet another one of my unconventional relationship issues on paper. And yet judging from some of the very blunt comments this column has inspired in months past, I figured that at least some of my regular readers might be willing to share a few unconventional issues of their own. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was right. The day after my call for questions was posted online, I received an email from a woman I'll call "Karen".

Karen's question was deceivingly complex. That is, it seemed simple enough on the surface. As Karen explained, she's happily married to a man, although she happens to be bisexual. She went on to explain that her best friend, a woman, is interested in sleeping with her. Karen's husband, however, doesn't like that idea one bit—but Karen claims that's only because he knows he won't be invited to play along. You see, according to Karen, her husband is significantly overweight, and so the best friend isn't attracted to him. He's so overweight, in fact, that hardly any women are attracted to him. And that puts Karen in a bit of a bind, because unless her hubby gets his hands on a piece of the proverbial action, she isn't allowed to have sex with other women. And that includes the best friend.

Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right?

But as I read through Karen's email a second time, and then a third, I noticed a certain passive aggressive sentiment that was hidden between the lines. For instance, Karen seemed to be singing her rotund husband's praises in one sentence, but then cutting him down in an understated, subtle sort of way in the next. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was dealing with a Classic Female Communication issue. In other words, Karen was clearly saying one thing, but insinuating something entirely different.

I read the message another time or two before finally admitting that I was no match against the cunning shrewdness of the complicated female mind. So I sent Karen's email to my fiancé, Carrie Ann, and I asked for her help. I told her to look it over, and to give me her thoughts. I wasn't the least bit surprised after reading Carrie's full report—she had clearly seen Karen's gobbledegook girl talk for what it really was: a steaming pile of straight-up bullshit.

In the end, we decided to join together the best quotes from our conversation. Go ahead and look through Karen's email yourself, or simply scroll down to find out what Carrie and I had to say. (By the way, "Karen's" letter was edited for clarity.)

From: Karen
To: Dan Eldridge
RE: Ask a Non-Monogamist
Date: 7/08/08 12:57 PM

I have a few questions about pursuing this "adventure." My husband and I have been together ten years, married for 3.5. Great sex life, by the way. Here’s my story:

I was bisexual when I met my husband. He loved the idea at first, but then it got personal—he was only ok with it as long as he was involved. The girl I was with at the time is my best friend to this day. She’s married, by the way, and her husband doesn’t know about her past with me. She wants to get back together, but she doesn’t want my husband involved. I don’t want to do it behind his back, because I wouldn’t want him doing it behind my back. We had a threesome about seven years ago with the same girl – my best friend. My husband was jealous that I liked being with her more than with him. I loved both!

Recently, we’ve been getting back into the discussion of not necessarily opening the relationship, but having another threesome. Because he and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved—every time.

I'm ok if it just happens unplanned, and spontaneously. But my husband is set on "planning and finding someone," which is really hard to do. Most of the people who are into it only want me involved. He's a pretty big guy, so most girls find him unattractive. I love him for who he is, and his size doesn't bother me. My problem is this: How do I relay that information to him without crushing his feelings? Should I not say anything at all?

He's always wanting to go to strip clubs in order to "find" someone, but I don't like the thought of having a stripper come home with us. Not clean, not smart, and I'm not comfortable with it, either. Any suggestions? I want it as bad as he does. I just don't want to pursue it the way he does.

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