EJL: There are stories in my book about people whose parents stayed together unhappily and how hard that can be on someone because most books about growing up with divorced parents don't look at that other possibility. I don't think it's as simple as advising people not to get divorced because you'll ruin your children's lives forever. You could grow up with people who slept in separate bedrooms and maintained separate lives, and subconsciously you might then find that kind of relationship more familiar and more comfortable.

GL: If I'm someone going through the dating process and my parents were divorced or had an unhappy marriage, what are signs that my current approach to dating might be damaged?

EJL: What I notice is divorce affecting people in so many different ways, that every single marriage is different. Every single divorce is different, and will impact someone in a different way.

Now, for example, if a mother is devastated by the divorce and maybe didn't have high self-esteem before the divorce and proceeds to make really bad choices in her romantic partners while raising kids, you might then find that that impacts the self-esteem of her daughters. It's never a guarantee because there are so many different factors that play into it, in terms of how involved are the grandparents, and what other resources are in place for the child. It's never that you can predict for sure. These are the things to look for in people whose parents divorced.

GL: What do you say to the idea that we all have to stop blaming our parents at some point?

EJL: Great question and part of why I wrote the book. I think it's easy to look at some of the messages out there & get really frustrated and feel like you're damaged goods. This can be self-fulfilling, in some ways and why I made a step-by-step guide to overcoming effects of divorce and to find a "dividend." The idea is that you can take control of this, find a silver lining and you can, like so many other people whose parents divorced, have really happy relationships and a happy life. Not that having divorced parents is easy and not that there are dynamics of it that are going to disappear. You're still going to have to navigate two sets of parents, etc.

GL: What advice would you give to a patient who feels his/her parents' divorce is affecting the happiness of his/her own relationship?

EJL: First, I'd have you take the survey thatâ's in the book. All of my participants took it. For example, it asks "How did your parents' divorce affect you as a child?" "What did you learn about marriage from your grandparents" and if either of your parents have re-married, if they're happy, etc.. Then have you talk to your parents, if they're capable of that. Ask them a set of questions separately about their marriage and divorce. And, if your grandparents are still living, I'd encourage you to ask them similar questions about their relationships. If you can't speak with any of those people, I would encourage you to find a family friend/relative to ask them to. It's about getting a more adult perspective on your parents breakup.

GL: Do we tend to hold onto the view we formed when we it happened?